Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Powerless Rankings: 2.12.08

Every week, Basketbawful and HP track how truly disappointing and pathetic the teams in the NBA are, much like your parents during your college years. This week, we're shellacking the West, while Basketbawful is threshing the East.

1. Memphis Grizzlies:
HP Says: Man, what a tremendous move by the Grizzlies. It's this type of commitment to ineptitude that we really admire. These guys are king of the hill for the foreseeable future.

Basketbawful Says:
I just have a feeling about these guys. I honestly think they'll be dancing in March! Wait, what? They aren't a college team? Oh, well, forget it then.

2. LA Clippers:

HP Says: The Clippers just keep struggling for air, even though they have a giant anchor tied to their feet and the water is so cold. So...cold...

Basketbawful Says:
The Clippers don't want to buy out the remainder of Sam Cassell's contract. No, they want to trade him for a first-round draft pick. At least. Good luck with that one, guys. That's like trying to trade in a Honda with 200,000 miles on it for a Mustang.

3. Minnesota Timberwolves:

HP Says: Boston's going to reap the karmic whirlwind for their behavior towards these Wolves. The team is starting to gel, even if slowly. Don't expect them this high next season.

Basketbawful Says:
Did you know the human head weighs, like, eight pounds? That doesn't have anything to do with anything, but it's more interesting than anything I could say about the Timberwolves.

4. Seattle Supersonics:

HP Says: You know when your little brother would try charging you, and you'd hold out your hand, put it on his head, and watch him harmlessly swat the air trying to get to you, only occasionally he'd hit you in the nuts when you weren't paying attention? Yeah, that's the Sonics.

Basketbawful Says:
There's not a lot to be happy about in Sonicland right now, but at least Wally Szczerbiak's timeout snafu provided a little comic relief. In the team's next game, Szczerbiak plans to slip on a banana peel and fall face-first into a cream pie held by none other than Bozo the Clown. Good times for one and all.

5. Sacramento Kings:

HP Says: The Kings haven't won a division game. This season. At all. Do you realize that means they're 0 fer Clippers? Better does not equal good. Oh, and they need to ditch Crazy Pills right freaking now.

Basketbawful Says:
Ron Artest says he's going to opt out of his contract after this season and believes he should command "something like $14 or $15 million." In what, pesatas? I mean, he leads the Kings in...in...turnovers. And crazy. Don't forget the crazy.

6. Portland Trailblazers:

HP Says: The winner of this year's "I for Effort" Award. What's the I stand for? "It won't be so funny when Oden gets in and starts killing people inside."

Basketbawful Says:
They're only 6-9 in their last 15 games, but they've been losing to good teams. And the Pacers. Uh oh.

7. Golden State Warriors:

HP Says: They needed 41 points from S. Jax to come back against the Wizards. Chris Webber is starting. Are you starting to get the same heebie-geebies about this team we are?

Basketbawful Says:
Did your grandfather ever visit you at college and try to go out drinking with you and your buddies? Then you know what it was like to watch Chris Webber suit up and play for the Warriors last week. And nobody - I mean nobody - wants to watch grandpa break a hip while doing a keg stand. Only in this case "grandpa" is Chris Webber and "keg stand" is anything at all.

8. Houston Rockets:
HP Says:
"Oh, that's right! We have a seven foot center with touch, a dynamic scoring guard/forward (who's a p*ssy), a deep bench and an extremely talented frontcourt! Maybe we should start sucking now, what do you say?"

Basketbawful Says:
Do you hear that fwooooshing sound? That's a goddamn rocket ship taking off, brother. Try not to choke on the slipstream or whatever.

9. Denver Nuggets:

HP Says: The best damn playoff warmup squad money can buy.

Basketbawful Says:
The Nuggets are pretty good this year, and they've got two of the league's top scorers on the team. But I don't know anybody who's afraid of this team. Or even mildly nervous. I think that says something.

10. San Antonio Spurs:

HP Says: Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic. Happens every year. Don't panic. Don't panic. Parker's hurt. Don't panic. Don't panic. They'll be fine in April. Don't panic. Don't panic...

Basketbawful Says:
Hm. They just lost to a frontcourt trifecta of Leon Powe, Brian Salabrine, and Glen "Big Baby" Davis. And "missing Kevin Garnett" should have more than balanced out "missing Tony Parker." I'm you're a Spurs fan, you should start worrying...now.

11. Phoenix Suns:

HP Says: (Insert Shaq joke here.)

Basketbawful Says:
As long as Shaq can satisfy Amare Stoudemire's physical needs, the Suns should be unstoppable. But that won't be as easy as it sounds. Amare is freaking insatiable. Uh, so I've...heard...

12. Dallas Mavericks:

HP Says: "Oh, wow! Look! The Suns look great! Man, and so do the Hornets! And jeez, the Lakers! *whispers to self* (Haha, fools! They'll never see us coming! We'll show them! We'll show them all! Wait, what's that? Aw crap, we just got beat by the Nets while we were focusing on how no one is focusing on us! Damn it! Every time!")

Basketbawful Says:
Just when I was starting to believe in the Mavs again, they get blown out by an awful New Jersey Nets team. I cannot trust them with my heart. Much like the bad guy in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

13. New Orleans Hornets:

HP Says: No longer unbeatable, but still damn good. The White Stripes for the NBA Season.

Basketbawful Says:
First Mardi Gras, now the NBA All-Star Weekend. Life has turned into one big hangover for the Hornets. Dr. Basketbawful prescribes Ibuprofin, lots of Gatorade, and a few nights spent in the quiet comfort of home.

14. LA Lakers:
HP Says: Number one thing I've heard from bloggers and friends this week regarding the Lakers? "God, I hate the Lakers." Congratulations, Lakers fans. You're back to where you you "belong." Beating everyone and having everyone hope your team gets treatable Herpes.

Basketbawful Says:
They look tough on paper, and they look really tough in person. Still...they did lose to the Atlanta Hawks...

15. Utah Jazz:

HP Says: "Man, this is invincibility juice is awesome! Hey, what's this little inscription on the side of the bottle? 'Expires April 14th, 2008'. Huh. Oh, well. More Kool-Aid! "

Basketbawful Says:
This special season for the Jazz may well go down in franchise history as The Year of Kyle Korver. Who saw that one coming?

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