Wednesday, November 19, 2008

15 Footer 11.19.08: My Last Night of NBA Coverage For A Month

So Paroxi-Wife and I are relocating back to the Midwestern plains from whence we came. Which means that I have to have the cable turned off. This wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that I won't have my new place till the 12th of December. Which essentially means I wont' be able to regularly watch the NBA for about, oh, three weeks.

YE GODS.

Posting will continue here, but it's up to Rob, Graydon, and ...sigh... Corn to carry the banner. There's a slight possibility I won't have any 15s till the 15th of December. Hope you can carry on. Good slate tonight. Enjoy them.

REASONS TO WATCH THE GAMES OF THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION TONIGHT:

The Gods Must Be Crazy (And Like Really, Really Sh*tty Basketball):




Los Angeles Clippers at Oklahoma City Thunder


If you're really tuning into this and you're not a fan of either team, and I mean a diehard, tattooed, season ticket holder, own the slippers, would seriously consider losing an organ for a Conference Finals appearance fan, I pity you. I pity you far more than the panhandlers I see on the street that ask for money so they can buy DVD porn they can't watch, but like to look at the pictures because it seems more lifelike. I pity you more than a certain party that finds itself withoug leadership, a majority, or direction for the first time in three decades. I pity you as I pity a one-eyed-one-leg-incontinet kitten. And I ask you to consider what you're doing before you watch.

Okay. Al Thornton versus Kevin Durant could have some lightning in there (see the Thunder refernce? Ah? Ah?) Russell Westbrook versus Boom could also tickle your fancy. How about Chris Kaman verus Nick Collison in "Battle of the That Guys?"

I like the Clippers by default here. If they lose to Earl Watson and Johan Petro, it's time to move the team. Overseas. To a cave. Don't worry. Kaman will be happy there.

The Only Thing Separating These Teams Is Time. (And Coaching.) (And Talent.) (And Chemistry) (...You Get The Idea):



Philadelphia at Minnesota.

Fast, athletic guards. Veteran scorer. Young forward. Talented big man. These two teams are not so terribly different. I'm still not sold on Philly being back to 100%, but at least Iggy is getting it done in the major stats categories. I will say that Andre Miller looks tentative and lost sometimes. Meanwhile, Brand is a workman, and can do what he wants given the opportunity. The Wolves are disfunction junction, what's your function? The only question is if they'll somehow figure some things out. They have the potential to be decent, and this is as vulnerable a team at .500 or better as they're going to see, but they've got to capitalize, especially at home. Jefferson needs one of his Harbinger nights, and Miller's got to be efficient if they want to hang with the Thaddeus Young Tour (CANNONBALL!).

Home Is Where The Invincible Star, Power Flower, And Hammer Helmet Are:




Milwaukee at Utah.

If this was on the road, I'd take Milwaukee. No kidding. The Bucks aren't bad. They're not especially bad, and Bogut leaves a lot to be desired for a franchise player, but they're still a pretty good team, and Al Jefferson and Ramon Sessions have been brilliant in stretches. But the Jazz are unbeatable at home. Un.Beatable. Until May rolls around, getting wins here is like getting your grandfather to give you $20. He's got the money, and it would make sense that he'd give it to you. But he'd rather show you the value of hard work by having you rake leaves until sundown, then sneak off to Bingo without paying you. Welcome to the Utah Jazz.

Oh, and Carlos Boozer will get blocked tonight.

Didn't You Hear the Good News?(Via The Corndogg):






Washington @ Atlanta
I know, I couldn't believe it either. Tom Daschle is the new Secretary of Health and Human Services. And you thought the only thing South Dakota had going for it was its D-League team. But really, I bring this up because the best parts of this game are still the walking wounded. Josh "I Think I Just Made That 'Leap' Thing" Smith is still sitting while the Hawks keep falling. Zero might not have come out of his hyperbaric chamber long enough to even realize his team is putrid without him there. And, to be fair, no one knows exactly how good it would be WITH him here. I mean, they did alright last season, remember? Well, all that's to be said is we need to get some health around this league, so that the NBA will better serve us humans. The agonizingly insane Nick Young will be on display for all to see. And not to be outdone - Al Horford owns your face.


This is a Game That the Corndogg Wants to Watch.(Via The Corndogg)




Toronto @ Miami
Two teams on the periphary of yours truly are the, uh, teams I am currently writing about. Bosh was my #1 pick in fantasy, so I'mma be stalking him like suicidal singers do Paula Abdul the rest of the season. And today, on Gchat, Moore and I gave the Raps the "THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY ARE" award (first this season). Calderon could very well end up leading the league in assists - if his wings were more efficient and he didnt spend so much effort on D sucking. Perpetual underachievers, how sweet thy sound. Miami, equally frustrating, might be gasp better if my mortal enemy were still in charge. Yes, I said it, I think Riley needs to usurp this team. Nothing against Spoelstra but this odd cast of characters is not something a young coach needs to handle. It takes an experienced puppet master to start no one taller than 6'9", still have the corpse of Marcus Banks on your roster, employ Shaun Livingston and perhaps even get Wade above 30 a game. At the very least, he is someone I can slam if all these odd parts dont fit together for back to back games. Its like Pure Goodness vs. Pure Evil (I'm Goodness) and I need that foil to complete me. Or, I can just watch the game and be happy. Either or.


Give Me Mikki Moore, Gimme More!(Via The Corndogg)

Sacramento @ New Orleans
There may come a time tonight when Mikki Moore and Melvin Ely guard each other. Not just that, but they may also make physical contact in the post. Sort of like 2 grown goliaths, fluid, heaving, dancing with each other in an athletic ballet of wonderment and explosiveness. They shall glide together, an inseperable duo, effortlessly elevating this animalistic game into an intergalactic, poetic aria - this game of basketball. Then, one of them will get the ball passed to them and his head will explode, brains all over the court. I don't know which I would prefer.


Just Call Me Karl Malone, Cause I'm Mailing It In. (Via The Corndogg)








Cleveland @ Pistons
So many great things to be said about this game. In fact, I am so sure they have already been written, so I won't even bother. Cleveland - #1 in offensive efficiency, Lebron and his disregard for human life (see "Tom Dashcle"), the manna which is Delonte West. Pistons - Kwame (KAPPOW! he is playing decent), Stuckey's head wrapped up like a mummy and a potential Walter Hermann sighting. That's all you need.

The Big Chill Versus The Poet:

Chicago At Portland.



Derrick Rose has been Pablo freaking Neruda for the first month of the season. He's sweet, he's pretty, he flows, he cajoles, he shakes, careens, and lays softly down the fears of Bulls fans. Unfortunately, the only thing more inconsistent than the grading techniques of your English professor Freshman Year is the rest of his team. "Ben Gordon is awesome!" "Ben Gordon is a chucker!" "Tyrus Thomas is amazing!" "Tyrus Thomas doesn't know his head from his ass." And so forth. Tonight they're getting a Blazers team that looked terrible to start the season and still hasn't fixed its defense, but is absolutely lethal with confidence right now. And oh, yeah, the Big Chill got his groove on last night and showed that he could still become the guy we all want him to be.

If Portland traps Rose effectively, this game is over before the half. The Bulls are tired after last night's game with LA, are terrible on the road, and don't match up well. But Portland's big problem this year has been keeping the pedal on. It needs to come out and put the foot down with The Big Nifty, LaMarcus Aldridge and set a tone. You're not in our league, Bulls. Back to the salt mines. That's how LA did it, that's how Portland should do it. Roy versus Rose will be awesome, though.

SPURS/NUGG (Trey Has To Die Remix):


San Antonio – Denver

Tune in to see a high flying battle between Tony Parker and Manu Ginobil against Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony. There's going to be tons of points in this game and it'll be ridiculously entertaining.


REMIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tune in to see a team that hates defense play against a team that features a fourth option as Their number two option. Watch as Tim Duncan and Nene ram in to each other 13 times a possession. Enjoy as Carmelo Anthony asks Roger Mason, Jr. why he stole his high school haircut. Marvel in the battle for who has the best fey name: Jacque Vaughn or Chauncey Billups.


She Blinded Me With Snake Eggs. (Trey)


Dallas – Houston

Certainly this is the biggest game in Texas tonight, and that's saying something. If you haven't heard Texas is a pretty enormous state. Like one of the biggest ever. So if this is the biggest game in a big state, by using the transitive property, you can assume that this is a big game. That's math.


You don't want to argue with math. I tried arguing with math once and ended up getting a detention. Sure, math in this case was a substitute geometry teacher who busted me for throwing things out the window, but you get the point. You try arguing with math, you have to stay 45 minutes after school. That's science.

And believe me, science is not messing around. Science will make you remove skin from animals. Science has created bombs. Science made it possible to have shirts that change color, just from touching them. Science is CRAZY. Do not mess with science, unless you want all of your skin cut off, exploded, and then changing colors. Science will do that to you.

If that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

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