So Fanhouse brings us word that they're trying to move Crazy Pills.
We got to thinking how that conversation has to go...
Geoff Petrie: Okay, I've got to do something about this lunatic before he kills Kevin Martin and everyone he's ever loved, or does a naked interpretive dance during the game or something. Let's see...
*Geoff opens his address book, picks a number, and dials.
Billy Knight: Hello?
Petrie: Billy! How's it going? Geoff Petrie, how are you?
Billy Knight: I like coco-puffs.
Petrie: That's great, Billy. Listen, we've got this shiny defensive all-star ready to move and we wanted to check in and see what you were offering.
Knight: My seventeen owners say I can't do any more trades.
Petrie: Why not, Bill?
Knight: They said that I couldn't make any more trades that would "set back the franchise by decades" and that before I did anything I needed to "get an MRI" or something for my head.
Petrie: Okay, Bill I was just calling.
*Click
*Next number...
Kupchak: This is Mitch.
Petrie: Mitch, hi! Geoff Petrie.
Kupchak: Geoff, how are you?
Petrie: I'm good. I was just calling because I have...
Kupchak: Can you hold on a second? I'm having three young ladies suck banana flavored yogurt from my toes.
Petrie: Uh...sure.
Kupchack:.... Ah, so good. Anyway, what can I do you for?
Petrie: Well, I'm willing to offer Artest...
Kupchack: Woah, woah baby! You think I'm putting Artest on this team? I have Luke Walton.
Petrie: But Walton sucks this yea...
Kupchack: No! He does not! He's a vital part of this team! We're not trading Kobe Bryant!
Petrie: I didn't ask for Kobe Bryant, we were talking about...
Kupchak: Listen, baby, I gotta go. Call me in the offseason and we'll talk about a deal for that Kevin Martine or whatever.
Petrie: It's Kevin Martin and we're not trading...
*Click.
Petrie: This sucks. Okay. Surely this will work.
*Dials number.
Isiah: Help!
Petrie: Isiah?
Isiah: Geoff? Is that you?
Petrie: Yeah, it's me, Isiah. Do you need me to call 911, are you hurt?
Isiah: The fans! They've stormed the defenses! Our weapons are useless against them! I've tried leaving out a bunch of Marbury's shoes, but they won't put them on!
Petrie: Do you need help?
Isiah: No, no one can help me now. The goal is still there. The goal is a championship. Why were you calling?
Petrie: Well, I was going to trade Ron Artest and wanted to know if...
Isiah: I'll give you Randolph, Marbury, David Lee, and a second-round pick, along with my hummer.
Petrie: I thought you drove a Porsche?
Isiah: Not that hummer.
Petrie:... Um... anyway, that trade wouldn't work under the cap restrictions.
Isiah: What's a cap? Oh, man, they're storming the concessions area. I gotta go, Geoff!
*Click
Petrie: Oh, man! I'm never gonna get rid of this psycho.
Joe Dumars: This is Dumars. Speak.
Petrie: Hi, Joe, it's Geoff Petrie, how are you?
Dumars: You may dispense with the pleasantries, Geoffrie. What do you have to offer?
Petrie: Well, I know you guys like defense, and we're ready to move Artes...
Dumars: Mwahahhahahhahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahah.
Petrie: I'll take that as a no.
Dumars: Mwahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Petrie: A simple, "I don't think we're in a position to trade" would have worked.
Dumars: Mwahahahahaahahaahahahahaahahahaaha!
Petrie: Fine!
*Click
Petrie: Jackass. Okay. Last call.
George Karl: Hello?
Petrie: George? Hi. Geoff Petrie. How are ya?
George: I'm good, Geoff. How are you?
Petrie: I'm good. Listen, we're listening to offers for Artest.
George: I'll give you Nene, JR Smith, and my son.
Petrie: I thought Coby was with LA in the D-League?
George: I didn't mean as a player.
Petrie: That desparate?
George: I'm freaked out by Nene now.
Petrie: George, it's a really difficult thing he went through. You need to support him while he recovers.
George: Not that, man. Since he got back from the hospital he keeps wearing his hospital gown to practice. It's freaking me out.
Petrie: Aren't you worried about putting someone like Artest on the same team as someone like Kenyon?
George: Truth be told, I'm hoping they'll kill each other like in that Ray Liotta movie.
Petrie: Any other offers?
George: You can take the Linas guy and Eddy.
Petrie: Wow, are you sure? Linas has been huge for you guys lately.
George: Yeah, I know, but I can't pronounce his name.
Petrie: Umm...okay...we'll get back to you.
George: You better, if you know what I mean.
*Click.
Petrie: Sigh, what am I going to do?
*Artest breaks open the door, half naked, covered in war paint and holding a kitana.
Petrie: Ron!
Arest: Snarl!
Petrie: Crap, he's gotten into the ether again!
To Be Continued...
