Monday, January 28, 2008

Powerless Rankings 1.28.08

You've all heard of power rankings. Well, Basketbawful and HP want none of that. We're teaming together to rank how useless, how tragic, how ineffective, how pathetic, teams are. In short, we're making our own Powerless rankings. This week HP's got the Western Conference and Basketbawful's got the East. And remember, being good is sooo '97.

1. Seattle Supersonics: See, rebuilding seasons are supposed to have bright spots. Some success. Right now, Seattle looks like it's being rebuilt by Ray Charles and Al Davis.

Basketbawful remarks: It's starting to look like the Timberwolves are going to overtake them. Think about that.

2. LA Clippers: "Clippers 08: Spectacularly Unspectacular!" No, you think? Not a good sell?

Basketbawful remarks: Chris Kaman is the only player on this team worth watching, and he's so ugly that he's completely unwatchable. So do yourself a favor and never watch this team.

3. Minnesota Timberwolves: It. Is. Alive.

Basketbawful remarks: This week featured back-to-back wins over the Warriors and Suns, and a near miss against the Celtics. Who are they, and what have they done with the real Timberwolves?!

4. Memphis Grizzlies: Yep. Any day now. They're going to turn it around. Yup. Sleeping right here. Uh-huh. You just wait. While we were typing that, the Grizzlies just lost again. Damn it.

Basketbawful remarks: Take a really bad team and subtract two of their best players due to untimely injuries and what do you have? The Memphis Grizzlies.

5. Sacramento Kings: They celebrated a last second victory over the Sonics. Perhaps the "the Kings are back!" party should be postponed for a week or year or decade. Also, Artest is nuts. Thanks.

Basketbawful remarks: Hey, their best three players are back! Hey, they've lost their last two games by a combined 40 points!

6. Houston Rockets: After watching some recent Rockets game and seeing TMac give up layup after layup in pursuit of assists, I've decided "late career wussiness on the fast-break" is a genetic disorder that can affect cousins. Oh, and the clock on their chances at the playoffs are dying a slow, painful, Hollinger-cursed death.

Basketbawful remarks: The bad news? They're currently 10th in the West. The good news? They've won four in a row and are only 7 games out of 1st.

7. Portland Trailblazers: At this point Brandon Roy has tied the wheels on the Blazer Bandwagon together and is holding them with his teeth to keep them from falling apart.

Basketbawful remarks: Five losses in their last eight games. Two straight double-digit losses. I'm just sayin'.

8. Utah Jazz: Half-game out of the 8 spot. When they yawn as they awaken from their slumber, the middle West trembles.

Basketbawful remarks: Man, they look great when they're playing the Clippers. If the Clippers ever become a giant monster eating New York, I'm calling the Jazz.

9. Golden State Warriors: Everyone keeps talking about how great of a story they are and how they're one of the top teams. But then you look and they're only a half step ahead of the Jazz. Their margin of error is negligible. Which is good because they're known for being such an emotionally well-balanced group.

Basketbawful remarks: They would do anything for love, but they won't do "that." And by "that," I mean "play defense."

10. Denver Nuggets: Did you know that in San Antonio, the word "nugget" means "playoff fodder?" It's a funny regional dialect that extends to Dallas, New Orleans, Phoenix and Los Angeles. The more you know.

Basketbawful remarks: They've won four of five. But three of those wins were against Minnesota, Atlanta, and New Jersey. Proving, if nothing else, that the Nuggets are at their best against the league's worst.

11. Los Angeles Lakers: After the Sonics win, everyone thought the Lakers would be fine without Bynum. It's such a sad situation, I'd just like to say... BWAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA, that's what you get when your team is built around a shooting robot! (Ed.Note: My high school nickname was "Classy", why do you ask?)

Basketbawful remarks: After a brief stint at the top of the NBA, the Lakers have been hobbled with injuries. So I guess the goat's blood and voodoo dolls worked.

12. San Antonio Spurs: The Spurs are like the killer in a horror movie. We don't believe they're dead till the credits roll. We're currently at that part where they've stabbed the killer, set him on fire, and hit him with a truck. Most alarming is that in this scenario, Phoenix is Nev Campbell.

Basketbawful remarks: Wins over the Bobcats, Heat, and a depleted Lakers team didn't fool me, and they didn't fool the Hornets, either. How much longer do you think the "Hey, it's only midseason, we're just laying low" excuse is going to hold up? Don't get me wrong. They're still good. But you might want to hold off on ordering those 2007-08 Championship t-shirts.

13. Dallas Mavericks: Somehow I doubt that they're upset that they're not getting any press this year. Steve Bartman feels the same way when he goes to a soccer game.

Basketbawful remarks: Dirk says: "Wir haben das League bei dem ganzen Balls!"

14. Phoenix Suns: I figured it out! The Suns keep dropping ridiculous losses just to mess with the betting lines to make sure they don't get Donaghy'd again! Of course!

Basketbawful remarks: Two losses to the Timberwolves this season? Two?!

15. New Orleans Hornets: Hi, New Orleans. I know we don't know each other very well, and, well, I know you're coming off of a few hard relationships. But I really think there's something real here. We were wondering if we could... you know... root for you, sometime. (Ed. Note: Cue the 5 game losing streak.)

Basketbawful remarks: If you don't think Chris Paul is the league's leading MVP candidate right now, then you hate basketball.

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