Monday, January 14, 2008

Powerless Rankings: Western Conference 1.14.08

You've all heard of power rankings. Well, Basketbawful and HP want none of that. We're teaming together to rank how useless, how tragic, how ineffective, how pathetic, teams are. In short, we're making our own Powerless rankings. This week HP's got the Western Conference and Basketbawful's got the East. And remember, being good is sooo '97.

Minnesota- Randy Foye is cleared to start strenuous workouts. So that should help boost them above the Heat. Which is truly just in this world.

Basketbawful Said: Has anyone actually heard from Kevin McHale lately? Can we be absolutely certain he's not in a witness protection program?

2. Seattle- We, for one, are shocked, SHOCKED, we tell you, that Damien Wilkins hasn't had more 40-point games.

Basketbawuful Said: Despite Greg Oden's season-ending-before-the

-season-even-started injury, the Blazers are really, really glad they didn't pick Durant.

3. Clippers- It's hard to rag on them, given their injuries, but Tim Thomas occasionally has bouts where he may or may not have epilepsy, and they're relying on a caveman. So that's game.

Basketbawful Said: Clippers: What's more ugly? The quality of the Clippers' play or Chris Kaman's face?

4. Memphis- The Grizzlies are one of our pet teams, but wins are wins and losses are losses. And Stromile Swift is Stromile Swift. These guys just can't catch a break.

Basketbawful Said: Memphis: So bad, Elvis just died again.

5. Sacramento- When the Knicks think they can rip you off? You've got problems. Of course, they can't, but still.

Basketbawful Said: The only way this team is going to make SportsCenter is if Brad Miller punches somebody.

6. Houston- This team could end up top 5 in the rankings, or top 5 in the West. It's more exciting, really. Isn't that special?

Basketbawful Said: T-Mac's unhappy, and Yao recently seemed to indicate the team is playing better without him. Sooooo happy togetheeeeer....

7. Utah- We're trying to figure out what exactly the problem is with the Jazz. Based on scoring differential, they're 5th best in the West. But you know, with a little less bench production, they can still move up in these rankings.

Basketbawful Said: Maybe it's just me, but I'm expecting the new "kinder and gentler" Jerry Sloan to go absolutely apeshit any day now. The headline: "Jazz star Andre Kirilenko skinned alive, eaten by coach."

8. Denver- The Denver Nuggets are the Kangaroo Jack of the NBA. There's absolutely no reason for them to win the majority of their games, yet there they are, selling $200 million worldwide and that's not even including DVD sales.

Basketbawful Said: They have a pretty decent record, but are any of the top Western Conference teams scared of these guys? Yeah, didn't think so.

9. Golden State- These guys really should have two rankings. One in the bottom 5 when they're actually trying and one in the top 5 when they're mailing it in. Best part? You never know which one will show!

Basketbawful Said: It's becoming pretty clear that Don Nelson doesn't give a crap about his team's record as long as they make the playoffs, because they can beat (and lose to) anybody.

10. Portland- Yeah, well, just wait till next year!... Wait.

Basketbawful Said: Who knew Joel Pryzbilla could be such an integral compent of a winning environment?

11. New Orleans- These guys should tour at SXSW. Why? Best thing no one's seen.

Basketbawful Said: This team has been a very pleasant surprise, but I'm expecting a letdown around the last week of January, first week of February. Mardi Gras.

12. San Antonio- Recently, these guys have really made some moves to move up the rankings. Losing to inferior teams, playing uninspired basketball, not trying at all. It probably won't last, but man, for right now, enjoy the suck.

Basketbawful Said: As long as Tim Duncan still has most of his limbs, this team is dangerous. That said, their roster is starting to look like the cast of "Grumpy Old Men 3."

13. Dallas- What? Oh, no, these guys aren't no.1 in the Powerless Rankings until the playoffs.

Basketbawful Said: Dirk Nowitzki says, "I'ch glaube das wir haben einen poopengeschauflicht."

14. Phoenix- Phoenix would prefer we keep talking about how they're going to fall apart right through the Western Conference Finals.

Basketbawful Said: If they could defend the paint, put their egos aside, and play like a team when Steve Nash isn't on the court, they could be the best team in the West.

15. Lakers- Wow. That was hard to type through the involuntary spontaneous vomiting.

Basketbawful Said: Okay, Kobe. Where's your signed letter of apology to your team?

Click Here for Basketbawful's ranking of the Eastern Conference.

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