Thursday, August 21, 2008

Trey Has to Die: The Bill Walton Axiom

Trey Kerby is the author of The Blowtorch. He enjoys long walks on the beach, calculus, and the smell of a fresh headband. His "Trey Has To Die" column appears randomly here on HP, as if of its own accord. Ladies and Gentlemen, Trey Has To Die.

PROVE: Bill Walton's career was cut short by his devotion to the Grateful Dead.

- Height: 6'11"
- Weight: 210 lbs.
- Shoe size: 17
- Missed 352 games in 10 seasons due to foot and ankle injuries.
- attended more than 650 Grateful Dead concerts

Statement Reason
1. Bill Walton played basketball at 6'11" and 210 lbs. Given
2. Bill Walton has size 17 feet. Given
3. Bill Walton attended more than 650 Grateful Dead concerts. Given
4. Grateful Dead concerts lasted 2 or more hours. Wikipedia
5. 650 concerts x 2 hours = 1,300 hours on feet. Multiplication property
6. Stress fractures of the foot are caused by enough stress to exhaust the capacity of the bone to remodel itself. Wikipedia
7. Previous stress fractures of the foot have been identified as a risk factor. Wikipedia
8. Bill Walton missed 352 games in ten seasons due to foot and ankle injuries. Given
9. Bill Walton's 1,300 hours spend at Grateful Dead concerts caused him to miss 352 games due to foot and ankle injuries. Associative property

That, my friends, is definitive proof1 (in the form of a mathematical proof) that the Grateful Dead ruins people's lives. I'm not one to judge a person's musical tastes2, but that's simple math. You can't argue with math unless you're a jerk. Then argue away, I guess.

Nonetheless, this math should serve as a warning to all you proto-hippie big men out there considering taking in the next Widespread Panic show (I'm looking at you Lopez brothers). Don't get caught up in the jam band phenomenon, you just might end up with fused ankles and the dislike of everyone who hears you talk.

  1. Please note that I vouch for the validity of none of the above properties and relations. I tested out of calculus after high school and haven't touched math since. I don't plan to either.
  2. Actually, I'm totally that guy. Jam bands suck a lot.

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