Monday, January 21, 2008

Powerless Rankings: Eastern Conference 1.21.08

It's that time again! Here are this week's Powerless Rankings. For the West, go check out Basketbawful.

1. Miami-
Let's put it this way. If you held a gun to my head, strapped me to a chair, and said I had two options, to 1. watch every Miami Heat game from this season, or 2. listen to "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" 2000 times on repeat? Well, just call me a Drowning Pool fan.

Basketbawful says: 1. Miami: This team is so phenomenally bad, Will Smith has been embarrassed into changing the name of his "Miami" song to "Des Moines."

2. Chicago- They've shown signs of life, but still, anytime a team benches its own first round rookie via a players' meeting led by two lifeless malcontents and then go out and lose by 30? That's some damn fine sucking.

Basketbawful Says: Chicago: My buddy statbuster recently said, "You know, Kirk Hinrich (when he was actually playing) has transformed into Marco Jaric." And he wasn't wrong. I just can't take this team seriously anymore.

3. New York- A win streak! Look out! Here come the Knicks! Oh wait, they've got Boston, Philadelphia, Golden State, Lakers coming up. Why am I not absolutely horrified of a New York resurgence? Go Giants!

Basketbawful: Through some manner of darkest sorcery, the Knicks actually managed to win four of their last five games. But before Isiah smugly announces "I told y'all so," he should take a close look at the Knicks upcoming schedule, which includes games against the Celtics, Warriors, Lakers, and Jazz.

4. Philadelphia- The Sixers are "optimistic" about the second half of the season. In other news, Sean William Scott is optimistic about his next movie, Hoobastank is optimistic about their next album, and McG is optimistic about his next film.

Basketbawful Says: I recently heard a rumor about the Sixers. They suck. Pass it on.

5. Indiana- O'Neal's on the shelf. Not that he's been tremendous this season, or anything, but every little bit hurts. Still, we're keeping an eye on these guys. A typical Hawks collapse and Charlotte and Milwaukee realizing how bad they are could get these guys into the playoffs and out of our top 5.

Basketbawful Says: Mike Dunleavy Jr. leads the team in scoring, field goal percentage, freethrow percentage, three-point percentage, and steals. And he's second on the team in assists. You could easily make the argument that he's the best player on this team. Mike Dunleavy Jr. is the best player on the Pacers!!

6. Charlotte- The Bobcats are starting to put it together. Eli Manning is in a Super Bowl. The Red Sox are perennial champions. What the f*ck is going on?

Basketbawful Says: Charlotte: On the one hand, this team has won three of four and they played the Pistons tough last week. On the other hand, these are the Bobcats, and their next two games are against the Spurs and Maverics. So, you know, go ahead and adjust their record and give them the two losses.

7. Milwaukee- They've had a hard schedule of late, but have still stayed at .500 in their last 10. They're 11-12 in conference, and have a great home record. They just need to somehow figure out a rotation, get a bench, and have Yi not look like he needs naptime. None of these things are happening this season.

Basketbawful Says: The team has been playing .500 ball so far this month! Reality check: The only teams they've beaten are Miami (twice), Philadelphi, Charlotte, and Atlanta. Not exactly a murderer's row.

8. New Jersey- Let me put it this way. Don't be surprised if you go on Craigslist New Jersey, look at the "For Sale" section, and find "Aging Dynamic Small Guard. Plays like new! Some clutch issues. Slight smell of douchebag."

Basketbawful Says: I think the Nets' team doctor needs to take a long, hard look at Vince Carter. Is he breathing? Does he have a pulse? The way he's sleepwalking through the season, I'm starting to think he died but Jason Kidd and Richard Jefferson keep propping him up and moving him around, ala Weekend at Bernies."

9. Atlanta- I love how Atlanta keeps reeling off win streaks, and then bottoming out again. It's comforting. Like your mom's cooking, or global warming. You know it's always going to be there.

Basketbawful Says: This team must have been suffering from a case of temporary amnesia, because they were actually a few games over .500 for a while. Then they remembered that they were the Atlanta Hawks and promptly lost seven of their next 10 games.

10. Toronto- At this point, shouldn't they just change their name to the Toronto fodder and be done with it? Bosh is having a nice season though, and actually earning an All-Star trip.

Basketbawful Says: I read somewhere the Raptors might sign some dude named Roko-Leni Ukic. Wasn't that the final boss in Ninja Gaiden IV?

11. Orlando- Must...not...collapse...too...much...talent...

Basketbawful Says: Isn't it weird how the Magic have one of the best records in the league, but as of Saturday they were only 8-8 at home. Is there something about the city of Orlando we don't know?

12. Cleveland- Sigh. Even we have to admit the Cavs are playing well. That game against the Spurs they actually looked like a cohesive unit. Of course, we'd love to see them do that when the Spurs weren't down-shifting like a big rig going down a very steep hill, but hey! LeBron's LeBron.

Basketbawful Says: Lebron James is singlehandedly dragging the Cavs down in our ranking. But here's the real question: What exactly is he doing with his other hand?

13. Detroit- "What? We're the best team, according to the rankings? This is unacceptable! We can't be extremely anything! Quick! Lose to a bunch of teams we could beat with our eyes closed! That a way!"

Basketbawful Says: The Pistons' starting five work together so well I half expected them to form a Voltron and fight off the Cloverfield monster. Still, losses to the Knicks, Kings, and Bulls have this team rising in our ratings.

14. Washington- We're not saying they're going to be contenders in the playoffs. But if, if you said we had to pick a dark horse that wasn't a division leader? Caron's got this team primed and ready to friggin' go. It's a Tuff Juice world. We're all just living in it.

Basketbawful Says: I'd been wondering whether Gilbert Arenas was secretly pissed his team was playing so well without him. Well, this week's "If my team decides that they don't want me here, then wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!" comments comfirmed it. When did Agent Zero morph into Rod Tidwell?

15. Boston- Oh, yeah. They have KG, Pierce, and Allen. They'e the best team in the league. Ah, I like it when the world rights itself. Except I don't. Because I'm friggin' sick of Boston sports.

Basketbawful Says: How did Boston recover from their first two-game losing streak of the season? Word has it that Danny Ainge gave each player on the team a single hair from Larry Bird's 80s mustache, which was painstakingly preserved in 1987 by Celtics trainer Ray Melchiorre. Ainge declined comment when asked about the fate of the mustache's remaining three hairs.

Thanks again to Basketbawful.

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