Tuesday, February 5, 2008

15 Footer 2.6.08

15 Reasons To Watch The Games Of The NBA Tonight:

1. Something You May Not Have Heard (Via The Corndogg): Get this. This guy you've never heard of, Pau Gasol, has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. And tonight is his first game. Now, no matter what you think about the Lakers, you have to admit one thing now. They are the greatest team in the history of the World. It's clear. There is no team that will be able to beat them from now, until Kobe retires. They actually are being placed as Presidente Infinitum of the United States, Canada, and Mexico. They will sweep the Golden State Warriors, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, and Boston Celtics (though the Celtics will make a furious game of it in game 3, only losing by 60), then go on to defeat the Boston Red Sox, Florida Gators, and New England Patriots before turning their attentions towards intergalactic conquest. So tune in tonight to see a great small-market team you never get to watch begin their march to infinite perfection!

2. Hope You're Excited About The Celtics From Three Years Ago (Via The Corndogg): Because it's Pierce and some other guys, again. This could have been a huge matchup between LeBron and the big three. But with the abdominal strain still bothering KG, and Ray Allen's ankle acting up, it's Pierce, Powe, and Rondo. This should be a bit better game because of it, and of course, you know, watching LeBron do his thing is always fun.

3. Perhaps Not The Star Power Of The Other Matchups: Wizards at Philly. Both teams are licking their wounds after disappointing losses. The Wizards are going to have to beat up on the East if they're going to stay within range of homecourt advantage anywhere in the playoffs. The Sixers need a win to stay within reach of the 8 seed. This has some interesting matchups with Iguodala versus Stevenson and Dalembert versus Haywood. Caron Butler's health is probably the swing vote, as it were.

4. Where "Number One Busts Playing Together" Happens: You can go watch Pau work in the triangle all you want. Us? We want to see Kwame Brown and Darko Milicic on the same court at the same time on the same team. This is some sort of theoretical antimatter physics concept brought to practicum. Even though we don't really agree with the "bust" label being applied to Darko, it's still an amazing combination of disappointments. Do you realize that tonight, between two players on the floor, there will be $40 million dollars spent for a combined line of 12.2 pts, 11.4 rebounds, and 2.4 assists, for their careers? This is epic.

5. The Joke Tells Itself (Corndogg): So, the two teams who just trade-raped Memphis (despite Matt and 3 Shades spinning it as a good scenario) face off tonight. Funny thing is that only 1 of these teams got better because of it. Good thing Rod Thorn went out of his way to keep Jason Kidd happy. (Ed. note - I want a trademark on the term "trade-raped"- Corndogg).

6. NBA Programming Is A Bigger Lie Than Santa Claus (Via The Corndogg): In a dark corporate boardroom, far far away, well before the season started and under the guise of competetiveness, the NBA programming team looked at tonight and somehow thought that LA vs. NJN would be a better matchup than The Hydra vs. The King. What, do you think they figured the Pats would just be winning the Super Bowl and that "another" Boston game would be too much for the country to take? So, they pander to us with more Kobe, whom everyone adores? These guys make as much sense as the Bush tax plan. NBA = No Brains Attached. (Ed. Note: Matt would just like to say that for as much as he "hates" on LA, even he's recording this game. The Gasol trade is interesting, we have to give it that. -Matt)

7. Speaking of Super Tuesday (Via The Corndogg): Milwaukee at Memphis.

8.What Took You So Long? (Via The Corndogg): Finally, Lebron's scoring average has eclipsed the hallowed 30ppg mark. Look what happens when you stop setting Larry Hughes up for so many shots and your tell Ferry to put a hit out on Damon Jones.

9. Trillion Watch: Demetris Nichols. Dominic McGuire. Every single one of the New Jersey Nets.

10.Random Wikipedia Analogy of the Day (Via The Random Article Link; No Cheating): How can the Nets beat the Lakers tonight? Well, they could tell them to call off the basketball game and challenge them to a game of chess. They could pump ether into the locker room before the game. Or they could simply enter a warrior state of no-mind, or "Mushin." For reference in how to do this, watch LeBron James, or heck, more conveniently, Kobe Bryant.

11. (Insert 15 Footer Here): The San Antonio Spurs and the Indiana Pacers meet tonight in a battle of (insert interesting nouns here). The Spurs will be led by the extremely efficient (insert Spur) and (insert foreign Spur). The Pacers, meanwhile, will counter with (insert Pacer) and (insert Pacer). In the end, (insert boring statistic) and (boring play-style) will be the difference in this game, and the Spurs should (insert less-exciting synonym for "whup"). It should be quite a (insert adjective) (insert synonym for game).

12. Technically, There Are Two Teams: You know, if the Nets weren't terrible, this would be a great matchup. Carter. Jefferson. Kidd. Kobe. Odom. Gasol. But the Nets have no bench, no interior defense. No perimeter defense. Poor shooting. Poor teamwork. Poor-ness. But just imagine. For a second. If the Nets won this f'ing thing? Screw it. We're rooting for the Ne...can't. Just can't do it. Gasol's too awesome and Carter's too much of a douche.

No Wonder Your Knees Hurt, You've Been Begging For A Trade For 3 Years (Via The Corndogg): Jermaine O'Neal gets a courtside seat tonight while he watches his former team, the Pacers, host the Spurs and the other "quietest tall and thin black man in the basketball businees," Tim Duncan. After a scrappy win over the Suns last week, SA got some much needed rest for the second leg of their huge road trip and should two step into Indy, efficiently outscore and hustle the Pacers and the leave. Sort of like my housekeeper, except without all the genital-scratching and sneezing.

14. Just Put Him In Your Fave 5 (Via The Corndogg): Is anyone else perplexed as to why the Bucks can't seem to just put Bobby Simmons, with his awful contract and matching game, on the bench and let Villanueva run wild at the 3? The problem in Cheese-ville is not that CV is unhappy, its that such a minor shift in the roster would not only eliminate this infernal problem, but also make the team better. Who cares if Bobby Simmons wants to be traded? You've already dug your grave there, Milwaukee. Might as well get some value out of that TJ Ford trade because Toronto, (who received a player who is one trip away from certain paralysis or retirement), is getting more value than the team that landed a 6'10" super skilled inside-out forward who just really wants to win.

15. The Race Pathetic Crawl For the 8 Seed Continues: The Sixers can move a half game back of the 8 spot tonight with a loss by the Nets. This team traded AI last season. And they're a half game back of the playoffs. We don't know whether to congratulate the Sixers or quarantine the bottom 10 of the Eastern Conference.

16 Bonus! When They Talk About An East Coast Bias, They Don't Necessarily Mean Between Northern Virginia and East-Central Pennsylvania (Via The Corndogg): The best team the media has forgotten (the Wiz, with 2 All Stars no one knows and 1 injured superstar who people actually care about) head to the team the media can't bash anymore because they got rid of their wretched GM (Philly) and are making "progress" towards a high draft pick and overpaying fantasy stud Andre Iguodala. And although we here at HP believe in Tough Juice AND Ed Stefanski, that doesn't necessarily mean that anyone else does. Its a good metaphor for life.

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