Friday, April 25, 2008

A Day In The Life Of The Human Guilt Trip

*McGrady walks into pet store.

McGrady: Yeah, can I get two goldfishes? I'm kind of lonely with Yao gone so much on rehab, and I need something that's like him. Quiet and strangely amused by me.

ShopOwner: Sure, let me get them from the back.

*ShopOwner heads to back.

*McGrady walks over to puppy pen.

McGrady: Well, hey there little fella. You're awfully cute.

*McGrady reaches out to pet the animal. A single diamond falls from his bracelet and into the pen. The dog eats it, chokes, and dies.

ShopOwner: What the hell are you doing?

McGrady: Oh, sure, it's my fault. Okay. Fine. Listen. That's my fault. Okay. That right there? Wearing too much bling? That's my fault okay. Everything's my fault. The dog dying is my fault. You being old and smelling like cabbage and frozen anchovies is my fault.

*Walks over to bunny pen, picks one up.

McGrady: You see? This bunny? It's ear? It's not floppy because of me. That's my fault too. His ears are perfectly straight because of me. Put that on me.

*Rabbit throws up.

McGrady: Oh, perfect, and that? Totally my fault.

ShopOwner: Listen, Mr. McGrady, I think you should just leave.

McGrady: Fine. That's right. Take their side. It's all my fault.

*McGrady walks to the door. As he approaches, two gentlemen run in with guns.

Gunman 1: Stick 'em up!

Gunman 2: Hand over the cash and no one gets hurt.

McGrady: This wasn't supposed to happen. This is why I didn't go to New Orleans.

ShopOwner: Okay, listen, take everything I have.

*Hands him the money. As he does so, the gun brushes his shoulder

ShopOwner: Hey, wait a second. Is that gun rubber?

*Gunmen look at each other, then start to run. ShopOwner gives chace. The Gunmen run right by McGrady.

ShopOwner: Stop them!

*McGrady tries to shut the door, but instead is too hard, the door careens back open, the thieves escape and the impact shatters a window and lets out ten exotic birds in the window.

McGrady: Oh, sure, that's my fault! I should have known you didn't buy double pane windows for your shop. That's all my fault. Totally up to me. Not those guys' parents. Not your contractor for the storefront, all me.

*ShopOwner starts to sweep up.

ShopOwner: Please, just leave.

*McGrady leaves. On his way out, he is knicked by a stray piece of glass. He jumps up in pain, grimaces, and accidentally shoves the ShopOwner onto a giant piece of glass.

ShopOwner: You bastard. Kirilenko... owned... your ass...

*ShopOwner dies.

McGrady: Oh, great, I suppose that's my fault, too! Jesus.

*McGrady goes to leave, again. On his way out, he accidentally shuts the door too hard and a stray piece of lighting lands in a pool of flammable pet station cleaner, igniting it, and then the entire shop. The building goes down in flame.

*McGrady turns, looks at the burning building and the ruined remains of the dead man's life.

McGrady: Figures. It's all my fault. Pin it on me. Ow, my foot hurts. I may be questionable for Game 4, Coach...

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