Thursday, January 31, 2008

15 Footer 1.31.08

15 Reasons To Watch The Games Of The NBA Tonight:

1. When The Going Gets Good, The Good Score A Lot Of Points: A rare night of par excellence tonight. Here are just the stars that are on tonight, on a Thursday no less! Kevin Durant, LeBron James, Tim Duncan, Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, Kobe Bryant, Chauncey Billups, Rasheed Wallace, Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitski, Josh Howard, Jub-Jub. See? We're loaded tonight! Good thing there's nothing else big on televisi....crap.




2. The Missing Luke: What? The Lakers are playing on a Thursday night and they're not on national television? Shocking! This should be a pretty good one, if you like watching the Lakers fall hard. Meanwhile, the Pistons should be in cruise control, and they're still beating teams handily, 3 in a row. Oh yeah, and they're 15-4 at home. But Luke Walton's out with an injury. So the Lakers have that going for them.

3. Today's Frighteningly Obvious Statement: "Boy, It's A Good Thing They Traded For Garnett": The El Tigre-less Celtics host the Mavs tonight. And with KG on the shelf, they haven't exactly looked awesome. I mean, don't get me wrong, beating the Heat by 30 is great, but it's still, you know, beating the Heat by 30. Tonight they get a tougher matchup with Dirk and JHo-Ho coming in. Avery squashed the silly trade rumors, this team is third in the West, and now the Celtics have no one to match up on the Big Wienerschnitzel. Well, except for Leon Powe. Somehow we don't see a repeat of Tuesday.

4. One Ankle To Decide Them All: Here's the long and short of it. Bron-Bron is banged up because of the boo-boo he took while bumming out the Blazers. If Bron can't ball, Boobie will have to be the best and break it down with Shannon Brown. Kid Delicious will have to decide if he can deflate his detractors by defeating them the same way he downed the Dynasty the other day. And Zydraunus will... crap. Cavs at Sonics, James a gametime decision.




5. "We Have To Go Back": Are you kidding me? San Antonio versus Phoenix in what could be a tiebreaker for seeding clincher for the Suns, and it's on right after LOST? This is incredible. This may be the greatest 1-2 punch in the history of epic drama-NBA game combos. This is phenomenal, just phenomenal. And with the kind of great veteran players that... woah, sorry, slipped into my Bill Walton there. Anyway, there are two things you should not f*ck with tonight. Sayid and Amare. Done.





6. Well, That Seems Fair: LeBron and Varejao aren't the only players he might not play tonight. That's right. Wally Szczerbiak will also miss the game. So that's, you know, even. We wanted to put up an equivalent for Tony Parker in the Phoenix game, but no one is a wussy flopping terrific point guard who's testicles are carried in his wife's Prada bag on the Suns. Oddly enough.

7. R.C. Buford Might Want To Try Taking Some Of Those Crazy Pills (Via The Corndogg): If the Spurs really want to prove they are a dynasty, try trading for... then winning the championship with Ron "Mugato" Artest. All the Spurs are hurt, no one is playing any defense and they need some character and toughness to get them back into the upper echelon of Western Squads. Hey, they won one with SJax, so why not Ron Ron? Then, and only then, will we give the Spurs some love.




8.In A Corndogg World (Via The Corndogg): I would trade Lebron for Durant, straight up. That way KD and Larry Hughes could have a Horse-Match-Of-Death, where the only thing they do is take bad shots. First one to hit, gets to laugh while the other one bangs Varejao, who then, like a preying mantis, eats their head. My money is on KD... but to do what?

9.Word Of The Day (Via The Corndogg): LEBRUNYAN -- which means "a half man-half beast who can switch lhands at will, burst through 5 defenders like they are blow up clowns, bite his fingernails, do a Sprite commercial, make fun of your girlfriend and crap gold -- all while in the midst of hitting a 22 foot fall away jumper and calling himself MVP in 10 different languages." There will be a sighting of this mythical creature tonight in Key Arena.





10. Can You Wear A Spur On A Peg Leg? (Via The Corndogg): Man, the Spurs are beat up. Its like a bunch of circa-2002 Grant Hills out there -- no ankles and on a losing team. So, tonight, when the rested, healthy Suns start cranking up the MPH to 5 gajillion, expect Manu to start flopping, only because he is being blasted back by the exhaust. The newly remodeled 2008 GH Superspecial will be doleing out lots of dunks up in Udoka's grill this evening.



11. Hey, You Wanna Make A Trade? I'll Give You My 35-8 Record For Your... Nah, JK. LOL. OMG (Via The Corndogg): To go from the prey to the predator in a few short months. Must be good to be Boston. Especially when you see a team like Dallas, who has at least sniffed at a championship (well, before they were left sniffing the Warlocks jocks last year), trying to wheel and deal and blow up their dynasty-caliber team just to get minutely better, while your brilliant front office kicks back and has a Sam Adams. Hey, its 5 o'clock somewhere (Ed. Note: If you click one link in this entire thing, click this one.-Matt).




12. Kobe 4 MVP (Via The Corndogg): Just flew in from LA and boy, are my arms tired!! See, the hits just keep on coming. You've been a great audience. I"ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

13. Trillion Watch: Keith Langford. Alando Tucker, as always.

14. Your Ridiculous Salary Of The Night: $3.6 Million. That's Robert Horry, ladies and gentlemen. Now, in no way do we doubt that Horry will hit some big shot in the playoffs. That's a given. But the rest of the time, he's an absolute black hole on the court. He's just wandering around, devouring suns and blanking out existence. Basically, he's getting paid 1 million per three pointer in the playoffs. That's a sweet gig.

15. Random Wikipedia Article of the Day (Via The Random Article Link; No Cheating): And to bring it full circle, you should watch tonight because there will be so many stars on tonight. So many bright, shining balls of ignited gases. So many brilliant lights of high contracts and expensive shoes. Almost as many stars as there are in Triangulum. Almost, but not quite.

 
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