Monday, December 22, 2008

15 Footer 12.22.08: I'm Back, Bitches

Did you miss me, NBA Blogosphere? Tell me you did.



The Battle You Came To See, Jamal Crawford Versus Jameer Nelson. Wait, What?!:

Golden State at Orlando

When I think "Gonna Drop A Half Century Bonus Deuce," I think "Jamal Crawford," don't you? It's like everyone keeps waiting for him to stop being a great scorer. Well, he was pretty good in New York and now he's in the basketball equivalent of Murderworld. Of course his numbers are off the charts. Nelson, on the other hand, is completely boggling me. I mean, the man inspired the word "hate" from me in the playoffs last year and he plays for the freaking Magic. That team is the Smurfs to me. Even when they annoy me, I appreciate their clandestine nature and well-mannered hijinx. But Nelson's wretched point play in the playoffs last year forced a river of expletives from me. Now all of a sudden he's burning the nets down. This is why I love Stan Van Gundy. Because he does what most coaches try to do, which is mold his players into what he wants them to be. But eventually, he sees the limit and adjusts. With Nelson, he tried and tried to make him a facilitator, a manager, a general. And now, it's as if he's said, "Fine. Just shoot the damn thing and get in the open floor." Then he probably has a hotdog. Warriors should get beaten down pretty heavily tonight, because Biedrins can snake around for lay-ins all he wants, Big Beastly Jesus runs the show in the Kingdom, and right now, the Magic know they've got house money to roll on.

With Their Powers Combined, They Are Captain Meltdown!:

Houston at New Jersey

The wonder-twin cousins meet tonight, T-Mac and Vince Carter. What does it say about the superstars involved in this game that Devin Harris is the Michael-Douglas-In-Falling-Down addition to this? He's the one that you just don't know what he's going to do. Even if Crazy Pills plays, Harris is the one that could end up going off for 40+ and leveling everything in his path. Meanwhile, Lopez vs. Yao is just a hilarious image. They should lock those two together in a room for six hours with nothing but a slinky and a nerf gun.They could resolve the human rights crisis by themselves. Here's to hoping T-Mac and Carter exchange clanging game winner misses for four overtimes.

There's Never Really A Good Time For A Head Injury/A Tribal Attack/A Typhoon/To Play The Lakers:

LA Lakers at Memphis

But playing them off their first losing streak when the phrases "Kobe Bryant" and "Something Wrong" keep floating around together without "With How Much Better He Is Than Everyone." This is just one of those games where you can see the possum scampering out into the road, and it stops, and it sees the semi-truck. And it doesn't know if it should go straight forward or go back, and so it freezes. And you're willing it to get a move-on, but it just doesn't. It sits there, dribbling on the perimeter and passing to Darko against Gasol down low and having Mayo guard Kobe. Tonight, sadly, is roadkill, and not the way I wanted to pick up on my Grizzly Pandiculation now that I've returned. Ah, well. All's well that ends well. And, whatever this is.

I Already Miss The Hang Time Jokes.

Sacramento at San Antonio:

I never got to say goodbye. It's so hard when someone's just gone like that. You always think there's more time, you know? Next time you see them, you'll put your arm around them and say "Hey, Reg, you were awesome in Hang Time, you know that?" And then he's gone. And you never get to say all the things you want to say. Oh, well. We'll always have the memories. This was all an effort to avoid the fact that I know the Spurs are going to kill them. You know the Spurs are going to kill them. And the Kings know the Spurs are going to kill them. So um, yeah. The Spurs are going to kill them. HANG TIME!

Chloroform The One That You Love:

Portland at Denver

Well, here are, the battle for second place in the Northwest division. Obviously the Jazz are killing it and will clearly win the division. Wait, what? They're third? Shocking! (Yes this entire preview is nothing more than an effort to begin what will be a long and drawn out series of mockery if the Jazz are in fact, as inferior as I've said they were). This is a pretty fascinating matchup, actually. Explosive scorers, big men, teams that were on tears and are now slightly slumping, and lots and lots of star power. It's also a startling contrast of styles. Portland's controlled death march versus the Nuggets frenetic dance of fury, measured by Billups and the new "Let's play defense" Nuggs. Should be mighty entertaining.

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Watch This Game:

Raps at Clippers

Essentially, this game is the living breathing manifestation of when you set a bar reasonably high, and then crash through the bar and the bar falls into your eye on the way back down. The good news is you didn't completely miss the bar. The bad news is you're f*cking blind. Davis versus Calderon, Thornton versus Bargs, and Kaman versus O'Neal. Somehow, we had such higher hopes. Alas, such are dreams, wiped away by, well, the fact that many NBA players are simply not that good or lazy. Enjoy then nightcap.

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