Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Ball Movements: Final Regular Season Edition- 4.16.08

Oh, Jesus, it's over. I can't believe it. I mean, I'm happy to not have to come up with these day after day after day, but still... I mean... I miss it. Already! Why, God? Why can't the league be year round? Why?! We bid adieu to our inaugural season here at the Ball Movements at Hardwood Paroxysm. Goodnight. And Good Luck. Except for Vince Carter. He's still a douchebag.


We Can Work This Freaking Western Conference Out, Finally, Part I: Of course, none of that matters if the Nuggets do what they are wont and prone to do, which is completely fall apart against inferior teams tonight against the Memphis Grizzlies. I'll tell you, I like the matchups for the Grizz tonight. Anthony Carter versus the Three Headed C-Machine (Conley, Crittenton, Carlos) and Lowry? Yeah, thanks. Hakeem Warrick versus KMart? Younger and faster, baby. And they have a comparable answer to Melo in Gay. The Nuggets need a win and a Mavs loss to move up and get swept by the Hornets instead of the Lakers. Oh, the suspense! Memphis at Denver, 9:00PM EST.

We Can Work This Freaking Western Conference Out, Finally, Part II: I like how the Mavericks are in the classic, pick your poison scenario. Win, and they get to face a team they've proven they can beat, because they'll have just done it. Lose, and they get the #1 seed in the West, the Lakers, who they just lost to. So it seems easy, right? Especially with the Hornets most likely in cruise mode after locking up the two seed last night. So what to do? Well, they clearly cannot choose the wine in front of them, in my opinion. I get it. The Lakers look big and bad. But two weeks ago, the Mavs were up double digits against the Lakers, in LA, in the fourth. They had a meltdown, but they've responded since then. LA is a better matchup for the Mavs. Gasol's one big asset is that he's taller than the other PFs that guard him, and faster than the 5's that guard him. Dirk is faster and stronger than Pau. The other matchups are favorable as well, and the Mavs have the perimeter defense to limit the three point shooting. They need to lose tonight. Of course, they're the Mavs, and can't do anything right this time of year, so they'll put on the afterburners and end up in a dogfight with New Orleans.

We Can Work This Freaking Western Conference Out, Finally, Part III (Via the Corndogg): Phoenix has a chance, if everything goes right, to end up with the 4 seed and homecourt advantage against those perennial first round choke artists, the Rockets. (Cue Dream Shake eyes lit up with fire) You might also find a myriad of ways in which you get the Spurs in the first round, which is now a preferable matchup. (Man, that sounds odd) Thus, be like a bunch of point shavers and keep your eyes on the scoreboard tonight. Win if you have to, lose if you have to, but remember that your own post season fate is in your hands. Kind of. Not really. But yeah, it is. Portland at Phoenix, 10PM EST.

We Can Work This Freaking Western Conference Out, Finally, Part IV (Via The Corndogg): You all know the scenarios. The Jazz have to win to keep homecourt (or hope that both Houston and Phoenix both lose along with them -- NOT HAPPENING. They "can't" win in San Antonio, so by stepping up tonight, they can exorcise that demon. These guys need homecourt, because they are unbeatable there. Of course, if you believe the "experts," the Spurs are still a real threat and no one wants them in the first round. They say that about every defending champion, even last year's Heat. So, don't believe that. I'm not saying they "can't" win a series or two, but I don't think they will. Would be wise for Booz & Co. to bring the pain tonight. Either way, CHAOS REIGNS. The NBA - Where The Western Conference Happens. Utah at San Antonio, 9:30PM EST.

*In Moses Voice* "Let My Tyrus Goooo" (Via the Corndogg): The light is bright at the end of the tunnel for the Bulls. Paxson will surely get whacked by some mafia goons over the summer. Boylan will be out. There is no more Ben Wallace and you have a whole summer to bolster your offensive game. Which is a good thing, since the Bulls are surely not going to bring you in any help this year and will be left to watch the Deng and Gordon chuck fest next year as they try to score contracts that are much less that what they could have gotten this time last year. So... you and your boy Joakim can finally step up and be leaders. You can start dominating the glass and might ("might") have finally shown the front office brass that you can be a legit power forward in the league. Now, about that pesky Chris Bosh...
(Ed. Note - I finally gave Matt some props for repping Thomas all year. Which is rare.) Toronto at Chicago, 8:30PM EST.

On The Bright Side, Both Cities' Names Begin With The Letter "M" (Via the Corndogg): Actually, for someone like me, who loves conspiracy theories and lottery speculation almost as much as the actual basketball being played during the season, this game kind of rules. Lottery positioning is at stake, which means its time for Kevin McHale to screw up all over again. O.J. Mayo at #3. Priceless. Bucks are looking at a likely 7-8 on the board. Which leaves them a myriad of ways to go. Gordon, Westbrook, Batum, Jordan? Who knows. Watch the game tonight to find out where these teams suck the most and then find the most ill fitting prospect for their team. You will be surprised that your psychic prowess is just like that of Ms. Cleo. Milwaukee at 8PM EST.

In Detroit, We Call This "The Shocker" (Via the Corndogg): Not that the Bad Boys are trying to revive this lifeless Cavs team. Not at all. In fact, since it does not look likely that they will meet in the playoffs (barring a suddenly functional supporting crew for Lebron and a total Celtics 2nd round meltdown), this will be the last chance for the Pistons to positively beat the living daylights out of that upstart team that stole their championship dreams away last year. It's probably gonna be like that cheerleader beatdown in Florida, except legal and viewed by far less people. Detroit at Cleveland, 7:00PM EST.

Wait, I Just Said Goodbye To Richard Jefferson Yesterday (Via the Corndogg): Alrighty then, really goodbye today Rich. No, really, buh-bye. Cause you play the Celtics bench tonight. And they will crush you. Isn't it time we gave Davis, Powe, Posey, House and Scalabrine a nickname? Suggestions? New Jersey at Boston, 7:30PM EST.

It's Like A Date Where Both Have Booty Calls Waiting At Home: Magic and the Wiz tonight, and no one wants injuries, no one wants to tip their hand, no one wants to be on the floor. So you know what that means? JJ Redick! Nick Young! Let's get crazy! Seriously, if you're a fan of bench players (and we know that you are), this is the game for you. Also be prepared for lots and lots of shots of stars on the bench laughing. Washington at Orlando, 7PM EST.

The Replacements Finale: No, there will be no miraculous championship, and Kasib Powell is not Keanu Reeves. But the Miami D-League Three have had a great run, and may have landed one or two of them a bench spot on a rebuilding Heat team next year. Those guys got a lot of slack simply for having come from the D-League, but I can still name three guys in the rotation of about 10 teams that have played worse than them this season. Anyway, the Hawks get a gimme tonight against the Ricky Davis trainwreck. I would love to see Haslem, Marion, and Wade suit up and just kill these guys, just to make a point. It won't happen, of course, but it would be cool to think about. And if the Hawks lose tonight, we're changing out prediction to Celtics. Atlanta at Miami, 7:30PM EST.

So Long, Zeke, And Thanks For All The $40 Million Dollar Contracts: Isiah, we just want you to know. We'll miss you. Oh, and this is probably the last time you'll see Jermaine O'Neal, Eddy Curry, and Zack Randolph in their respective uniforms. It's the end of an era, kiddos. If you want to actually watch this thing, Nate Robinson versus Travis Diener. Nuff said. New York at Indiana, 7:30PM EST.

The Funny Thing Is... THEIR Big Man Is STILL Hurt: Brand is back, but the Clippers aren't in the playoffs. The Rockets still don't have Yao, but they're in. Crazy world. I will say this. We're really, really shaky on the Rockets right now. We're going to wait until the matchups are announced to bury them, but they're up to the edge of the grave. And the Clippers have absolutely played better since Brand's return. What's really frightening is that Thornton and Brand have started to figure out how to use one another. The Clips won't win tonight, but they've got something to build around. The Rockets need to win to get themselves in kill mode, otherwise, well... you've seen it before. LA Clippers at Houston, 8:30PM EST.

The Battle of Who's Kidding Who: Charlotte at Philly. Otherwise known as the Team That Thinks It Can Make The Playoffs And Is Completely Wrong Versus The Team That Thinks It Can Win In The Playoffs And Is Completely Wrong. Step right up, folks. Philadelphia at Charlotte, 7PM EST.

What Could Have Been: Seattle could have been saved. The Warriors could have made the playoffs. Coulda/Woulda/Shoulda. If you're a fan of sad movies, tune into this one and pour one out for Sonics nation and the Unstoppable, Baby! Movement. Seattle at Golden State, 10:30PM EST.

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