Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Unmistakably Curious Case of Michael Beasley

OK, teen sleuths, let's break it down:

  • ESPN reports that Mario Chalmers, Darrell Arthur, and Michael Beasley get busted with weed at the rookie training program.
  • The Kansas City Star reports that Beasley's name was removed from the ESPN article. (In a fit of irony, the Star article has since been removed.)
  • OK, so Chalmers and Arthur were busted with weed and girls at the rookie program.
  • Alright fine, so the cops didn't actually find any weed...but the room smelled strongly of the stuff.
  • Chalmers and Arthur both insist that they didn't smoke anything, and that the weed belonged to the ladies in their room.
  • Actually, there was a third mystery person supposedly in the room. Err, in the bathroom, actually. Police were met with a locked door and the sound of lottts of flushing.
  • Michael Beasley is fined for his involvement in "an incident at the Rookie Transition Program" and for "fail[ing] to cooperate with the league investigation" involving Chalmers and Arthur. Beasley will have to pay double what Chalmers and Arthur are paying.

Confused yet? Beasley is fined $50k because Chalmers and Arthur didn't smoke weed? Rest assured, I've solved the caper of the Missing Beasley:

Mr. Michael Beasley, Darrell Chester Arthur, and Mario Chalmers, Esquire, were enjoying a delightful evening of backgammon, reruns of classic Polo contests, and some light reading (Dickens, strictly). Unfortunately, shortly after Mr. Arthur telephoned the other two members of the Advent of Modernity Reading and Culture Club (Ms. Abigail and Ms. Leonore, naturally), Mr. Beasley encountered a sudden case of stomach discomfort. As he relieved himself in the restroom as swiftly and quietly as possible, Mr. Chalmers and Mr. Arthur thought it would improve the aromatic state of the room to burn some incense. But as the scholarly ladies arrived, so too did the company security. The police followed soon thereafter. Embarassed with his discomfort, odor, and affliction, Mr. Beasley flushed and flushed and flushed with the vigor of all the royal stables, but to no avail. He quickly telephoned his employed agent to inform him of the situation, and to keep his name out of the newspapers and periodicals.

See what kinds of dirty rumors a little confusion can spawn?

(On a kind of, not really related note: What do Chalmers, Arthur, and Crazy Pills have in common? The three are reportedly the only rookies to ever be kicked out of the transition program. Artest was kicked out in 1999, although I can't seem to unearth the circumstances. One can only assume that snake eggs, brawling, or rap singles were involved.)

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