Wednesday, January 9, 2008

15 Footer 1.9.08

15 Reasons To Watch The Games In The NBA Tonight:

1. One For Each Other And All For One, The Three Brave Amigos Are We: Tonight the brave amigos are defending liberty and the crappy new Garden from the infamous Crash Wallace and the Bobcats ("He's more than famous. He's... IN Famous."). The Bobcats are... well, they suck. But they beat the Nets last night, and we love to watch them play, creepy halftime show or not. Either way, this should be a pretty easy roundup for these guys...

2. Would You Say I Have A Plethora Of Pinatas, Chauncey?: If Boston is the Three Amigos, that means Sheed is El Guapo and the Pistons his band of mercenaries. They're in Dallas tonight, taking on a Dallas team that must be wondering when in the hell the REST of the West got so good. Seriously. They were prepared for San Antonio and Phoenix, but LA? Portland? The Hornets, who are in their own division? It's a showdown in Big D tonight, and the loser ends up in that metal thing Steve Martin gets put in. Okay, we're done with Three Amigos references. For today. Maybe.

3. This Is Your Brain. This Is Your Brain On Vince Carter Douchebaggery:
Seattle is in New Jersey, tonight. If I were PJ, I'd make sure to put Nick Collison between Vince Carter and Durant at all times. He might infect him with "Oftendynamicbutultimatelyawimpincrucialsituationsthatcannevermake-

And that would be a shame. Remember, a shooting guard is a terrible thing to waste.

4. Mike Dunleavey Jr. Is Good For What Ails You: Indiana's starting to remember that they are, in a word, bad. And not going to get any better, because Bird's not doing anything drastic. Well they better play drastic. They've got a Phoenix team tonight who's at home, coming off a huge scoring night, is under fire from everybody from the media to their GM to us, and is still gunning for the #1 seed. That said, this is the prototypical setup for a horrible shooting night where the Suns look lifeless and fall to Danny Granger. Guys need to get Red Bull as a sponsor or something.

5. The War Of West-ern Aggression: I'll admit it. When I got David West on my fantasy team this year, I said "Who?". Now I feel like a dumbass. Leading off this great list from Empty The Bench on Underrated Players is just one of the awesome things West has done this season, along with help Paul pull this team to within 1 game of the Conference lead. Think about that. If the Suns lose to the Pacers, and the Hornets and Dallas win? All Hell's going to break lose. And guess what? The Lakers are only 1.5 back of the Conference lead. This game is huge, and between two legitimate powers in the West. We're so glad it's on national TV so we can pull in new fans and... what? Aw, you're killin' me! Don't get us wrong, we're pumped about the Cowboys versus El Guapo, but still. This game should be seen by everyone. Chris Paul needs to be on TV approximately 19.5X more than he is. Maybe then, someone in New Orleans would notice this team is actually good.

6. Never Has A January Game Against A 14-21 Squad Meant So Much To So Many Canadians: So Dinosty is still taking the LeBronation of the Raptors faces Jenna-Jamison-style pretty hard. He's calling tonight's Raps-Sixers tussle a "must-win." You know that "Easy Button" commercial for Office Depot? We want one of those for "Don't Panic" to give to Raptors, Magic, and Utah fans. Losing tonight will only strengthen their resolve more, and remember, this is the East, where currently, the 8 seed is occupied by 15-16 Atlanta. Breathe, Canucks, breathe.

7. Nifty, Boom Dizzle, And The Battle Of The Northwest Fishing Community: Boom Dizzle, Captain Jack, and Co. are in Portland tonight to take on Big Nifty, ROY, and Jackmaster Jarrett. So on nicknames alone, this game wins. This is pretty big, though, since Portland's still neck and neck with Denver for the division, and Golden State is still clinging to the 8 seed. The Dubs need to get a win streak going to get some distance between them and the Jazz, because eventually, that team's going to wake up. And then the Rockets-Warriors-Jazz-Nuggets-Portland quiet riot begins. And no one likes Quiet Riot.

8. Just Imagine That Big Chinese Ass Streaking Down I-45!: Well, here it is Dream Shake. You're at the precipice of fulfilling the prophecy, and pulling yourselves within reach of the Warriors for the 8 seed. You just have to get past the suck machine that is the New York Knicks at home. Curry's been playing well, but you have Yao. And Steve Francis returns to New York. Our advice? Hogtie him and don't let him come out of the locker room, lest he jinx the band and they break up. Tonight is pretty much a classic setup for the Rockets to fall on their face. We hope they don't. One, because we want to see your fantastic gloating, and two, because we hate, hate, hate, hate Isiah for what he's done to the game of basketball. Good luck.

9. Clippers For Algernon: Okay, Magic. We've given you the benefit of the doubt and will continue to due to the weak ass division and conference you play in. But losing to the Kings? Unacceptable. I don't care how surprisingly good John Salmons is. Get it in gear. Tonight, you've got the Clippers. And if you can keep your own self-awareness at your proficient level of play from paralyzing you into mediocrity, you should be able to kill these guys. Kaman the Caveman's good, but Howard's better, and the rest of their team is a M*A*S*H* unit. So buckle up and take care of business, or we're going to start the admission to the hospital papers. And by hospital, we mean "first round exit."

10. The War Of Attrition Has Been Won; The Pistons Are Likable: We loved the Pistons when they knocked off the Lakers in 2004. But then they got predictable and boring and too slow and were a symbol of everything early 2000's about the Eastern Conference. We dreaded the Spurs-Pistons finals we were threatened with last year, thinking it would be inhumanely boring. Be careful what you wish for, for ye will surely get Anderson F'ing Varajao. This year, though, it's like it's all new again. Chauncey Billups is Mr. Big Shot again, we're amused by the mask, Rasheed is the lovable old uncle to us, and Jason Maxiell is a freak of nature. Combine this with the fact that Joe Dumars is a genius, and we just may end up rooting for the Pistons quite a bit come playoff time. Unless they face the Wizards. Because Tuff Juice is our guy. Or the Magic. Because we fear BBJ. Or the Raptors, because we don't want Dinosty to jump off a bridge. Or the Hawks, because that would just be funny. Okay, so we pretty much just like them more than the Cavs and Heat, but hey, it's something, isn't it?

11. There Is Just So Much Length And Athleticism On The Wings (Via The Corndogg): Cavs @ Hawks tonight. And judging by what Lebron has been doing in 200Great, I suspect an aerial assault tonight, sort of like a bunch of ninjas, playing basketball, but with mind control. Wasn't the bad guy in Matrix called Mr. Smith? If not, he should have been. Because Josh (Smith) takes care of that in real life. You shut down LBJ tonight Smith, and you get some serious rep for the All Star game. You are in the East, so the door is never closed.

12. So, You're Saying There's A Chance? (Via The Corndogg): The League's best buzzer beater game for the season gets rehashed tonight as Bobcats head to Boston. Except, with Ray Allen out, its gonna be up to TONY Allen to hit that big shot. And by "that big shot," I mean the one that puts Boston ahead 20 at the end of the first half.

13. I Belive You Can Fly (Via The Corndogg) : Earl Watson, Wally Sczerbiak, Delonte West, Damien Wilkins, Chris Wilcox. If these 5 guys can start for an NBA franchise, so can you. IF YOU BELIEVE IT. And they probably will start, depending on how bad Durant's ankle sprain is. They might want to rush the young'un back though, seeing as how they are in the hunt for a playoff berth. At least that is what PJ thinks. Then he got the strong arm from the management partner that cares and decided to build a team. Kind of. (Ed. Note: Corn wins the race to embed R. Kelly into the 15. Congrats, Corn.)

14. Baby, It's Cold Outside (And Inside As Well) (Via The Corndogg): It's below freezing tonight in Milwaukee. Which is appropriate. Good thing Miami is coming in to "Heat" it up. Get It? Nope? Good. At least there is Charlie Bell, who is finally thawing out. Get It? Nope? Good.

15. Battle Of The B*tches: Who has a worse shooting percentage tonight, Charlie Bell (32% on the season) or Jason Williams (38% on the season)?

16. Bonus! Corndogg Fantasy Pride: At the beginning of the season, I traded Bosh for Iggy straight up in my fantasy league. I had plenty of big guys (namely Dwight Howard) and I wanted an all around guy who would get me points in the intangible categories. Iggy, after a slot start, has not disappointed. Now Stefanski is pumping some blood into this team. As I said previously, "You are in the East, so the door is never closed."

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