Thursday, January 31, 2008

Trying To Trade Crazy Pills

So Fanhouse brings us word that they're trying to move Crazy Pills.

We got to thinking how that conversation has to go...

Geoff Petrie: Okay, I've got to do something about this lunatic before he kills Kevin Martin and everyone he's ever loved, or does a naked interpretive dance during the game or something. Let's see...

*Geoff opens his address book, picks a number, and dials.

Billy Knight: Hello?
Petrie: Billy! How's it going? Geoff Petrie, how are you?
Billy Knight: I like coco-puffs.
Petrie: That's great, Billy. Listen, we've got this shiny defensive all-star ready to move and we wanted to check in and see what you were offering.
Knight: My seventeen owners say I can't do any more trades.
Petrie: Why not, Bill?
Knight: They said that I couldn't make any more trades that would "set back the franchise by decades" and that before I did anything I needed to "get an MRI" or something for my head.
Petrie: Okay, Bill I was just calling.

*Next number...

Kupchak: This is Mitch.
Petrie: Mitch, hi! Geoff Petrie.
Kupchak: Geoff, how are you?
Petrie: I'm good. I was just calling because I have...
Kupchak: Can you hold on a second? I'm having three young ladies suck banana flavored yogurt from my toes.
Petrie: Uh...sure.
Kupchack:.... Ah, so good. Anyway, what can I do you for?
Petrie: Well, I'm willing to offer Artest...
Kupchack: Woah, woah baby! You think I'm putting Artest on this team? I have Luke Walton.
Petrie: But Walton sucks this yea...
Kupchack: No! He does not! He's a vital part of this team! We're not trading Kobe Bryant!
Petrie: I didn't ask for Kobe Bryant, we were talking about...
Kupchak: Listen, baby, I gotta go. Call me in the offseason and we'll talk about a deal for that Kevin Martine or whatever.
Petrie: It's Kevin Martin and we're not trading...

Petrie: This sucks. Okay. Surely this will work.

*Dials number.

Isiah: Help!
Petrie: Isiah?
Isiah: Geoff? Is that you?
Petrie: Yeah, it's me, Isiah. Do you need me to call 911, are you hurt?
Isiah: The fans! They've stormed the defenses! Our weapons are useless against them! I've tried leaving out a bunch of Marbury's shoes, but they won't put them on!
Petrie: Do you need help?
Isiah: No, no one can help me now. The goal is still there. The goal is a championship. Why were you calling?
Petrie: Well, I was going to trade Ron Artest and wanted to know if...
Isiah: I'll give you Randolph, Marbury, David Lee, and a second-round pick, along with my hummer.
Petrie: I thought you drove a Porsche?
Isiah: Not that hummer.
Petrie:... Um... anyway, that trade wouldn't work under the cap restrictions.
Isiah: What's a cap? Oh, man, they're storming the concessions area. I gotta go, Geoff!

Petrie: Oh, man! I'm never gonna get rid of this psycho.

Joe Dumars: This is Dumars. Speak.
Petrie: Hi, Joe, it's Geoff Petrie, how are you?
Dumars: You may dispense with the pleasantries, Geoffrie. What do you have to offer?
Petrie: Well, I know you guys like defense, and we're ready to move Artes...
Dumars: Mwahahhahahhahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahah.
Petrie: I'll take that as a no.
Dumars: Mwahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Petrie: A simple, "I don't think we're in a position to trade" would have worked.
Dumars: Mwahahahahaahahaahahahahaahahahaaha!
Petrie: Fine!

Petrie: Jackass. Okay. Last call.

George Karl: Hello?
Petrie: George? Hi. Geoff Petrie. How are ya?
George: I'm good, Geoff. How are you?
Petrie: I'm good. Listen, we're listening to offers for Artest.
George: I'll give you Nene, JR Smith, and my son.
Petrie: I thought Coby was with LA in the D-League?
George: I didn't mean as a player.
Petrie: That desparate?
George: I'm freaked out by Nene now.
Petrie: George, it's a really difficult thing he went through. You need to support him while he recovers.
George: Not that, man. Since he got back from the hospital he keeps wearing his hospital gown to practice. It's freaking me out.
Petrie: Aren't you worried about putting someone like Artest on the same team as someone like Kenyon?
George: Truth be told, I'm hoping they'll kill each other like in that Ray Liotta movie.
Petrie: Any other offers?
George: You can take the Linas guy and Eddy.
Petrie: Wow, are you sure? Linas has been huge for you guys lately.
George: Yeah, I know, but I can't pronounce his name.
Petrie: Umm...okay...we'll get back to you.
George: You better, if you know what I mean.

Petrie: Sigh, what am I going to do?

*Artest breaks open the door, half naked, covered in war paint and holding a kitana.

Petrie: Ron!
Arest: Snarl!

Petrie: Crap, he's gotten into the ether again!

To Be Continued...

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