Friday, February 1, 2008

15 Footer 2.1.08

15 Reasons To Watch The Games In The NBA Tonight:

1. It's Like Pin The Tail On The Donkey, Only Lamar Odom Is Playing The Ass: Lakers are in Toronto tonight to take on the Raps. Okay, Raps fans. You've been complaining about us ragging on you for being unable to beat good teams (which you do have issues with). Well, guess what? Be careful what you wish for, for we shall jinx you into next week. We're picking the Raps tonight. They play good interior defense, even if their perimeter d is suspect, they've got good perimeter shooters, and the Lakers? Well, they're sliding. Hard. They're in the six spot, on the long road trip, and can't find a bucket when they need one. So there you, Raps. You'll learn to respect our disrespect as a sign of protection.

2. If You're Holding Your Breath For A Lot Of Hook Shots, Well, You're Dead: Dwyer lead us to CBS Sports' Dunk-O-Meter. Tonight in Philly it's number 1 versus number 6, as Howard goes against Dalembert. What's doubly awesome? It's number 5 versus number 6 in blocks. This is going to get downright nasty. Throw in Jameer Nelson coming back, Hedo doing as he do, the Iggy show, and you've got yourself a nice little low-press street fight. Bring your bandana and your shiv.

3. In China, He's Known As 非常坏蓝球运动员: That translates to "very bad basketball player." That would be Rafer Alston, who has "emerged" as the point presence for the Rockets, and is conceivably their weakest link. Tonight he faces Kareem Rush and Travis Diener, a formidable duo, for the Pacers. And if that doesn't tell you a little bit about how strange this season is, nothing will. The Rockets have more star power, and you know, the seven foot tall Chinese dude. But they better keep their wits about them.

4. I'll Have A Vodka And Tuff Juice, Hold The Tough Juice: So Caron's probably not playing in this game, meaning the Wizards have exactly f*ck-all chance of winning, because while there is no juice, there is Booze. And the Antonio Daniels Gets Annihilated Tour continues tonight, with Deron-run-run, Deron-run-run coming in, likely pissed about his All-Star snub (Ed. Note: Them's the breaks, kid. Move to the East.-Matt). Jamison is going to have somehow get between the big guys and around the fast guys and create tonight. But these Wizards are known for their resourcefulness. If all else fails, they can just break AK's window and run. That'll show 'em.

5. It's Like A Mirror Image, Only If Peja Was Completely Insane: Tough defense. Great guard play. Centers playing above expectation. Kings and Hornets tonight at ARCO. The difference in this one is likely to be David West. Kevin Martin has been spectacular the last few weeks, but this Hornets team is 9-1 in their last 10, coming off a letdown game against the Dubs. Meanwhile, the Kings have been winning some big games, but there's a limit. West is the one player we don't think the Kings can account for. There's also a possibility Artest could be packing his bags tonight.

6. The Prodigal Son Returns: JRich comes home to roost with his new buddies tonight. The Bobcats are struggling coming in, but are still only a game and a half back of the Nets for "lambs to slaughter" spot #8. JRich didn't take kindly to his being shipped out of town, and it's kind of likely he might go off tonight. He'll be welcomed back with open arms, of course, but that probably won't do anything to lighten the bitterness. The Dubs are playing pretty mean as of late, though, and if they commit to shutting down the other three healthy Bobcats, they should be fine.

7. OMG LAKERS GET PAU GASOLZ, THEY WILL WINZ NEXT 8BAJILLION CHAMPIONSHIPS!: Calm down, people, you're disrupting my easy, breezy, beautiful Friday afternoon. Meanwhile, in the short term, Chris Bosh may score 82 tonight. Which would be beautiful. Seriously. Dinsoty and I have been trying to figure out who's going to start at C tonight for the Lakers. It'll be Turiaf. With Odom. This is going to get ugly, fast. Much like Memphis' roster now.

8. Welcome Home, Fatty: Zack Randolph also gets a homecoming tonight, as he returns with his triumphant weak-ass Knicks to Portland to take on a Blazers team that, you know, may not miss him all that much. Congratulations, Randolph, you've been Ewing factored. This will end like so many Knicks games. They'll fall behind early, rally back after a Blazers shooting slump to start the fourth, and then Roy will wake up and Travis Outlaw will send them packing on their way to the next beatdown.

9. And On Him Sat A Pale Rider, And His Name Was Walton, And Hell Followed With Him: Usually, as much as we hate the show, we try and catch NBA Shootaround. We like the reporting, and we'll watch pretty much anything NBA-related. Not tonight. Do you have any idea what Walton's going to do tonight after this trade? The superfluous exaltation of the Lakers will be unheard of. He's going to say they're the greatest team ever formed. He may make a blood sacrifice to them. Stephen A. is going to talk about how "THIS JUST PROVES HOW GOOD OF A PLAYER KOBE BRYANT REALLY IS. HE MANAGED TO SCARE THE GRIZZLIES INTO GIVING THEM GASOL FOR NOTHING! NOTHING! KOBE BRYANT IS THE GREATEST PLAYER, NO, PERSON, NO, GOD, TO EVER WALK THE FACE OF THE EARTH! AND WITH PAU GASOL, KOBE BRYANT SHOULD WIN EVERY GAME, EVER! PERIOD!" Let's just put it this way. My wife rented "The Notebook" on Netflix. I'm opting for "The Notebook" over this show.

10. Trillion Watch: Jason Collins, in what could be his last game as a Net. DJ Mbenga. Julian Wright. Taurean Green.

11. Perhaps Texting Would Be Safer (Via The Corndogg):
Dizzle: Yo, JRich, nice to have you back. Look around. Smells like team spirit here. Jessica and Cash are over there and I just got back from Sundance. How you liking Charlotte?
JRich: It so low key, peaceful, laid back, subdued, chill, relaxing, lonely, staid, soul sucking, boring. I can't stop crying, Dizz.
SJax: Yo, JRich, wanna go play with some firearms and Alize after this. Just like old times.
JRich: No, I think I will just go hang out at Starbuck's and get up early for some golf tomorrow.
Dizzle and SJax: You are dead to us. *click-clack*

12. Them Roses Really Smell Like Poo Poo Poo (Via The Corndogg): Should be enough manure around to fertilize every flower bed in Portland. Knicks in town tonight. Roy is an All Star and Z-Bo is hating life. Isiah thinks he should be coaching the All Star game. Somewhere, Truehoop hugs himself and smiles.

13. If I Ruled The World (Via The Corndogg): Congrats to HP fav, David West, for making the West All Stars. Totally deserving. Not so deserving? Shareef Abdur Rahim. Guess you got one thing right, NBA. For further proof, watch West go all mid-range on the Kings big guys tonight. Maybe I should have titled this post "Killing Them Softly."

14. You Moment of Zen (Via The Corndogg): If the Clippers and the T-Wolves play a game in Target Arena, do fans show up? I guess we will never know. (Ed. note - When you go to google and type in "moment of zen" and click on images, the above picture is the first one that shows up. I suppose I don't understand Buddhism either.- Corndogg)

15. A Barrel Full Of Man-Tans (Via The Corndogg): Tonight's halftime entertainment between Jersey and Miami... Express Male Tanning Competition!! Jersey Shore vs. South Beach. Somehow, this is the only part of the evening where the paying fans can be considered winners.

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