Allright, cats and kittens. We've got about a bajillion things to do in the next 24 hours, including, but not limited to, finishing Valentine's Day shopping, wine and dine the Paroxiwife, pack for NOLA, drive to NOLA, finish our previews for the D-League All-Star events that we're covering, try and not send stink letter-bombs to Devean George, get our sedatives ready in case we run into Ray Allen so we don't end up screaming "Hedo should be here, tracer! You're a tracer!"
So we're doing three-line-max 15 Footer's for today. Consider it the Damon Stoudamire version. Short and sweet. We'd call it the Roger Goodell version, but that would be totally unsatisfactory and incomplete.
15 Reasons To Watch The Games Of The NBA Tonight:
1. Mark Cuban Stab Watch: Cuban's under a lot of pressure, what with being the icon he is and all; trying to buy the Cubs, trying to start an NFL alternative, and trying to get Jason Kidd traded to the Mavs. And Devean George is blocking the trade? Do you know who Mark Cuban is, Devean? He eats pieces of sh*t like you for breakfast! (Insert dietary query from Happy Gilmore here)
2. It's Almost Like None Of The Trades Actually Happened: Jason Kidd? Not in Dallas. George, Diop, Stack, Ager? Will play for Dallas. Shaq? Not playing for the Suns. Can we just put cardboard cutouts of the players on the floor?
3. But At Least There's The Heat! Guys? Guys!: You realize that the Heat are the only team with a full roster tonight? How scary is that? We got a feeling though. Tonight's the night. Tonight's the night the Heat break through and get the big win. On the road. Go Heat! Ew, vomit.
4. Oh, No, Defense!: Can you imagine going from playing the Warriors to playing the Mavericks? You go from absolutely no defense and Matt Barnes to great defense and Erick Dampier. Yikes. Expect a yo-yo slingback tonight.
5. Over/Under For The Night: 1.5: How many free throws will STAT miss in the final minute to lose the game?
6. Over/Under For The Night2: 1.5: Will Ben Wallace score more points than Amare Stoudemire misses free throws in the final minute?
7. He Would Have Learned This In College... Well, Not Really, Cause He Would Have Gone To Memphis (Via the Corndogg): Gotta be clutch on those free throws Amare, especially against the Mavs or else you will end up in a twilight zone where you are playing on the best team in the sport but can't hit your freebies down the stretch.
8. If You Don't Have Anything Good To Say, Then Don't Say Anything At All (Via the Corndogg): Heat.
9. Apocalypse Now (Via the Corndogg): Cuban is going to roast somebody today... I can feel it, except for the fact that might be just a little bit too busy to blog because in case you were not aware he is trying to trade for Jason Kidd.
10. De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da (Via the Corndogg): Heat
11. Damn It Feels Good To Be A Stackhouse (Via The Corndogg): He ain't even fronting.
12. Dirk Cares Not For Your Petty Squabbles, Mortals: Anybody else noticed that Dirk, under the radar, has been annihilating people? Here's his last 10 game average. 24, 10, 5, and 1 block. Jesus, they should be completely overwhelmed by trade rumors more often.
13. Could It Be?: Thank You Isiah is "reporting" that Tyrus Thomas is slated to start tonight. You realize that this game could actually end up being better than Suns-Mavs because of all the missing...nah.
14. Trillion Watch: Devean George. You douchebag.
15. Random Wikipedia Analogy of the Day (Via The Random Article Link; No Cheating): Man, all the teams playing tonight are missing something. The Suns need a guy sitting on their bench (or on Miami's). The Mavs need someone in Jersey. The Heat need to banish Ricky Davis to the nether regions from whence he came. The Bulls need a center of gravity. But you know what they all need? The HC-4. They wouldn't need point guards or centers or combo-forwards or swingmen if they had the HC-4. Because those guys can do anything.