Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Team USA Is DOOMED!



Doomed I say!

Panic!

Chaos!

Hub-ub!

Dirka Dirka!

Run!

Do not understand?! We only beat Angola by 21! Dear God, this is a nightmare. Quick! Is that your wife? Hide her! The Greeks are coming! They'll destroy us all! Oh, God! Why couldn't we have gotten better shooters/more bigmen/more dedication to defense/uglier players/players that constantly play the trap?! Don't you know you need those things to win the international game? Oh, Jesus, we can't hope to win simply by outscoring our opponents by 20- to 30 points!

We have to figure a way to get out of this game. We can't possibly play Greece or Spain the way we are now. We might only beat them by 15! Sweet Mother of Lollipop Christ! Can you imagine what will happen to the world markets? If that happens, the statue of MJ will literally burst into flames! There will be panic in the streets! People will be walking around with stubble! Stubble I say!

I can't believe it! I mean, did you see how bad our three point shooting was? It was terrible! What? Oh, yeah, it was in between the steals and the dunks and easy baskets and the dunks and the dunks and the dunks. You don't win international games with dunking! Listen to me. You cannot win the international game just by putting the ball in the hole more times than your opponent. That's not how it works over here. You may be used to that barbaric "being better than your opponent at basketball" approach back from Milwaukee or wherever you're from, but that's not how it flies here. What? Michael Redd is from Milwaukee? Who's Michael Redd? Why isn't he playing more than this Kobe fellow? What's wrong? That's it. It's the coaching!

Yes! We need a new coach immediately! We don't need any of this "driving to the basket" business! We need to run at the basket, and then sacrifice the open layup for passing it to another player, who can then throw it again to another shooter! No, we don't need rebounding! What, you think rebounding and size advantages are going to help us? Don't you understand? They're INTERNATIONAL players! It's like Magic! With indignity!

We have to get our attitude's right. We come in, all arrogant. It's embarrassing. We don't have the proper respect for this game. We need to be more like Spain. They understand what their opponents are like.

Okay, I gotta go. I have to go board up my wife and daughter in our basement and wait for the Greek and Argentinian hordes to come. Yeah, you go ahead. Just keep relying on the fact that we've beaten the ever loving hell out of any team we've played this year and that we're clearly better than the other teams. See where that gets you. I'll be down here with tinfoil on my head.

*Slam.

 
Add to Technorati Favorites