Monday, March 31, 2008

Powerless Rankings 3.31.08

With the NBA regular season nearing it's end, we're down to our last couple of chances to provide you with another round or two of our nearly meaningless reverse power rankings. First one to suck worst wins! This week I'm taking the D-League Eastern Conference while Bawful's got the "race to 2nd place" Western Conference.

1. Miami Heat: When you feature eight D-Leaguers, and I can't stomach watching you? They should just pipe in sounds of vomiting over the PA.

Basketbawful Says: The injury-riddled Heat are currently comprised of eight D-Leaguers and a couple of guys (Ricky Davis and Mark Blount) who might not even be good enough for the D-League at this point in their careers. Oh, and Pat Riley is only coaching every other game since he contracted an incurable case of March Madness. On the bright side, I read today that David Schwimmer is going to make his directorial debut with a “comedic film.” And what movie directed by Ross from Friends wouldn’t be funny?

2. New York Knickerbockers: A friend of mine called me this weekend. He and his girlfriend were discussing baby names. She said she wanted something biblical. She asked what his father's name was. My friend told her. She put that name and the biblical name together and said it out loud, to hear how it sounded. My friend almost got punched in the face for laughing outright at the name. He immediately called me and asked me what would happen if he name his child Isiah Thomas Graham. I said the child would somehow manage to flunk preschool, and would pay $5 for a gumball, and think it was a good deal. When asked for the best way to define him, I said "Imagine someone that fails at everything except actually playing basketball." She was still attached to the name. Then I told her about the trial from this summer. And that was that.

Basketbawful Says: It’s really starting to look like Isiah’s reign of terror in New York is ending. The only question left is: Who did more damage to the city: Isiah, the Cloverfield monster, or baby carrots? Explain your answer.

3. Milwaukee Bucks: Quick, outside of Yi, name something memorable from this Bucks season! Can't do it, can you? Quietly forgettable. That should be Milwaukee's slogan.

Basketbawful Says: I would have ranked this team lower/higher if not for the awesome one-man high-five Andrew Bogut gave himself this week. That’s way better than a meaningless win or two that would have hurt the team’s potential lottery position.

4. Chicago Bulls: This team really isn't that bad. It's really not. It's just so far from good the distance causes vertigo. They're sickeningly mediocre. And on top of that, it feels like there's just this sense of malcontentedness in the air. It's like a '94 Silverchair concert after your girl dumped you for the guy that listens to Smash Mouth.

Basketbawful Says: Drew Gooden has one good game and then starts having delusions of grandeur that include throwing LeBron freaking James under the bus. Wow. Oh, and Chris Duhon even got into a game this week. The wheels are spinning, but this baby is going nowhere. Where you goin’? Nowhere!

5. Charlotte Bobcats: Three in a row! Woo-hoo! Three in a row! Woo-hoo! I would hop back on board the bandwagon for this team squeaking back into the playoffs, but every time I do, they bottom out like a wagon with the fat kid in it.

Basketbawful Says: I think this team might actually win 30 games this year, which is pretty amazing considering that Adam Morrison missed the entire season. I mean, they could have easily won, like, 31 or 32 games if only they’d had The ‘Stache. Oh well. If “What Ifs” where cheap whores, I’d be swimming in a pool of vag right now.

6. Indiana Pacers: Hey, 6-4 in their last 10, three games out of the playoff spot... nah. But I'm starting to think this team doesn't necessarily have to blow the whole thing up. Anybody remember that guy that used to play for the Pacers? Jermaine....something...? Oh, there he is!

Basketbawful Says: Now that Donnie Walsh is heading to New York, er, I mean, now that Walsh has resigned and his “future plans are unclear,” the Pacers are officially Larry’s team. Which, of course, means they’re officially screwed. But Mike Dunleavy Jr. is totally having a breakout year, so they have that going for them.

7. New Jersey Nets: Here's a pretty simple breakdown of the Nets-Mavs trade. The Mavs went from a complex team that can't lose to a simple team that can't win, and the Nets went from a conspicuously mediocre team to an inconspicuously mediocre team. It was like camouflage for guard play!

Basketbawful Says: What kind of crazy voodoo magic did Lawrence Frank use to bring Vince Carter’s game back to life? I need to know, and fast. My turtle hasn’t moved in a couple days and I’m starting to worry.

8. Philadelphia 76ers: Thank Jesus Christ On A Pogo Stick, the Sixers are coming back to Earth. They were seriously f'ing up my worldview there for a while, but maybe, just maybe, this is the same young, inconsistent team I've come to know and dismiss.

Basketbawful Says: You know, I’m starting to think the Sixers are for real. Like, really real. Like “Orlando might not even make it to the conference semis if they have to face these guys in the first round” real.

9. Atlanta Hawks: Starts off fasts, fades quickly, sneaks into the playoffs as an 8th seed, gets pounded in the first round and tossed to the wayside. Sound familiar? That was the now Southeastern Division Champions last year. I'm just saying.

Basketbawful Says: Why are the Hawks fighting so hard to get into the playoffs? That’s like dressing in chinos and a pink button-down shirt and walking around on the scary side of town where everybody gets their asses kicked.

10. Toronto Raptors: The Raptors got Bosh back, and were looking nice, and then the Hornets came to town and stripped them for parts, then set fire to the remains. It's not that the Raptors can't win in the playoffs, it's that there are too many conditions on them. IF they can stay in the six spot so they face th Magic AND IF Bosh averages 33 and 15 AND IF TJ Ford remembers there are other guys on his team AND IF Jamario Moon comes up with some big shots AND IF Jason Kapono somehow replaces his skills with that of an actual in-game shooter this season, then yeah, I feel good about the Dinos later this month.

Basketbawful Says: Good news for bratty kids everywhere. T.J. Ford’s selfish pouting and unscrupulous gunning has earned him a spot in the Raptor’s starting lineup. Rumor has it he’s going to poop himself and throw a temper tantrum if he doesn’t start getting more shots than Chris Bosh. Hey, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, right?

11. Washington Wizards: When your postseason success rate depends entirely on a guy who's been out the whole season and blogs about intentionally crashing his car? Maybe you're not where you want to be yet.

Basketbawful Says: With the way the Wizards’ medical staff keeps delaying Agent Zero’s return, it’s almost like they don’t even want him back, you know? Does anybody else feel that way?

12. Cleveland Cavaliers: Here's the thing. Yes, they are maddeningly inconsistent. Yes, there are parts of them that should be getting way fewer minutes (*cough*Ben Wallace! *cough*). And yes, they lack weaponry. But in an elimination game 6, on the road, against LeBron James, is there any way you want your team to step on that court?

Basketbawful Says: Maybe I’m just imagining things, but I think LeBron is actually starting to get worn down from dragging around 11 corpses all season. Hmm. Maybe he’s human after all…

13. Orlando Magic: No one really seems to recognize that when this team is at full gear, it's a monster. I'm not kidding. With Howard down low, capable shooters, multiple options at point in case one's not feeling it, and oh, yeah, again, Howard down low, I think this team is going to feed off the disrespect it's getting. Straight into a second round sweep. Sigh. Baby steps.

Basketbawful Says: I’m really going to miss Dwight and the boys when their plucky season ends in a second round defeat. But we’ll always have that Superman dunk.

14. Detroit Pistons: Basketbawful says they have no identity. I'm actually more excited about this team than I have been in years. They have young talent, a very "last ride" feel for the veterans, and a chip on their shoulder about last year's elimination and this year's Celtics parade. Plus you've got that announcer guy for at least 6 games.

Basketbawful Says: It’s amazing how not impressed I am by the Pistons right now, despite the fact that they have the second-best record in the league. They just don’t have a real strong identity right now, but you can tell that Billups and the other veterans think they can just turn it on at will. That didn’t work very well the last couple years, though, did it?

15. Boston Celtics: Better than everyone.

Basketbawful Says: Nobody wants to have to play against the Celtics’ defense. Trust me on that.

 
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