Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Powerless Rankings: End Of The Season Edition

We're finally here. I'm gonna tear up a bit, I swear. Wait, no, that's just from the sour taste of the Sonics. We bid adieu to these teams this week, and hope that a draft pick or free agent signing can help them out of mediocrity. Only not really, because then we'd have nothing to laugh at them for. I've got the West this week, while Basketbawful takes the East.

1. Seattle Oklahoma City Sonics: Cherish this. It's the last time I get to write that the Seattle Supersonics blow.

Basketbawful says: The end of the Sonics. It's enough to make Shawn Kemp's children cry. All, what, 42 of them?

2. Memphis Grizzlies: Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to ask that you return your seatbacks and traytables to their full and upright positions, and prepare for crash landing. Flight 666, Memphis to Nowhere, is on terminal descent.

Basketbawful says: Wouldn't it be kind of funny if they resigned Kwame Brown?

3. Minnesota Timberwolves: Actually some positives to take from this season. Now, if they can just land a 7 foot power forward out of high school with phenomenal range and defensive prowess, with and indomitable will to wi...oooh.

Basketbawful says: Let's build it! A cage! And lock it up! Then throw away the key!

4. LA Clippers: Hey, Thornton, Brand back, Fazekas, all they need is for a few lottery balls to go their way and... oh, I forgot, nothing ever, ever, ever goes the Clippers' way.

Basketbawful says: It certainly was nice of Elton to come back for a farewell tour. That'll make things a lot easier on the fans when he opts out and signs with the Lakers for the mid-level exception.

5. Golden State Warriors: We loved them when they were a triumphant disaster in motion. We pity them now that they're a disaster in motion that still failed despite winning 48 games.

Basketbawful says: Now that they've been officially eliminated, this year's playoffs just got 17.39 percent less interesting. And so did

6. Portland Trailblazers: Thank Goodness, that silly 07-08 season's over. Now we can get ready for our championship run. You know it as the next decade.

Basketbawful says: I can't believe Darius Miles is still on their injury report. It just seems weird. It's like holding onto the phone number of the girl who dumped you for holding her family hostage, only with less hope of reconciliation. What? Stop looking at me like that.

7. Denver Nuggets: Why are they above the Kings on this list? Because the Kings don't pretend to be a playoff team when they're not. That's why.

Basketbawful says: Who's laughing at their defense NOW?! Pretty much everybody. Well, except the Warriors.

8. Sacramento Kings: Giant snake eggs, folks. Giant snake eggs.

Basketbawful says: his is from their team report: "Success stories don't usually apply to teams that aren't in the playoffs, but the Kings may indeed qualify. Despite missing out on the postseason for the second straight year, they wrapped up their regular season with a record of 38-44 that was at or above the predictions of most pundits back in October." And in other Kings-related news, toxic sludge is good for you!

9. Houston Rockets: Cut to: Ten years later when Steve Novak is still telling people about winning twenty two games in a row.

Basketbawful says: I was just consulting my Magic 8-Ball about the Rockets' chances in the playoffs, and it said: "My sources say T-Mac will never see the second round." I didn't even know that was one of the options!

10. Dallas Mavericks: Don't like the weather in the Mavericks locker room? Wait ten minutes.

Basketbawful says: First Dirk gets everybody's hopes up by beating Phoenix and Utah with the first clutch shots of his career, then the Mavericks lose back-to-back games to the undermanned Blazers and unhoused Sonics. Damn dirty teases.

11. San Antonio Spurs: It would be ridiculous to push the panic button. Totally ludicrous. No sense at all in that. But we're going to go ahead and take the cover off the button, anyway.

Basketbawful says: Unless they hired Indiana Jones to find the Fountain of Youth, I'm guessing the Spurs won't be making it two in a row this June.

12. Utah Jazz: Charles Barkley likes them. So they've got that going for them.

Basketbawful says: "Please give us Houston in the first round, please give us Houston in the first round..."

13. Phoenix Suns: Please do not be upset upon returning to the bandwagon to find that your seat has been taken. These things happen.

Basketbawful says: The Suns will enter the playoffs fearing no one. Well, except for Frank Shamrock.

14. New Orleans Hornets: 70% chance to have the entire country outside of LA rooting for them in about two months.

Basketbawful says: Losing the top seed to the Lakers and the MVP to Kobe sure was a kick in the balls. But oooooh, look! Southwest Division Champion t-shirts!

15. Los Angeles Lakers: EGOW. Everything Goes Our Way.

Basketbawful says: So does Satan get Kobe's soul after this season or when he retires?

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