15 Reasons To Watch The Games In The NBA Tonight:
1. If Childress Adjusts His Afro-Pick, The Whole Damn Boat Sinks: Philly is in Atlanta tonight, where things are not all rosy. The Hawks are in the 7 spot, but only by the hair on their prepubescent chins. They're 3-7 in their last 10 and not looking good at all. They had a nice rebound game versus the Nets the other night, but that's pretty much a dunk contest anyway. Lucky for them, the rest of the East is vomiting blood and has no interest in overtaking them. Burying the Sixers would be a step in the right direction. Dalembert might have something to say about that, though.
2. Apparently, It's Awkard European That Likes To Party Night: Dirk and the boys got shock and awed yesterday in the Palace. Now they venture down to Orlando where BBJ and Hedo Who Does await. We find it highly unlikely that the Mavs won't respond to yesterday's shellacking, but if they don't...go ahead and start penciling in Jason Kidd. A loss tonight would drop the Mavs to 5-5 in their last 10, a 2 game losing streak, and an 11-13 road record. These guys are the number 3 freaking seed in the West, and we're here to tell you, with those numbers, it's just not good enough to keep pace in what is shaping up to be the most exciting last three months in the Western Conference in years. Orlando, by the way, is 8-2 in its last 10, and on a 4 game win streak. Showdown in the Magic Kingdom tonight.
3. Warning: May Cause Vomiting From Eyes: The Clippers are in New York tonight. Breathe. We'll get through this together. Okay, there's Kaman. He's fun to watch, right? Busts his ass, actually producing. And Thornton! Thornton's a hoss! Tim Thomas might have a good game. Maybe. If he feels like it... Um... Crawford! Crawford's been a bright spot for the Knicks, and he might get traded, so you can find out more about him! And David Lee might get 10 or 15 minutes of run! ... We give up. Watch this one for the same reason you watch Cops. Other people getting chased down and beaten down by slightly out of shape guys is fun.
4. Unless Eli Manning Is Playing Point, They're Screwed: Toronto is in Miami to take on the Lukewarm tonight. Can I hear it from the Raptors fans, please? You wanted me to pick your team over a good team, I did on Friday, and Kobe pistol-whipped you like you shouldn't have even looked in his direction. So A. don't ever pull for me to pick you again and B. don't be bringing that smack about being able to beat good teams. We're not saying you have no shot in the playoffs, anything can happen (Eli Manning?!!), but let's just accept that right now, you're good enough to beat bad teams and average teams, but you struggle with good teams, okay? The good news is that you have the Worst Team tonight. This should be quick and easy, like a trip to a Chinese Masseuse.
5. A Must-Win Game Against A Team With 10 Wins: Here's how redonkulous the Western Conference is. The Rockets have won 3 straight. They're 7-3 in their last 10. They have a 1.3 advantage in point differential over Portland. And they're still 1.5 back off the 8 seed! Tonight they take on the Harbinger, Al Jefferson, in Minny. After a lackluster performance in China Bowl II, Ming's going to need to step it up, because it ain't Bogut he's matched up with tonight. The Wolves are young, big, and hungry. Houston has about zero margin of error right now because of the WTFlazers and the the Golden State Panic At The Disco. Better keep the wheels greased, Dynasty.
6. Where "Holy Hell, This Is An Awesome Game" Happens: Hornets. Jazz. 2 Seed Versus 4 seed. Paul. West. Chandler. Boozer. Deron-Run-Run. AK. This is delicious, that's what this is. You want to know why the NBA regular season can actually matter? Try this one. The Jazz have the Nuggets and Blazers within 2 games. They've won 8 straight, and 9 of their last 10. They're in full function mode, now, and they know the Gasol trade makes seeding that much more important. On the flip side you've got the Hornets, coming off two losses after an 8 game win streak. The Swarm are 16-6 on the road. The Jazz are 20-3 at home. Let's do this.
7. The Real Reason The Hornets Are Better Than You: So, the Sun came out with this completely ridiculous, and thereby awesome, article about the size of men's boomstick by name. You know what names are on this list? David. As in David West. And Chris. As in Paul. You know what names are not on this list? Deron, Carlos, and Andrei. Bring out the Viagra, Jerry. You're going to need the juice.
8. Runnin' Down A Dream. If The Dream Is Actually A Sub .500 Professional Basketball Team: Oh, Bobcats. We're sorry for ever believing in you. Charlotte's lost three in a row, 7 of their last 10, and have plummeted behind Milwaukee in the standings, four games back of the playoffs. Now, G-Force is out. And they're playing Phoenix. In Phoenix. This is not a good combo. Phoenix, meanwhile, is, get this, rested. That Spurs debacle on Thursday night? That was their last game. You can run, Bobcats, but you can't hide. Of course, this Phoenix team did lose to Minnesota, twice.
9. What Goes Up, Must Struggle To Make The Playoffs: We tried to tell you. While you were all convinced that this Blazers team was legit, we kept mentioning their youth, and their point differential, and a history of teams like this to fade. And it's begun. Portland's trying to stabilize at this point, and they're far from a collapse. But they've fallen to third in the division, and a game back of the Nuggets, who come-a-calling tonight. The Nuggets have won 2 straight, but are only 8-13 on the road this year. Their most important player right now? Linas f'ing Kleiza, who's turned into a legit starter, and a tremendous asset. So of course, they're looking to trade him for Crazy Pills. Portland can pull even with the Nuggets tonight, or Denver can kick them into the dirt. Think of this like Mario Cart, and Portland has the red shell, but Denver has the three green shell shield. The Jazz have the invincibility star and are laughing at them.
10. The Rumors Of Kevin Durant Sucking Have Been Greatly Exaggerated: Chicago's resurgence lasted longer than the latest Guns N' Roses tour. Meanwhile, the Sonics are that garage band that was horrible when they first started practicing but all of a sudden have a tour gig. They've won 3 straight and host the Bulls tonight. If the Sonics are going to keep the dream alive, they're going to need Chris Wilcox to show up big time, and for Kirk Hinrich to revert to first-quarter of the season mode. Or just pray this is one of those nights where Boylan decides to play Wallace for 30 minutes and keep Noah and Thomas on the bench. Because he likes to do that. Because he doesn't like being employed.
11. Trillion Watch: Welcome back, Josh McRoberts. Othella Harrington. Calvin Booth.
12. Random Wikipedia Analogy of the Day (Via The Random Article Link; No Cheating): The Blazers resurgence is such a weird combination of events. The Boston trades, the lotteries, the Chicago trade, landing Oden, Oden being out which has allowed Aldridge to develop, it's all part of this weird amalgam that the Blazers comprise. Much like the " arena rock band playing math-post-punk-pop " stylings of the Futureheads.
13. Deja You? (Via The Corndogg): Is it just me or do the Rockets and the T-Wolved play about every 7 days or so this year? Seems like every time I check out the NBA schedule, these two are duking it out and God is trying to find a way to put the Rockets in the playoffs (hint: playing Minny a lot will do that). But seriously, no more of this. T-Mac has to get prepared for the postseason (ed. not -- I couldn't find a pic of McGrady laying around with a cast on eat a cheeseburger. That would have been funny).
14. Balls Of Fury (Via The Corndogg): So, even though this reference is to a ping pong film, I think it fits. Why, you might ask? Because with all the bricks that will be jacked up tonight from the league's two favotire jump shooting teams, it will appear as if a barrage of organce, patent leather circular missile will be spraying everywhere across the court. My guess: Durant misses (and makes) more shots than the entire starting front line of the Bulls.
15. Speaking Of Tiny Balls (Via The Corndogg): The Mavs wade into central Florida tonight to take on Thor Howard and the Threekake Turkoglu. With Harris and Stack out, the Mavs are going bigger. But why are all their behemoths such big pansies? I think Don Nelson has mind (and genital) control over all these guys. The Mavs disappear quicker and more often than Bill Belichick after losing the Super Bowl (bodda-bing. You know I had to get one in there). Dwight and Co. should hammer Dallas on their second night of back to backs.