Saturday, April 19, 2008

Hardwood Paroxysm's Plethora of Playoff Prognostication: Wizards versus Cavaliers

The most glorious time has come. Playoffs. Where cliches and overly intense promos run wild. Where players still miss their free throws. Where bombardment with terrible TV Coverage from ESPN/ABC happens. We present to you, our four part previews for each series, continuing with Wizards versus Cavs.
The Word:

It's often been said that "we have nothing to fear but fear itself." That's obviously a big load of crap. There's absolute and sheer terror to be found around every corner. Global warming. Radical fundamentalism. Intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, waiting to crush us under their technologically superior heel at any moment. But there is something else to fear, that is greater than any other. And it's his series' word.

Flagrant Fouls.

Yes, we can laugh off the boogey-man, Dracula, and Kim Jong Il (probably a Lakers fan). But flagrant fouls could be the end of civilization as we know it (Stu Jackson says so). This series will be chock full of them, from Andre Blatch and Brandon Haywood, to Varejao and Ben Wallace (Is he still alive?). If you really get down to it, there's no excuse for a flagrant foul (exception: you play for the Spurs). It's simply a dirty play, and in such a pure game, there's just no excuse for it. It sets a bad example, and can lead to dangerous situations (like key players getting suspended for doing absolutely nothing) and you won't be rewarded for it (except with a championship). The refs need to keep a tight lock on this game to make sure it doesn't get out of hand with so many explosive personalities on the court (Zydrunas Ilgauskus and Wally Szerbiak: Two wild and crazy guys).

If you want to really set an example, Mr. Referee, you need to shut down the fouls fast and hard (that's what she said). Throw out a player on either side, someone major (how about Gilbert Arenas? It'll be just like last year!). Make sure there's a precedent set. And don't worry about who it is. No one will suggest there's a pro-LeBron bias (once they play Boston). Remember, officials, the sanctity of our children is in your hands (oh yeah, and the over/under is 187, not that you're checking).
And now we turn to the part of our show where we discuss the finer issues of these series, in Point/Counterpoint. Today's topic: Will LeBron James specifically and purposefully posterize DeShawn Stevenson?

Corndogg: Point- Lebron James will score 80% of his points while being "guarded" by Deshawn Stevenson. In an Eastern Conference sorely lacking for storylines this postseason, The Commish will make sure that Eddie Jordan has the "Mouth of the Potomac" on Lebron as much as possible. Well, whether Stern forces his hand or not, the only way for the Wizz to possibly slow down Lebron is to use their best body (Deshawn) and constantly double team Lebron, forcing him to give the ball up to reliable teammates like Wally Szczerbiak, Boobie and Sasha Pavlovic. But, you know what, Lebron hates his teammates and knows how to hold a grudge. So, expect a lot of new posters to be showing up in Akron, Dayton and beyond in a couple weeks: most of them featuring Lebron hanging from a rim with his genitals somewhere in the facial region of Deshawn Stevenson. Good thing he likes to keep his mouth open! It's the Lebon Show time and he will impose his will on the Wizz. No way Nick Young, Butler (who has to save his energy for offense) or anyone else on for Washington stands a chance. It's "Locksmith" or die. I say death.

Matt Moore: Counterpoint-I don't see Eddie Jordan getting sucked into having DeShawn on the King. He's going to want to get his big three going, and hopefully get Mason involved. The post players are going to have a much bigger impact on defense than the perimeter guys, especially with the size but relative lack of speed for Cleveland. LeBron's gonna get his, that's for certain. But I don't think DeShawn's going to be the undoing of "the dumbest team in the history of civilization."
Graphic Representation:

Matt Moore: Wizards in 6.

Corndogg: Wizards in 7.

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