Okay. We have a mission.
Get through this 15 Footer, without mentioning Shaquille O'Neal's trade to the Phoenix Suns. We can do this. Do you believe in us? We believe in us. Let's do this.
15 Reasons To Watch The Games In The NBA Tonight Other Than To Follow The Continuing Destruction Of The Most Entertaining Team In the Last Decade:
1. Okay, Now Would Be A Good Time For The Cavalry: The Wizards were doing fine without Arenas. Then Butler went down. And their interior defense melted like Velveeta on a hot day. A 17-0 run by the Sixers later, and this team needs it's two stars back, and needs them now. Unfortunately, that will not be happening. Meanwhile, the Spurs are in town. This should end well. Does everyone realize that outside of AJam, this lineup could be the bench squad for San Antonio? I mean, we love the Lock Smith, and we think Haywood's been fantastic. But dear Lord, this is going to be a beatdown.
2. Josh Smith Better Get An Advanced Degree In Genetic Microbiology Real Quick: The Pau-Wow is in Atlanta tonight to take on the Hawks. Ruh-roh, Roe. Somehow I doubt Mamba's shooting 3 of 13 again. Anybody else see the over-the-back, no-look pass he dished last night? That's the first time a Laker has EVER made me jump straight out of my chair. I'm trying to find it on YouTube but all I get are shots of him dropping the ball in over the wee Nets. Things should be as easy tonight, because as fast and athletic as the Hawks are, they don't have a beast down-low. Oh, Horford, save yourself. This is prime "Josh Smith gets pissed he never gets attention" territory, though.
3. The Words You're Looking For Are "Oh, God, Not Again": Those lovable, huggable Nets actually gave a pretty good effort last night, even Vince Carter (we're not even going to count this on our "Three Nice Things We Say About Vince Carter Per Year" list). However, like I said, they have some issues once you get past Richard Jefferson's ballsy effort at the 3. Oh, and Antoine Wright was awful last night. Luckily, they're only playing the Magic with one of the best one-two combos right now in BBJ-Hedo. 3rd Quarter Collapse thinks they need to move Hedo to the 2, and we wish they'd do this tonight, even without the updgrade, just so we can see Vince Carter get Hedowned. Douchebag.
4. That's Funny, We're Missing Our Superstar Power Forward Too! What? Out For The Year? Yeah, We Call That "Armageddon.": The Clip is in Beantown tonight taking on the wounded but still deadly Celtics. KG won't play. Brand won't play. You know what that means! It's Pierce! It's Maggette! It's the NBA! On League Pass!
5. My Crappy GM Is Way Better Than Your Crappy GM: Pacers in the Apple tonight. Let me break it down real quick and save you the time. Crawford, 20 and 4, Curry 15 and 10. Granger 28 and 13, Dunleavy 18 and 8. Giants get a standing O, that's the only noise the crowd makes all night. Isiah is not fired. The end.
6. You Can Trade For Whoever You Want, It's Not Going To Change This: Here's the funniest part about this trade that we're not talking about. The exact same Miami team is showing up in Detroit tonight, no matter what. And the result will be the same. Detroit is only 3 games back of the top seed in the East, and they want to take advantage of the Garnett injury before the All-Star break. Look for Jason Maxiell and Stuckey to have big minutes and big lines in this laugher. But hey, Dwayne Wade's always fun to watch. I wonder what the Heat announcers will have to talk about, though?
7. We're Doing Just Fine, Thanks: Milwaukee in Dallas to take on the we're-not-trading-anyone-thanks Mavs. After slaughtering the Magic like lambs, they get one of the worst defensive teams in the league. Yi and Redd are both out, while Josh Howard has been absolute killer assassin sent back in time to destroy all life on a basketball court. Dallas, though, is strangely 11-9 against the East this year? Isn't that odd? Maybe VNuv (16 and 16 last night in a start, told you! Nailed it!) can pull out something amazing with Mo.
8. There Ain't Room Enough In This Division For Both Of Us: Utah at Denver. This is going to get downright NASTY. The Jazz are pissed that no one is paying any attention to them and have been destroying teams. Denver meanwhile has been pacing itself. These two are rearing to go. The biggest thing is that both teams have been showing a lot of bully mentality lately. The Jazz were positively thuggish in the beatdown of the Hornets this week. Everyone was popping jerseys, pumping fists, and glaring. Meanwhile, Denver has Carmelo Anthony and JR Smith. Consider this your brawl-pick of the night.
9. You Gotta Believe!: Kings at Sonics. Last time these two played, Kevin Martin did his little magic dance. Both of these squads are playing better, but the Kings are a step up. They're 7-3 in their last 10, have won four straight, and all of a sudden are starting to lick their chops at that 8 seed and the opportunity to get smothered in their sleep in the first round like they were in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Which is appropriate, you know. Because, see, Ron Artest is f*cking crazy.
10. Oh, Hi, LaMarcus. Good To See You. Why Are You Carrying That Machete?: Bulls in Portland tonight. Hinrich joins the walking wounded with ribs. The Bulls are a half-game behind the anchor-like Nets for the 8th seed, but at this point, there's Ben Wallace, Andres Nocioni, and a bunch of random people and Noah. Portland, meanwhile, is clinging with the jaws of life to stay in the playoff race. Both of these teams need a win tonight to keep pace. Portland can sweep the season series with a win tonight.
11. Trillion Watch: Antoine Wright. Jameer Nelson. Mardy Collins. Darryl Watkins.
12. Random Wikipedia Analogy of the Day (Via The Random Article Link; No Cheating): List of things easier for the Wiz than beating Duncan and the Spurs tonight without Caron:
Achieving autonomous flight.
Discovering perpetual motion.
Outrunning a rabid cougar.
Conquering the rock climbing areas of Ceuse, France.
(Ed. Note. Okay, we almost made it through the 15 without mentioning the trade. Then Corndogg went and ruined it. As usual. Go Tarheels, f*cker.- Matt)
13. Glad We Got That Out Of The Way (Via The Corndogg): Nice win last night, Milwaukee. Now, you get a rested, hungry Shaq-free Dallas team who should be a shoo-in to win the championship. You better hope they are looking past you. Or, that you wore diapers. This one could get smelly.
14. While My Lamar Gently Weeps (Via The Corndogg): Odom, with all of his underachievement, inability to be a big time defensive presence and liability from outside 12 feet must surely feel underappreciated and under-valued. Lots of "under" words there. Well, you know what, you can suck it Odom. Cause you are playing on a team looking to peel off 40 straight wins, espeically if the Gasol from last night becomes the Gasol from every night. Now, go get all Shawn Marion on Kupchak and he will ship you off to Minneapolis. I hear Antoine Walker is coming into his own.
15. The Great Escape: If we could get a running slideshow of Marion's face if he gets traded to Miami and arrives in time to watch the game and see what he's working with? That would be great, thanks. You wanted to be the man, man! Well... You're The Man, Now, Dog!
BONUS: 16. Duke vs. Carolina (Via The Corndogg): Do yourself a favor. Unless you are getting NOLA @ Phoenix tonight, sit back and soak in some Dickie V while watching by beloved Blue Devils take on my alma mater. Yeah, you read that right? What, you thought the Shaq trade was the only thing screwing up the planetary alingment. This game will be priceless! (Ed. Note: And by priceless, he means "an overplayed storyline featuring two teams that will not be winning the championship this year under any circumstances. Thanks. -Matt)
BONUS : 17. Regarding The Impending Shaquille O'Neal To Phoenix Suns Trade: To recap: F**************CK.