Friday, March 14, 2008

Powerless Rankings 3.14.08

Every (okay, most) weeks, Basketbawful and I bring you the latest and greatest (okay, worstest and .... flirtiest...?) in who sucks in the NBA. These are the Powerless Rankings. Check out the Eastern Conference here, at Basketbawful. And please, remember, no one has the right to touch you in your Giricek area.

Western Conference:

1. Memphis Grizzlies:
HP: Almost...there...almost...worst...must...get...draft pick that won't help for another three years...

Basketbawful says: Their current big man situation makes them long for those halcyon days in Vancouver when the starting job was locked up by “Big Country” Bryant Reeves.

2. Minnesota Timberwolves:
HP: I keep waiting on that win streak that never comes. It's like the Replacements reunion tour.

Basketbawful says:Their new team motto of “Let’s Built It” is sure a far cry from last summer’s slogan of “Let’s Destroy It.”

3. Seattle Supersonics:
HP: I think a fun game would be to put bets on the over/under of how many of the current roster will be on this team in two years.

Basketbawful says: They’ve officially devolved into a pickup team. I bet they even shoot freethrows before tipoff to decide who starts.

4. LA Clippers:
HP: Brand's shadow has crossed the court. Which is good, because this team is easier to look at in the dark.

Basketbawful says: Four words that should strike fear into the heart of any fanbase: They signed Smush Parker.

5. Sacramento Kings:
HP: Gotta love a team that can play superb team ball together one night, then bench Ron Artest and play like crap the next. They're like that crazy uncle who brings presents for the kids but you're scared will take a dump in the jello.

Basketbawful says: This team is as unpredictable as what my poop will look like after a night of drinking beer and eating Taco Bell.

6. Denver Nuggets:
HP: Hey, you beat the Spurs! Good job! Portland's still above you. Why? They have Greg Oden. You have J.R. Smith. That is all.

Basketbawful says:That Web site must have them too distracted to play defense. Yeah. That must be it.

7. Portland Trailblazers:
HP: Like I said, Greg Oden. Whee!

Basketbawful says: Coach Nate McMillan said earlier this week that the team needs some leadership. I suggest Captain America. You can reach him at 1-800-JUSTICE.

8. Phoenix Suns:
HP: Okay, as long as they get better at defense, rebounding, shooting, creating open shots, incorporating Shaq, getting Amare touches, and resting Nash enough, they should have enough to finish how they did last year. Wait.

Basketbawful says: It was a good week for the Suns. They proved they can still beat the Grizzlies (like pretty much everybody else) and outgun the Warriors (with Shaq on the bench with foul trouble). I’d say it’s time to start stitching together that championship banner.

9. Dallas Mavericks:
They really only have one central weakness that's holding them back right now. Not scoring more points than the other team. It's a small element, I know, but one I feel is kind of important.

Basketbawful says: The Mavs have won three in a row but actually moved down in the Western Conference standings. Kinda reminds me of that scene in There’s Something About Mary when Ben Stiller lands a prom date with Cameron Diaz then mutilates his schlong in his zipper. But then, what doesn’t remind me of that scene?

10. Golden State Warriors:
They're not necessarily better than the teams below them. But they're also not afraid of anyone either. That goes a long way. Ask the Mavericks.

Basketbawful says: Don Nelson isn’t concerned about seeding. His mission is making the playoffs, period. Oh, and kicking back a few brews. I can’t help but think I would coach exactly like this guy.

11. Utah (Should Be Called Anything But The) Jazz:
HP: How high of a seed do they need to get to have all of their playoff games at home? Like, all of them? Is there some sort of secret 1A seed they can get? Because they need it.

Basketbawful says: At this point, none of the Jazz players are even willing to let their children sleep over at a friend’s house. That’s how afraid they are of being away from home.

12. New Orleans Hornets:
HP: This team has a great position. They had the hot start, the solid month at the top, a small slide, and now they're under the radar, but rolling again. If they come up to periscope depth, they may have the firing solution.

Basketbawful says: Nobody’s talking about the, uh…Hummers…Honeybees…Hungarians. It’s an H-word, definitely an H-word. It’s…definitely an H-word.

13. San Antonio Spurs:
HP: Must...not...fall..for same old trick... they will still... be end...

Basketbawful says: When the Spurs players were your age, they had to run up and down the court in the snow. Both way.

14. Houston Rockets:
HP: Wins is wins is wins. For now. We're gonna keep an eye on those wheels and keep all exit ways on the bandwagon clear, though.

Basketbawful says: They made history by becoming just the third NBA team to ever win 20 games in a row. Yet not one person on this planet outside of their locker room thinks they’re a contender for anything more than a first round elimination.

15. LA Lakers:
HP: Not only are they better than everyone else, the league says they are better than everyone else. Dig?

Basketbawful says: Okay. They’ve warmed Pau Gasol up on three weeks worth of pansies. This four-game road trip is going to show us what the Lakers are really made of. (Here’s a hint: It rhymes with “pure evil.”)

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