Monday, October 27, 2008

Hardwood Paroxysm's 2008-2009 Season Preview: Philadelphia 76ers

You realize that we could be looking at Philly as the next Boston? And AJ Daulerio is your new Bill Simmons. Ye Gods.

Your opening preview is by Trey Kerby.


Matt said my previews had been unexpectedly "dour." In order to not fall in to a rut, this preview will be only a list of positive things about this year's Philadephia 76ers team. The list:

Elton Brand is good.

Elton Brand has fresh legs from sitting out a year.

Brand and Andre Miller have great chemistry from that time they won 27 games with the Clippers.

Andre Iguodala is good enough that his pouting won't totally submarine the team.

Thaddeus Young belongs at the three.

High likelihood of more alley-oops than the Hornets.

They don't wear those blue jerseys as often.

No more Louis Amundson prettying things up.

For that matter, no more Louis Amundson making things confusing when someone says "Lou."

For that matter, no more Louis Amundson.

Kareem Rush in the house!

Will Smith's return to rap will result in increase in choreographed dances at my wedding.

Seeing Elton Brand in Chicago will in no way remind everyone that Elton Brand happened to play

in Chicago and happens to be a post scorer who defends inside. No way that'll happen.

They have a player named Willie Green who plays significant minutes.

Willie Green.

Willie Green.

It just feels good to say.

This picture of Louis Williams.

Louis Williams' mustache.

Maurice Cheeks' mustache.

Just mustaches in general. Big up to mustaches.

Samuel Dalembert and Elton Brand is a really, really good defensive front court.

If the team struggles, well, at least the Phillies made the World Series. (If they win the World Series, this is a free year for the Sixers.)

Theo Ratliff, Donyell Marshall, and Royal Ivey have jobs.

Noted Philly native ZillaRocca's new mixtape is really good.

The Sixers made a serious move in a conference that saw its best teams fail to significantly improve their teams, meaning that an already good team became contenders.

Things are good!



Allen Iverson. Even though he is long gone from Philly, it was Allen who made me love the 76ers. Last year it was his return (and kiss for the hardwood), that made me cry tears of pride, for both Ivy and Philly.

The team that they've got in Philly this year is an exciting one. Young, athletic, hungry. Andre Igoudala is a star in his own right and he's another highlight reel waiting to be watched. Remember the dunk contest a few years ago, when he HIT HIS EYE ON THE BACK CORNER OF THE BACKBOARD? The guy is ridiculous. Thadd Young. Young is his name, his game and his advantage because he can and will jump all over you as he jumps out of the gym. This is a young man who has lots of potential and the demeanor and attention span that allows you to believe he will reach it. 'Dre Miller. When it comes to underrated guys in the league, Miller has got to be near the top of the list. He's consistently strong, a good locker room guy, a great point guard and a very important piece of the Philly puzzle.

Sammy D. With all of the drama that went on with Dalembert and Team Canada this summer, I am happy he is in Philly where he gets a coaching staff he gets along with and a group of guys he can go to war with. Big fan of Dalembert, even bigger fan of Kareem Rush. Yup, Rush. Loved him in college and loved when he was in LA. Own him a thank you for the playoffs against Minnesota. I like these Philly guys.

Now we get to talk about Elton Brand. The guy who left Baron in LA alone, Brand is going to be beautiful for Sixers fans. Perhaps the piece they've been missing, he is going to bring a lot of watchful eyes to the team in Philly and that's all that they need. Once people start tuning in and seeing this team, they will stay. Couple a good group of guys with Mo Cheeks and you get a great group of people. Remember when Cheeks saved the little girl in Portland by singing the anthem with her?. Yeah. Reason to love the Sixers right there.


Let's span the continental map!

Boston: They're a threat to your supremacy what with their rock and/or roll and young pup attitude.

Toronto: Stole your thunder for biggest free agent acquisition with serious injury questions.

New York: Nothing, actually. You need to spend all your time being glad Isiah is no longer in charge (get well, buddy!).

New Jersey: Thaddeus Young and Elton Brand are going to make your Yi-get look silly for select nights.

Detroit: Hey! You're the ones that are supposed to lose in the Eastern Conference Finals!

Indiana: One of them will injure T.J. Ford. Note: Can insert this reason for any team in the league.

Chicago: Friggin' Elton Brand...

Cleveland: They're giving LeBron hope that it is possible to provide a superstar with a good supporting cast.

Milwaukee: You should hate every team that has a legitimate four.

Orlando: They're tugging at your shorts from beneath you on the ladder.

Atlanta: They're what actually producing with a plethora of young wings looks like.

Miami: Someone you can't trade Shawn Marion to, therefore they are useless.

Washington: What the hell do they mean, "came back from injury?"

Charlotte: They're going to make you hate Okafor when you play them.

New Orleans: Meaner than you without the flooding.

Houston: You hate everyone.

San Antonio: They get to play in the East.

Dallas: You can't hate yourself anymore, might as well spread it around.

Memphis: They won't trade you for Antoine Walker.

Denver: The reason you don't have Marcus Camby by extension.

Minnesota: It's not fair for young two guards to work out.

Utah: Yet another team with a more appropriate name than you.

Portland: They don't have Greg Oden!

OKC: They don't know who Garth Brooks is.

LA Lakers: These people are annoying enough to cheer for their team year round and for all four quarters! What kind of loser has time for that? Also, they take attention away that could be spent on Kobe and Bynum, the selfish jerks.

Sacramento: I literally have no joke here. Sacramento and Philadelphia can be fwiends!

Phoenix: It's not always sunny in Philadelphia, God damn it, it's always sunny in Phoenix!

Golden State: If Brand had just demanded more money from the Clippers and taken it, you might still have Baron.

Los Angeles Clippers: (Expletive) that guy.
A Musical Interlude:

The idea of Thaddeus Young at his rightful and natural position of three is just scintillating to me. I just keep seeing a cannonball tear through wall after wall of plywood. I'm going to DVR Sixers-Warriors if for no other reason than to watch Thaddeus Young punch a complete hole through Anthony Randolph (and I like the kid).

Go ahead and mark down Stefanski for executive of the year. Book it.



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