The following is a public service announcement from the Paroxi-wife...
For reasons that mystify many family and friends, we are actually looking at moving from Austin to a new city. Chicago has long been a front-runner, but whenever we hit a wall in our decision-making process, I take us back to the beginning and start going through the atlas state by state. Ever the sports blogger, one of Matthew's main concerns is moving from an area with three NBA teams within three hours. Being a hockey and football fan myself, I can't remember where all the NBA teams are in one go, so I consulted the ever-trusty wikipedia.org. After spending five minutes recording my knee-jerk responses, this is the email I sent to the Husband.
Places for Matt and Paroxi-Wife to Relocate, as analyzed by Paroxi-Wife:
- 1 Eastern Conference
- 1.1 Atlantic Division
- 1.1.1 Boston Celtics – Well, I am Catholic and Irish…
- 1.1.2 New Jersey Nets – I refuse to live in a state that allows Newark to exist.
- 1.1.3 New York Knicks- FAIL. But at least the Rangers are also in MSG ; maybe we could go to those games instead?
- 1.1.4 Philadelphia 76ers – Ah, Philly. City of brothers and cheese steak. Where’s the vegetarian sisters? I might get lonely.
- 1.1.5 Toronto Raptors – No says the government with the husband's NSA file and all, but oh, please?
- 1.2 Central Division
- 1.2.1 Chicago Bulls –True dat, but how to afford to have the babiez in something larger than a cardboard box?
- 1.2.2 Cleveland Cavaliers – There’s a state named Ohio?
- 1.2.3 Detroit Pistons – I might get SHOT.
- 1.2.4 Indiana Pacers – I’d be looking for Peyton all the time; he could definitely be a contender for my Celeb 5 if we lived locally.
- 1.2.5 Milwaukee Bucks - Milwaukee's okay, but Madison's rumored to be where it's at in Wisconsin. And I do like cheese.
- 1.3 Southeast Division
- 1.3.1 Atlanta Hawks – This NO is sponsored by Coke.
- 1.3.2 Charlotte Bobcats – I do love me a Carolina that doesn't fly a Confederate flag.
- 1.3.3 Miami Heat – Isn’t enough cocaine there.
- 1.3.4 Orlando Magic – We'd lose all our $$ to Disney and Sea-World. I can speak whale!
- 1.3.5 Washington Wizards – If I was going to be 24 forever and have no kids, hell yes.
- 2 Western Conference
- 2.1 Southwest Division
- 2.1.1 Dallas Mavericks – Austin but north. And still has the weather Matt craves, but it’s nearly out of Texas. Option?
- 2.1.2 Houston Rockets – I refuse to spend that long in traffic to go nowhere.
- 2.1.3 Memphis Grizzlies – No, but there is always Nashville. Except for the small thing of all that country music. And I love me some Lady Vols.
- 2.1.4 New Orleans Hornets – I might be an outsider forever, but I could mack on CP3 and legally get drunk while walking down the street.
- 2.1.5 San Antonio Spurs – Not a good mental health decision; I don't think our insurance covers Matt's head exploding.
- 2.2 Pacific Division
- 2.2.1 Golden State Warriors – Can we shack with Baron Davis?
- 2.2.2 Los Angeles Clippers – Not enough money for botox, and I would look terrible as a blond with my pale skin.
- 2.2.3 Los Angeles Lakers - Ditto, yo.
- 2.2.4 Phoenix Suns - 120 degrees + estranged family=not enough alcohol.
- 2.2.5 Sacramento Kings – I have a feeling there’s a reason that when people talk about Cali, they don’t mention Sacramento. I wonder if you could live here and be a Warlocks fan?
- 2.3 Northwest Division
- 2.3.1 Denver Nuggets – Option. But only in the suburbs. I'm not even big on the suburbs, but I'm over Colfax.
- 2.3.2 Minnesota Timberwolves – Um, brrr. Although if I burned 8 calories every time a nipple got hard, I could be back down to my college weight in about 17 days.
- 2.3.3 Portland Trail Blazers – Indie + Music=Austin+ Rain. But Matthew melts in rain.
- 2.3.4 Seattle SuperSonics – No more team, otherwise holla!
- 2.3.5 Utah Jazz – Snow in May and a whole lot of Mormons, but they do have an IKEA. Too bad Matt doesn't like skiing THAT much (yet!).
