Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Saviors of the Night (AKA, The Only 15 Reasons To Watch The Puke Fest Tonight In The NBA)

The Book of Stern: Book 4, verses 35-36:
"Because Stern so hated his audience, he gave his only begotten aborted fetus of a schedule, including Spurs/Heat and Buck/Pacers, sent them to die in ratings hell, so that whosoever watcheth them be instantly recognized as a true NBA fan and be saved from the hedonistic enjoyment of the Suns, Hornets, Celtics and Magic. That, by following his word, Stern will maketh you a more commercially regulated asset and a follower of the major market superstar, regardless of his team's ability to compete, win or even care."

Or, to put it clearer, you are a sinner and a traitor to the league if you do not find tonight's matchup entertaining enough. Not only will you go to Hell, but you will have to vote for Guiliani too. So, as a supreme act of defiance and disregard for this blasphemous, ridiculous and overtly arrogant programming, we at HP have swooped down from hardwood heaven to actually present you 15 angels, each of whom, in their own unique way, can save you from televised damnation. We present the 15 Winged Warriors (or, the guys you should actually care about watching tonight).

1. Archangel Boom Dizzle:
He cometh down from the Golden Gate bridge, wearing a winged fedora and loving independent film. He bringeth excitement and pizzazz (it's an angel thing). He will also score 30 on Jason Kidd.
2. Seraph Stephen Jackson:
The protector. The nurturer. The spiritual center. Also, the one bad ass mamma-jamma that will shut down VC and stripeth him of the rock repeatedly.

3.Cherubim Monta Ellis:
Mr. Excitement. The celestial being with the heavenly touch. A swftness of foot unparalleled by anyone on Jersey. He shall stripeth VC of the rock repeatedly, too.

4. Dominion Al Harrington
Thou seest no front line that can contain Big Al. No Bostjan, No Sean, No Boone!! Al taketh the passes and dunketh them. Then he opens his celestial vocal chords and emits a most pleasant noise.
5. Angel Adris Biedrins
The rectifier of other's misfortunes (i.e. rebounding machine). Most effective when directly in contact with his heavenly objective (#2 in field goal percentage). A preening angel, whose hair appears singed by the sun and combed by the wind.

6. Power Matt Barnes:
He loveth to defend. He hustleth. His mowhawk is glorious. he inspireth the Oracle (no blasphemy intended) with his braun and his tenacity. When he come to calleth you, beware of answering!!

7. Principality Keleena Azubuike:
Because it soundeth so perfectly. And because he hiteth the deepest of 3s.

8. Virtue Brandan Wright:
Because his body hath not caught up to his skill level. But Pastor Nellie cannot deny his formidable talents. When he taketh flight, his wings are magnificent (and capable of the sickest of slams and swats).

9. Throne Patrick O'Bryant:
Because watching grass grow is better than watching the Spurs/Heat. Because watching poor Patrick slowly rot and have his skills deteriorate as he pines away on the, well, pine, you recognize that he is just like you. The casual observer. And that should bring you great peace.

10. Virtue Austin Croshere:
He may actually playeth in this game. Even the creator (James Naismith) loveth a blowout and watching the whitest and gangliest of angels make great bounce passes.

11. Power Marco Bellineli:
His title, though oxymoronic as it might be, is still more worthy than a night of Jason Kidd not caring. His power is to mentally and vocally support his team. Because the Lord does realize that patience is a blessing.

12. Dominion Troy Hudson:
He haveth a Wikipedia page. So, perhaps his name should be Domain Troy Hudson. And even at 6'1", he can still stuff a stat sheet better than Jason Collins.

13. Seraphim Kosta Perovic:
God does not reveal all of his great mysteries. Such as why Perovic is being paid for playing professional basketball. Yet, he overcometh. And can still stuff a stat sheet better than Jason Collins.

14. Cherubim C.J. Watson:
On January 19, he played 30 minutes and had 13 points. God blesseth those who ride shotgun with Stephen Jackson by putting Milwaukee on their schedule and giving them face time. He is a benevolent God.

And lastly...

15. Archangel Mikael Pietrus:
He needeth to be traded. But unlike the unholy miscreants of Jersey, it may actually happen. Because despite his being the doghouse of Pastor Nellie, he can contribute to a winning team. No destroy their angelic chemistry, the way Serpent Carter can.

Thus, despite the fire and brimstone hurled at us loyal, devoted NBA fans tonight, we have found our saviors in the land of the Oracle. We blesseth their presence, even though it means we have to to vieweth Jersey self-destructing whilst it happens. We pray that no more programming heresy be bestowed upon you and your virtuous fanhood. In the name of the Mullin, the Bay and the Holy Alba. Amen.

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