15 Reasons To Watch The Games In The NBA Tonight:
1. Welcome Back, Player That Never Won Us A Championship And Acts Like He's Always Belonged On His New Team He's Finally Winning With! We Love You!: Okay, look. We get it. KG was a really great player for the wolves. We understand that. And we're fine with the video package tonight. And it'll be a nice standing ovation he'll get. But Jesus, that's it, okay? We're hearing discussions of how the Minnesota fans should appreciate everything KG has "done for that city." Um...really? I mean, I'm sure he's done some great charity work, much like 90% of the league has. What, carried them to the playoffs for a few years? Two series wins in his entire time there? No championships? I just don't think the Wolves fans need to lie down for a player that's fully embraced another team and is now primed to win a championship with them. And we hope, we pray, we beg the Basketball Gods, please, let the Harbinger (Al Jefferson) lead them to victory tonight.
2. There Must Be A Winner...We...Guess: Nets at Bobcats tonight. Charlotte's lost four in a row. The Nets have lost 3. G-Force is back from his stint with an ankle sprain, so that's good. The Nets are still the Nets, so that's not good. Bobcats coach Sam Vincent is retooling his lineup to try and get a spark, which is a lot like cleaning the air filters in Chernobyl. Still, the Nets are clinging to the last playo spot in the East by their pinkies, and the Bobcats aren't starting Jef McInnis, so maybe this will be interesting in some way.
3. Now Would Be A Good Time For One Of Those "Good" Games: The Magic have been up and down, as always. They're 8-2 in their last 10, but they did have that annihilation by the Mavs to start the week. Tonight the Lakers and the GREATEST TEAM EVER ASSEMBLED, OMG THEY GOT PAU GASOL show roll in, straight off a loss to the Hawks. Yeah. The Hawks. Anyway, they'll likely be motivated. The Magic are going to need Rashard Lewis, Hedo, and of course, BBJ to have huge games. It would also be nice if they had a shooter they could lean on. The natural answer here is to let JJ Reddick see the light of day, but we know that's not going to happen. Pat Garrity like a mofo!
4. HELP! He Needs Somebody! HELP! He'll Take Anybody!: The Cavs are without Gooden again tonight as they head to Atlanta to take on the surging (WTF?) Hawks. The Hawks are looking to close out a 4 game homestand undefeated, and are playing some petty terrific ball. The Cavs, meanwhile, have somehow managed to get worse as LeBron has gotten better. Seriously. There's an inverse relationship. The more effort LeBron expends, the more weight the Cavs put on him. We like the idea of the Hawks multi-layer frontcourt trying to slow down LBJ, but who the hell is going to guard Z?
5. Where "Dogging Your Former Team" Happens: (The answer to your question is, "Yes, we will use the 'Where (blank) Happens' joke evertime we need a header. Thanks for asking. Hardwood Paroxysm. Where overplayed jokes happen.) Sheed went out and said the Blazers weren't all that and a bag of cocoa beans. Unfortunately, the Blazers will probably be without Roy tonight due to a family illness, so they'll really just be the beans. Laying on the ground. Smashed into pieces. Travis Outlaw always has some tricks up his sleeves though, so hey, anything can happen.
6. The Terrible Tale of Ime Udoka: Ime Udoka was born out of a cluster of scarab beetles in the desert. Their raw, ravenous thirst for flesh gave rise to the personification of envy. And so did the Ime walk the earth. After devouring the heart of a Scandinavian princess, Ime lost his lust for life and settled down to raise his family on a farm near an apple orchard in up-state Washington. But lo, the forces of the universe would not let him rest, and he appeared suddenly for the Spurs, having siphoned Bruce Bowen's energy. He has gained his propensity for killer late game shots and suffocating defense, without the need of kicking people in the nuts. He is truly, a legend in his own time. That fabricated piece of crap is what you should keep in mind as the Spurs beat the living hell out of the Knicks tonight. It'll be more fun that way.
7. There But For The Grace Of Calderon Go I: How awesome would it be to see all the All-Star Snubs play in a pickup game at the All-Star Game? Just go out and kill it? Jose Calderon is the type of guy you know would go for that. What's crazy? I'll take the Eastern All-Star snubs over the West in a game like that. Anyway, Calderon can showcase his revenge tonight as the Clippers stop in. In case you were wondering about the Clippers year, take the worst year you can imagine for an NBA team, and then make Chris Kaman the bright spot. Cover, and bake for 3 months at 350 degrees. Serve with marmalade and orange roughy.
8. All The Yummy Snack Cakes In The World Won't Make This Better: Memphis is in Dallas tonight, to get the snot beat out of them by the Mavs. The Mavs smell blood in Phoenix and New Orleans, and know that the only way they're coming out of the West is if they stick together, circle the wagons, and grab homecourt advantage. So they are. They've shut up about trade talks, have Jub-Jub workin' the point, and are positively smokin' at this point. They're 7-2 in their division, and Memphis is 2-10. The Dallas stretch-run begins in earnest, tonight. The Grizzlies better make as many Yummy Tummy Cookie Cutter Treats as they can, to condole themselves.
9. Chris Wilcox's Last Meal: Seattle's in town to play the Suns for the last time before Shaq suits up for the boys in orange. Covering KD will be the most interesting matchup tonight. With Marion gone, they'll either have to sick Grant Hill or Boris Diaw on KD, and neither one is a perfect match. The Sonics always seem to make a little run at the Suns, and with the Suns on a little bit of a slide, this could be the night the Sonics catch them after an emotional week. Or, they could lose horribly, because, you know, they're the Sonics.
10. Trillion Watch: Damn you, Eric Snow! You escaped us yesterday! But we'll get you! Aaron Williams. Mouhamed Sene. Jerome James, bitch!
11. Random Wikipedia Analogy of the Day (Via The Random Article Link; No Cheating): The weirdest thing about the Nuggets is how they can go from clutch performers with good chemistry, defense, and terrific scoring threats to absolute piles of dung, from one game to the next. Sometimes, they're big bad beasts, breathing fire, and devouring their opponents whole. And other times, they're a lot like Dronkeys. Small, harmless, and filled with continuity errors.
12. Carlos Boozer's Gonna Haveta Smack A B*tch: The Booze cruise continues tonight in Sactown. Utah's been unfreakingstoppable lately, winning 10 in a row. Kyle Korver may end up being the biggest trade of the season. Tonight they take on the Kings, who, after showing signs of life, have come back to Earth a little bit. They don't match up well with the Jazz at all, and Crazy Pills can get traded at any second. Someone's got to stop the Jazz, but we doubt the Kings are the ones to do it.
13. Today's Word Of The Day: Brakes!: The Wiz have to get Tuff Juice back tonight if they're going to have any shot at toppling Denver in Denver. Butler's been banged up with a hip flexor. Since then, the Wiz have dropped four straight. Luckily, Cleveland's also hit a slide, but the Wizards need to get one more solid push before Arenas gets back later this month. The frontcourt's going to have to play out of it's minds tonight, with the size and speed combos that the Nuggets can throw at them. Watch out for Kleiza, that kid's been tearing it up.
14. It's Gonna Be Tough For Korver To Hit All Those Open 3s When He Is Getting An Overdose Of Crazy Pills (Via The Corndogg): If there is one man in the league who can make a grudge appear out of thin air, its our boy Artest. You know CP be reading some blogs and I bet he don't like listening to people talk about how great the Jazz have been and about how pretty boy Kyle has been lighting it up. What about the Kings? They are healthy too... and playing good basketball to boot. I'm not saying I am expecting a fight, but I wouldnt be surprised if Ron went all Tru Warrior on Mr. Korver tonight.
15. Guess Who's Going To An NBA Game Tonight? (Via The Corndogg) : Not me. Though I could. Nets are in Charlotte tonight. I wouldn't go to this stinker if you paid me and gave me handjob. I would rather sit in a bar in the QC and watch all the T-Wolves fans cry like they are at their mother's funeral when they see KG walk back into the Target Center. Then, McHale will get tased. I promise. Enjoy tonight's action.