Friday, August 1, 2008

Reel Rotations: Kill Bill

Reel Rotations examines what your lineup would look like if it were comprised of characters from popular culture. Today's topic is the Quinton Tarantino two-volume classic, Kill Bill. Also, Corn hates both of these movies with every ounce of his being.

PG: "Bill" - The ultimate floor general. Supportive enough to help you up when you fall, but ruthless enough that if you don't hit that screen right. Bill is the star on any team. While his age might be a factor to some, he's the very definition of wily veteran. He's a good locker room guy, too, able to help people find the tutelage they need. Will never demand a trade, he'll just kill you and take over the team. And he'll burn down your office. And your home. And your vet's home. You're not going to find a guy with more will to win. After all, he's "a killer. A murdering bastard, you know that. And there are consequences to breaking the heart of a murdering bastard." Yeah, try getting that line out of Jason Kidd. He does have a tendency to... overreact.

SG: Beatrix Kiddo, AKA "The Bride" - Grace. Showmanship. Devastation. Resourcefulness. A dedication to craft. Marketable. Kiddo is the ultimate small guard. She's taller than she seems, and while she's confident in her shot, she also trusts her teammates, though that may have suffered a bit after the Massacre at Two Pines. However, once motivated, there isn't a tougher competitor, not even Bill. Her versatility really speaks volumes, as she's able to adjust to any kind of combat. The only real concern with her is injury, what with the pregnancy, then the coma, then the atrophy, then the fragments of buckshot in her chest and all. But she manages to play through it for the most part, and anyone that tries to elbow her will definitely regret it later.

SF: Pai Mei - If you want length and athleticism, Pai Mei is your guy. Unquestioned agile supremacy. Plus, you're not going to find a wiser veteran, seeing as how he's been around 500 years. Great for training camp, since he's got a tougher training regimen than anything you can throw at him. What, you think sprints are going to bother the guy that punches through wood? Capable of taking apart an entire team by himself, but lacks patience. Doesn't exactly play well with others. Coachability is definitely a question mark, since if you tell him he's doing something wrong, or really, if you look at him in a way he doesn't like, he's going to pluck out your eye or give you the Five Point Palm Exploding-Heart Technique. Latrell Sprewell has nothing on this guy.

PF: Budd - Now here's a guy who's willing to do a little dirty work. Like most power forwards, Budd doesn't look like much. He's got some size, and a mean streak, but isn't terribly athletic. He's also likely to get into trouble, hanging out in strip clubs. He's also going to blow whatever money you give him, and will end up living in a trailer. He's tough as nails, though, and definitely wily, what with the buckshot and all. Unfortunately, he's got an allergic reaction to snake and tends to get a little greedy. He's not great for long periods of time, and runs with a questionable crowd, including a midget. Also, if he ever tells you he's going to introduce you to Paula Schultz, trade him. Trade him now.

C: The Crazy 88s: Hey, good big men are hard to find. And if you can't get a competent star, it's better to get a small army of capable defenders. And while these guys can be brushed aside pretty easily, they're at least going to distract long enough. Okay, so there aren't actually 88 of them. But it sounds cooler. And there's enough to combat the depth at center for the Spurs or Rockets. Come to think of it, Shane Battier kind of reminds me of the Kato-looking dude. Hey, I know it's weak, but you're loaded at guard. This is the price you pay.


F: Elle Driver - The problem child on your roster. Temperamental. Doesn't play well with others. Tries to kill pretty much everyone. Extremely limited court vision. Has a nasty reputation as being dirty. Bowen's got nothing on this cat. Resourceful, but Jesus, what a pain in the ass. And that whistling on the plane is going to drive you nuts after a late night loss to the Raptors.

G: Hattori Hanzo:
Too old to really get many minutes, you're probably going to have to compete with the Spurs for his services. If you do get him on, though, no one knows more about his trade than him. Knows how to keep the younger guys in check, but there are going to be some flareups with your point guard. His penetration moves are said to be unbreakable. Also enjoyes the sake a bit too much. Great locker room guy, though.

G: O-Ren Ishii -
Mental toughness like you wouldn't believe. Rough background. High dedication. High ambition. Very much strives to be the best player she can be. Can be a little hot-headed. Also sometimes would rather have the 88s play defense for her. Tiny feet.

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