Wednesday, October 15, 2008

That's Our Shaq!

What a rascal! When his team's already getting a decent amount of training camp buzz, The Big I'm-So-Desperate-for-Attention decided to call out the two best players on his team and one of the greatest coaches in the league (/of all time? Wait, don't let Matt and Corn hear me throw praise in the direction of San Antonio. You guys are cool, right? Stop snitchin'!).

First order of business: Hack-a-Shaq. Obviously, it's not going anywhere at this point, and I'm not sure how you would create a rule to stop it that wouldn't have other ridiculous implications. But would you really go as far as to call Pop a coward? Really, Shaq? Have you seen the guy lately? I might be able to get behind a challenge to pre-beard Pop's honor, but I want no part of that. The more facial hair a guy has, the more you don't want to mess with him. And that's not correlation; it's causality, son. Don't ask me how. Brian Skinner explained it to me once, and I get chills just thinking about it. (Oh yeah, and there's that whole "the Spurs punked your team in four games, not just one" thing.)

On top of that, this isn't your team anymore, Shaq. You're such a liability because of your free throw shooting and the rest of your game doesn't eclipse that anymore. Your girlish figure might eclipse it, sure. But as far as basketball skills that will keep you on the floor in spite of those flaws, it's a no-go. What I'm hinting at here: you're not really in a position to nitpick with Nash and Amare's defense. Sure, both could stand to improve on that end. But would you really want Amare rushing to close out Tim Duncan at the free throw line when Ginobili is streaking to the basket on the left side? Duncan's shot still defies all logic, laws of gravity, and everything I know to be true in the realm of space and time. So the last thing I want to hear is Shaq telling Amare to go chasing after anomalies on defense.

So Shaq, I'm giving you an ultimatum: grow some facial hair (and I mean some SERIOUS fuzz. Grow hard or grow...home?) or pipe down. Or at least stop calling people out when you're riding on their backs, eh?

P.S.: Shaq, Moore sends his love. Oh, and he told me to tell you to "STFU and get back to ruining the greatest conceptual team of all time, you lardass." What can I say; the man's a wordsmith.

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