Monday, January 7, 2008

15 Footer 1.7.08

15 Reasons To Watch The Games In The NBA Tonight:

1. The Team That Hates Itself Versus The Team That Should Hate Itself: So, top of their division, a half game back of the 1 Seed, three all-stars, this isn't enough for you? The Suns are having serious chemistry issues, with Amare going AWOL, Nash taking his usual laid back attitude towards it, and the ever pressing "Are we ever going to rebound?" question hanging. Meanwhile the Nuggets are coached by George Karl, who everyone hates, but they're starting to figure out this basketball thing. They're 7-3, and hanging on to a half game lead over the Blazers (the new UNSTOPPABLE, BABY!). And we haven't heard KMart threaten trade at all this season. The whole world's gone mad.

2. "Every time Catherine Would Turn On The Microwave, I'd Piss My Pants And Forget Who I Was For About Half An Hour.": There's no doubt that in the NBA Universe, the Golden State Warriors are Uncle Eddie from National Lampoon's Christmas/Vegas/Original Vacation. They're the guys that show up with the rabid dog, the cross-eyed daughter, and dump their sewage into your drain system. Tonight they dump their sewage into the Riverwalk, which wouldn't be much of a difference according to Mark Cuban, (Ed. Note: We hate the Spurs, but we love the Riverwalk). Then, most likely, the Spurs will take a dump on their head.

3. Step 1: Jump. Step 2: Grab Ball. Step 3: Hold On To ball. Step 4: Deliver To Guard. : These are instructions for defensive rebounding. We humbly request that someone deliver these instructions to the Golden State Warriors before tonight's game. Because judging from their offensive-rebounds-allowed statistics, San Antonio is very good at it, and Golden State is very, very, very bad. That could be key tonight. Warriors fans will tell you that it's all a part of Nellie ball and the offensive system, but that's crap. It's 2 parts not having a capable big man and 1 part effort defensively. That's going to cost them in the playoffs if they can make it to the gauntlet, just as it did last year.

4. It Sounds Like An Effing Boxing Match: Biedrins Vs. Oberto, Barnes vs. Elson. Seriously, throw Don King in here and we're set. Wait, if you flip Baron's beard to the top, it's like a fro...hmmmm.....

5. So C'mon And Let Me Know, Should I Stay Or Should I Go: There was some friction early in the year between new GM Steve Kerr and Coach d'Antoini, but apparently it was resolved, with D's "stay the course" resolve winning out. With the Amare no-show, the continuing Matrix debacle, and the utter black hole that is the bench, that's not looking so hot now. Of course, D will probably say that we need to chill out, have a mojito, and not worry, because they're still tops in the division and everything's smooth as banana butter lotion. But there's still all this restlessness in the club. It's like it's 1996, and they're angsty just to be angsty. They're Popular.

6. You're Nobody Till Somebody Hates You: We can manufacture rivalries, right? In this day and age? I mean, if Dallas and Golden State can have a rivalry, Golden State and San Antonio can too! Hell, GS, just declare war on the whole Lonestar State and be done with it. The Dubs are only dangerous when motivated. Well, here! Their fans think Captain Jack sucks! And um... their mascot is Wile E. Coyote! And um... oh, hell, they stole the courvoisier, okay?!

7. Trillion Watch: Brian Skinner, Nene Hilario, Keith Langford, Steven Hunter, Von Wafer.

8. Your Ridiculous Salary Of The Night: How about Patrick Bryant? $2.21 MILLLION dollars for 1.5, 1.2, and .2 per game. That's a lot of crazy pills they coulda bought Captain Jack. Or booze they could have bought Nellie.

9. Who's Got More Swagger, The Teams Or The Blogs?: Boom Dizzle. Captain Jack. Manu Ginobili. Bruce Bowen. Big (Cheap) Shot Rob. That's a lot of swagger. But you know who dwarfs them? Golden State of Mind (Unstoppable, Baby!) and Pounding the Rock. PtR is THE prototypical Spurs fan, and how we would probably be if were Spurs fan. You know, if we'd been born without a soul. The definition of knowing how good your team is. They expect to win every game, and when they don't? "Eh, it's not the playoffs." GSoM on the other hand, is decidedly pandemic in its madness, infesting the Oracle with it's love of Matt Barnes and Azabuike obsessions. Watch this game if only to follow the live threads.

10. Better Late Than BCS: Both games are late tonight, with the Nuggs-Suns at 9:00 EST, and the Spurs-Warrior showdown at 10:30 EST. Which is convenient, because this should be about the point you're sick of watching LSU annihilate that fraud from up north from that conference that should be relegated to a few more A's in it's Division. Oh, but if you hear cries of sorrow coming from the East, that's Corn crying away the $50 he's going to owe me for our preseason picks for a national champion. He took two, I took two. My big mistake? Michigan. Doink. His? West Virginia and USC. Ha. Nice try. Pac-10. Please. The Timberwolves could beat the Pac-10. At football. As long as Dixon was hurt. Ca-Ching! (You're welcome, Buckstache nation, I have just handed you the victory.)

11. Defense? We Don't Need No Stinking Defense! (Via The Corndogg): The NBA's two best offense-first and only teams (sorry, Utah) meet up tonight in the Valley of the Sun. For all you folks getting the world-wide feed via Altitude or Fox Sports Arizona, good for you. For the other 10 bajillion people out there that wont get this, screw you! Should be an awesome display of pyrotechnics tonight.

12. Where In The World Is Amare?
(Via The Corndogg): Why do people hate Phoenix so much? Not necessarily the team ( although some do , evey within their own organization), but the city? No one ever wants to be found. First, there was the whole Marbury deal - eloquently chronicled here in the hallowed gigabytes of HP - and now its Amare? Seriously man, WTF!!!! Quite your bitching and get your head in the game. You are on a dynamite team, playing great basketball and on your way to a top 2 seed in the West. Grow the fu#k up, quit hiding out in the desert and direspecting your teammates. The Suns should have traded for Garnett. That's right, you heard it here first. Probably.

13. Since You Won't Listen To Your Own Teammates, Then Take The Advice Of One Of Your Elders, Even Though He Happens To Play For The Nuggets
(Via The Corndogg): Go to practice Amare .

14. When Being The Best Just Ain't Good Enough
(Via The Corndogg): Trust me, both of us here at HP hate the Spurs. And while it is hard not to get caught up in the whole Boston renaissance and the dominance of the Detroit bench, we still have to give these guys some credit. Ginobili is the hands down 6th Man of the Year. Duncan is averaging career lows and caring even less than usualy, while his team sits atop the Western Conference. Eva Parker is having to diss supermodels and reaffirm his commitment to his beard. They will even make the Warlocks seem boring tonight, as they fly in to the Bay, drive straight from the airport to the arena, suit up, play ball, kicks ass, then drive right back to the airport and leave. Hey dorks, why not enjoy a real American city!! Oh yeah, that's right. You are too busy winning.

15. Don Nelson's Hate Party
(Via The Corndogg): They are cutting lose DJ Mbegna. They want to ditch Pietrus, perhaps for even Smush "I'm Gonna Knock You Out" Parker. I don't think Nellie lets Patrick O'Bryant even dress for games any more (should we file a missing persons report?). He just lets his team do whatever they want, figuring they can police themselves and run their own offense. He even hates letting time run off the shot clock. So why watch this tonight? Well, idiot, because Nellie loves kicking ass and being awesome. Two things he can definitely do a little bit of while the Warriors struggle to hang with the Spurs.

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