Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Powerless Rankings 2.5.08

This season, Basketbawful and I are bringing you the absolute guide to the most wretched forms of basketball-like substances in the league. You call it mockery. We call it the Powerless Rankings. Basketbawful has the Western Conference, which you can see here.

1. Miami Heat: You really want to know what I would compare them to? Fine. You asked for it.

Basketbawful Says: I pity these fools.

2. New York Knicks: The Clippers think these guys are sad. The Clippers. The Mash Unit with the Caveman. Next up? Carrot Top throws a fundraiser for them.

Basketbawful Says: Magic Johnson thinks this team is going to make the playoffs. Of course, Magic also used to kiss Isiah on the mouth before NBA Finals games.

3. Charlotte Bobcats: Text from Corndogg the other night: "McGinness= WORST PLAYER EVER ON NBA TEAM." He's not prone to superlative, just so you know.

Basketbawful Says: I watched this team play a couple times last week and found myself thinking, "Wow, they could sure use Adam Morrison about now." What does that tell you?

4. Milwaukee Bucks: There's rebuilding, there's firesale, and then there's what the Bucks need. Which is Roto-Rooter.

Basketbawful Says: Fact or fiction: "Milwaukee" is Native American for "This team sucks"?

5. Philadelphia 76ers: This team's a lot like PT Anderson's career. Starts off strong and then just gets stranger and suckier as it goes, with There Will Be Blood as an obvious upswing. Hope for the Sixers? (Ed. Note: Corndogg would like to note that he does not share this opinion, that this is "f*cking bullsh*t," and that PT Anderson "f*cking rules all."-Matt)

Basketbawful Says: Ever accidentally shift your car into neutral and then hit the gas? The engine starts revving like crazy but you aren't going anywhere? That's the Sixers for you.

6. Chicago Bulls: We like to think that somewhere, Scott Skiles is reflecting on how useless the last four years of his life were, and gets sad. Then, as he pays another hooker to come parachuting into his room with blow under her arms, he smiles again. Because he's bloody rich. And can still move faster than Ben Wallace.

Basketbawful Says: Now Bulls fans don't even have the "Well, maybe we can trade for Pau Gasol" fantasy to ease their pain. Make no mistake: Things are going to get worse before they get better.

7. Indiana Pacers: The Vanilla Ice Cream of NBA Teams. If Vanilla Ice Cream tasted like ass.

Basketbawful Says: At this point, Larry Bird has to be considering using his Boston connection to trick Kevin McHale out of Al Jefferson. I'm thinking Ike Diogu and Travis Diener for Jefferson. Sound fair, Kevin? Okay, we'll take on Antoine Walker, too.

8. Atlanta Hawks: You ever wonder if there's a moment of silence on the team plane following a win, and then, from the back, comes Josh Childress' voice, "How in the hell did we do that?"?

Basketbawful Says: KAW! We suck! KAW!

9. New Jersey Nets: "Please. Someone take us out. Please. Make it end. It's a mercy killing. Please. Don't make us go to the playoffs. It's too much."

Basketbawful Says: Okay, so they lose nine in a row, then win two in a row, and - even though they're still six games below .500, they're suddenly 7th in the East? Can we just send this whole conference to the D-League? (Minus Boston and Detroit of course.)

10. Washington Wizards: Oh, THAT'S why we need Arenas! That whole, "scoring points" thing!

Basketbawful Says: The Wiz had been playing pretty well, and suddenly everybody's talking about how this team doesn't need Gilbert Arenas. Then they lost to the Bucks, got hammered by the Raptors, and were stymied by the Jazz. Don't get me wrong, these guys have done a great job under the circumstances. But they're only going to be so good without their superstar.

11. Toronto Raptors: This team is the personification of the transitive property. Can't beat good teams, won't lose to bad ones.

Basketbawful Says: Okay. The way the Lakers manhandled the Raptors in Toronto just flat out worries me. If you can't get a hand in somebody's face at home, when will you get a hand in their face?

12. Cleveland LeBrons: All UR Winz R Belong To LoBRONZ.

Basketbawful Says: Don't let that loss to the Sonics fool you. These guys are picking up steam. Of course, Lebron James is the boiler that's pumping out that steam.

13. Orlando Magic: Maybe someday we'll be a real contender, Geppetto!

Basketbawful Says: Their record still looks nice and sparkly, but...they lost to Detrot and barely beat the KG-less Celtics. This week's games against Dallas and the Lakers - who will presumably have Pau Gasol in the blue and gold - should tell us whether this team is ready for prime time.

14. Detroit Pistons: Terror pisses itself when it sees the Pistons at full strength.

Basketbawful Says: The Pistons are on a roll, yet nobody (outside of the Motor City) seems to be taking notice.

15. Boston Celtics: So without KG they're better than 90% of the teams in the league. As long as there's parity, right Stern?

Basketbawful Says: They won two out of three without The Big Ticket. And, in fact, they were one miracle shot from Hedo Turkoglu from possibly going 3-for-3. The roleplayers are really starting to come on. I hope everybody's ready for a Lakers/Celtics Finals.

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