Wednesday, October 29, 2008

15 FOOTER 10.29.08

So boys and girls, your old buddy The Corndogg gets to step in for Matt Moore today on the 15 footer. Yeah, that's right, after watching the Celtics defense last night, his head exploded. Our apologies to Paroxi-wife, that must have been a b*tch to clean. But no, seriously, he's out for the day so Rob "Man-child" Mahoney and I are giving you the run down of tonight's games. His responses will be the clever, lengthy insightful ones. Mine will be more of the usual drivel. Enjoy.

They Are Starting It This Early So Old Guys Like Brand and O'Neal Can Get To Bed
Toronto @ Philly, 6:00EST

It would be a bit to presumptuous to say that this is the litmus test for the new Sixers, to see if they are actually contenders in the East this year. But hey, I like to presume things. Hopefully Brand can put on a better show than the Big Chill did last night. More so, I predict we will see either the absolute worst or absolute best Iggy can play tonight. I did my job driving his bandwagon last year, but he's gotta prove it to all over again after that fat (not to mention BAD) contract. Conversely, I became a Bosh convert (does that even make sense) watching him throughout the Olympics and if his teammates will actually improve this year, we could see some serious strength from the Raps. Of course everyone wants to see if Tyranasaurus O'Neal was worth the risk, but I'll be eyeing Calderon. Not only was he a very high choice in fantasy, but a lot of people think he is due. We shall see.

Josh Smith is Proficient in the TIGER-CRANE Style, But Dwight Howard is More Than Proficient in EAGLE'S CLAW
Atlanta @ Orlando, 7:00EST (Rob)

The Southeast is the new Southwest. Forget the Spurs, they're practically geriatric. It's all about them ATLANTA HAWKS! CA-CAW! The red birds are ready to take flight sans fro, and the Magic are ready to begin their reign of terror. Whenever Dwight Howard and Josh Smith play each other, the game always ends up looking a little bit like this to me:

But take away the swords. And give them both a basketball. Then instruct them to subsequently either hit the other guy's basketball away to the ground or to hit them in the face with their own ball.

This of course completely ignores the fact that they will probably never guard each other. Now, if Mike Woodson would return my calls and emails about abandoning the ancient conceptions of "positions" (bah!) and just put whatever 5 people on the floor that you feel like playing and tell them to do whatever they want, then you'd have your sweet bamboo forest fight scene. So EVERYONE, please email Coach Woodson and tell him to buck up:

This is the Dawning of the Age of Vince-anity
New Jersey @ Washington, 7:00EST

Ah, back to reality. Oops there goes gravity. Back to Vince-anity. Watch this big calamity. I know how much you guys have missed Vince Carter mailing in games. Why not start the season off with a bang, Vincent! You are teammate with Yi and a Lopez. Devin Harris is the only person on that roster that wants to win. You have a fat contract and a crib in Manhattan. What's the use in trying.

Also, The Tough Juice Armageddon starts today. This is his year.

He Held Them in His Arms With Compassion, And When He Resuscitated Them All they Could Think About Was the Soft Caress of His Carefully Groomed Mustache
Miami @ New York, 7:30EST (Rob)

Game. Of. The. Night. If you're not watching this one you need to turn in your fanhood at the door. What? Yes, I know that the Suns and Spurs play in thirty minutes. You think I care? This is the clash of the titans as far as I'm concerned; the most bizarre, flawed version of SSoL colliding with the uber talent of the Three Musketeers meets Pringles meets hair gel meets Super Mario (The Movie…or maybe the Super Show) meets the Ninja Turtles. Tell me you're not amped. I DARE YOU.

We've been waiting for Wade's real return for awhile now, and the Olympics don't really count. He was just toying with people. I want to see 2.0 for his ruthless, cutthroat self, kicking people in the shins, snapping necks, and dunking while the defender's life flashes before their eyes. And it would make my day better if somehow that defender was Chris Duhon, the guy who's ripping a big one right in the Knicks' collective faces. He will have one turnover this season for every dollar you pay him. Book it.

Lights, Camera, Jamal
Indiana @ Detroit, 8:00EST

Because we all know that somewhere, deep within the bowels of the Palace, that Jamal still hasn't been bought out. He is still there, rubbing chicken bones together, sticking pins in his T.J. Ford voodoo doll and dumping olive oil out around midcourt. He will not be denied!

And speaking of lame jokes and getting stuck, can't we just agree to start calling that the time of the game when Rodney Stuckey is in. Or, if he dunks on someone on a break. YOU GOT STUCK! (ed. note - I could be WAYYYYY behind on this joke. Stupid job and paying the bills. Argh.)

BRRRRR, It's Cold in Here, There Must Be Some Western Conference Cellar Dwellers in the Atmosphere
Sacramento @ Minny, 8:00EST (Rob)

There's actually a surprising number of subplots for this one. Kevin Martin actually grew up in southern Minnesota, where he and a young Stephen Curry would pretend to be brothers to get into Minne-Golf-o-Rama for the family rate. He actually played against Jason Collins regularly on the local golf courses…and I think you can guess who won (hint: it's the one who doesn't suck at life). Francisco Garcia has never been to Minnesota before…ever. BUT, oddly enough, Sebastian Telfair is actually his brother-in-law. Kevin Love and Spencer Hawes went to a summer camp together that neither one of them will ever speak of, Mikki Moore frequents Randy Foye's father's sandwich shop, Reggie Theus is Rashad McCants' biological father, and John Salmons once swam upstream to Minny by pure coincidence.

It's Like Fighting a Hurricane. Even If I Win, I Lose.
Phoenix @ The Valley of Hell (San Antonio)

So, I layed it out for Matt last night. I will be there, in front of the TV at 8 tonight. Wearing my old school Barkley jersey, gripping on to the pillows and praying to whatever you got that the Suns will play well. But, in reality, I only expect the worst. (Gee, I'm a great fan). I could end up like this or, if the Suns somehow manage to rip this one from the cold, dead ankle of Manu, everyone will start saying how good Shaq looked, how disciplined the Suns' D was, how Terry Porter is really getting into their head and how Steve Kerr may have just built a championship contender. VOMIT!!!!! I almost don't know which one is worse. Just shoot me already - well, unless you are Boris Diaw and will invariably miss.

It May Be Lonely at the Top, But There's Plenty of Company Down at the Bottom
Milwaukee @ OKC, 8:00EST (Rob)

Oh, and that title isn't talking about Richard Jefferson. Well, it might be, but I haven't confirmed it. Well, I may or may not have confirmed it with his agent ifyaknowwhatImeanhinthintnudgenudge.

Moore insists that the Bucks are super-exciting and super-interesting and not as bad as people think, but let's be frank. They suck. Which is why this game is perfect! What's that Bucks? Feeling a little insecure about yourselves? Well I've got the perfect thing!

I'd like you to meet my good friends the Thunder. Don't worry, they don't play rough. At all. Yeah, I know that big white guy looks frightening, but he's only frightening in that he might not sell you an energy drink at seven eleven because he's shooting up black tar heroin in the back or frightening because he might hack your computer from some remote location and steal all your money. But not physically intimidating, right? See? You guys can get along just fine! You can both do cute little tricks that make you show flashes of competitiveness before being swallowed by the oblivion of suckitude. Harsh, I know, but reality is a cruel mistress, my friends. And we all know that misery loves company. And life is very short, and there's no tiiiiiiime for fussing and fighting my friends! So let's get our completely non-confrontational game on!

Oh hey, O.J. Mayo. I'm a Big Fan of Yours. Yeah, it's Me, Ron Artest. BANG - You're Dead
Memphis @ Houston, 8:30EST

Hallelujah, He's Baaaaaaaack!

I am not even going to try. Only Matt could have done this one justice. Suffice to say, HP is equally as excited about this new look Grizz group as we are about Crazy Pills and Rockets. Well, actually, its the opposite. We are changing the name of the blog to Crazy Pills, Matt is actually not here today because he is interviewing for a job with Tru Warier and each of our first born sons are getting giant snake eggs tatoos -- from birth. Dreamshake would be so proud.

Where We're Going, We Don't Need Our Starting Point Guard Who Also Holds Our Team Together and Prevents Us From Complete Collapse
Denver @ Utah, 9:00EST (Rob)

Carlos Boozer is a monster. When he's playing against Kenyon Martin. I truly, truly mean that. What a beast! Unfortunately the Jazz Hands will be without our bud Mister Deron Williams, which is actually a terribly sad thing. I love watching Deron play. I love the pull-up three, I love his one-handed fluid layup motion, I love the way he does his hair, I love the way he smells, I…oh, hey guys…wait, this isn't my diary?

But the Jazzerbockers should still be able to get off on the right foot by going against the Nuggets, who may or may not be discombobulated after losing the Cambyman. Regardless, I fully expect J.R. Smith to score at least 70 points and Nene and/or K-Mart to be injured within the first 15 minutes. Also, there is the distinct possibility that Iverson could be traded by halftime. Just a heads up. But really, I think the Nuggets are pretty undervalued right now. If they were a stock, I'd say this is a good buy low opportunity. Okay, bad example (screw you, economy!). But if Portland's not careful, I could see the Nuggs taking the world by storm and sneaking into the playoffs. Just don't ever hold me accountable for that statement unless I'm actually right. Thanks.

It's Like That Wrestling Match Where the Big Brother Always Wins…Until the Little Brother Starts Biting, Twisting Nipples, and Kneeing the Older Brother in the Groin
Lakers @ Clippers (yeah, really), 10:30EST (Rob)

First, this is actually a Laker home game. Second, what better way to start the season than with back-to-back Lakers games on national TV. I love this game!

OK, I'll stop being a Bitter Betsy. But I'm definitely excited to see how the Clippers operate. Baron Davis is always a treat (delightful!), Kaman is hysterical in more ways than I can describe, every time Camby puts on his Clippers uni a Nuggets fan sheds a single tear, Thornton is a manchildman (notably older than your standard manchild, a fact that all his critics will never fail to mention), and Eric Gordon will be there for the completely unintentional comedy factor. The Clippers will either be surprisingly decent or completely awful, and I can't wait to see which team shows up.

Meanwhile, the Lakers are coming off a complete dismantling of a team in progress in the Blazers who are trying to integrate multiple new pieces into an already complex lineup. So who do they play next? A…team that that lost its superstar only to replace him with a superstar with a completely different style of play at a completely different position not to mention a big man who can't match the previous offensive production of the departing superstar. All that means is that this team, too, is a work in progress. Behold the power of scheduling.

P.S.: I have a strange feeling that the souls of Thornton and Ariza are somehow inextricably linked. I don't know how and I don't know why, but for some reason I feel that they are kindred spirits. Only complete opposites, and not alike at all. Y'know?

I Have To Get Back To Work, Before My Head Explodes (with Chris Paul and Demarcus Nelson Rainbows)
New Orleans @ Golden State, 10:30EST

No, sseriously, that title is for realz. So, I am cutting this one short, like CP3 short. But its still good, oh so good. If you don't know why this game is gonna be awesome, then you deserve to die. Or, at least have your cable taken away and get a blood curdling stomach virus for a couple weeks.

Sorry for all the typos, inane associations and spacing problems. What do you think I am, a blogger? But thank heavens the season is back. It's go time!

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