Wednesday, January 30, 2008

15 Footer 1.30.08

16 Reasons To Watch The Games In The NBA Tonight:

1. The Rematch You've Waited...24 Hours For: After an overtime thriller last night, it's a back to back with Washington at Toronto. Tuff Juice was a scratch last night, but Blatche and Jamison picked up the slack. Dinosty was leveled by the result and says that the Raps absolutely "cannot drop two straight to a Caron-less Wizards team.(in the midst of some serious bitter-pie, I might add)."

2. You Know, In Requiem For A Dream, They Call Back 2 Back...: Yet another back-to-back game as the Wolves get the Bulls at home after Hinrich ran over, around, and through them last night. Randy Foye is back, though it didn't help them last night. This is a pretty nifty matchup, what with The Harbinger being defended by Ben Wallace (who seemed to actually try last night; I know, we're scared too), and the Bulls managing wins without Ben Gordon and Luol Deng (and, oddly enough, Joe Smith. Hmmm...the plot thickens). We'll see if the Wolves can't pull some more razzle-dazzle at home.

3. The Basketball Equivalent Of A Snuff Film: Seriously. Dwayne Wade and Udonis Haslem are out of the Heat-Magic game. Orlando's coming off one of their biggest wins of the season. Mark Blount was the leading scorer for the Heat last night. Mark Blount. This is going to be disgusting. Only watch this if you enjoy slasher movies and snuff films.

4. Make It Hard On Yourself, Why Don't You: Milwaukee plays Philly tonight. Both teams are probably lottery bound, and Milwaukee is without their star, Michael Redd. The shooting percentages in this game could combine to equal New Orleans'. If you want a reason to watch, though? Samuel Dalembert and the young Sixers are actually pretty fun to watch. And there's a long storied rivalry between...okay, we made that up. But still, Thaddeus Young is getting more play, which is cool.

5. Easy Pickens And The Jamboree All-Stars: We can't wait till Sunday, March 23rd. Why? Because the Nuggets play Toronto, in the "We Beat Bad Teams But Lose To Good Teams" Bowl. Seriously, that game may create some sort of point differential algorithm that causes a spontaneous combustion of the space time continuum, destroying all life in the universe as we know it and forever altering the foundations of existence itself. Luckily for life, the universe, and everything, the Nuggets play Memphis tonight, who they will beat, because that's what they do.

6. It's Appropriate That They Play Fast And Loose: The Warriors are in New Orleans tonight, to take on the red-hot/streaking/impressive/"whatever adjective you want to use to describe how they're kicking everyone's ass" Hornets tonight. Which is appropriate, since much like the ladies that walk the streets of New Orleans, peddling their backsides and offering sweet tastes of virulent pleasure, the Dubs play fast and loose. They're about to get busted by the strict arm of defense, though. Baron Davis versus Chris Paul? We'd skip a hooker for that.

7. Oh, Good, Zack Randolph Is In Utah. This Should Go Well: Knicks at Jazz for another loss tonight. After losing to the Lakers without Ariza, Bynum, and Walton, can we just go ahead and put a stop to the "resurgent" tag on the Knicks? They're resurgent like support for the Iraq war. Meanwhile, Utah's resurgent like Led freaking Zeppelin. I.E. back and killing everything in sight. The lakes will run red and salty with the blood of the Knickerbockers tonight.

8. Too Close For Varejao, We're Switching To Hughes: Cavs are in Portland tonight to take on the Blazers, who have been winning by the hair on their chinny, prepubescent chin-chins. James is the lawn mower, and whatever jabroni they stick in his way is the grass. This one should be good, even without Varejao. Z versus Aldridge and Roy versus whatever the Cavs are using as trade bait for Kidd.

9. Battle For 2012: Bobcats and Kings tonight. I keep having to remind myself, after every Bobcats loss that inches them further and further away from the playoffs, that this team was annihilated with injuries. They're the second most devastated team behind LA. And when I remind myself of that, I go back to enjoying watching them play. Okafor has been especially rambunctious lately, throwing down slams and blocking things into the ninth row. Unfortunately, some times he gets lost as if someone had spun him around five times in a room filled with ether. We'll see if he can pull across the lane and get to Kevin Martin before he pulls another magic act like he did the other night.

10. Random Wikipedia Article of the Day (Via The Random Article Link; No Cheating): You know, when people speak of LeBron in a few years, after he's retired, they'll speak of him as some sort of folktale, some God among men who devoured all creatures before him. He'll be more legend than man, more fiction, than fact. He'll be this amalgam of all the greatest moments in his career. Kind of like Nuada. Only with a worse percentage from the arc.

Here We Go Again (Via The Corndogg): Bulls/T-Wolves and Wiz/Raps again tonight. So, pretend its opposite day and imagine who will win and which players will actually show up. That means, a pissy-pants performance from Big Ben, 2 Rebounds from Super-Jamison, a celestial performance from Antoine Walker and 61% shooting from the winged Raptors (get it?).

12. And For My Next Trick, I Will Tap Dance On Your Bloody, Rotten Corpse (Via The Corndogg): Ole' says SVG!! I foxtrot on your throat, Riley. I cha-cha on your penochas. I salsa on your ball-sas! I tap on your testes. And I will do it all while J.J. Redick reads his poetry of unrelenting male desire. You do not mess with the Big Baby Jesus!!

13. He Hate Me (Via The Corndogg): Two of the league's most despised coaches try to coax their teams into trying tonight when the Knicks meet the Jazz. When they say jump, their players say "Screw You, Punk!" Should be an entertaining battle of the wills to see which team will implode on itself first. The good thing for the Knicks is that there is nothing to do in SLC once they are done, so they might as well show up for all 4 quarters.

14. Pargo My Cargo (Via The Corndogg): Janerro Pargo was little more than dead weight last year, judging by either Hornets standards, or by leage wide standards. No one knew him, he wasn't getting much burn and he wasn't likely to find his niche with Paul, Mo Pete, Peja and the rest trying to ignite the hive in NOLA. Now, Pargo is more Dead Eye than dead weight. He is knocking down big shots and running his stinger off to defend the other team's best perimeter guys (so as to save the Queen Bee - CP3). Alright, enough with the bug humor. Watching Pargo face off against Dizzle or Monta tonight will be like a street fight between Kimbo Slice vs. Chico Grande.

15. We Don't Give A Rat's A$$ About Your Mom (Via The Corndogg): Two teams that are surprisingly not in the Damon Stoudamire sweepstakes (well, as far as "traditional" media outlets would lead you to believe) play tonight in Sactown. G-Force brings his "soon to be snubbed even though I was player of the month" credentials to take on Crazy Pills Artest and his chest beaters. Watch out for the all important Kenny Thomas vs. Ryan Hollings matchup. Could be the game decider.

16. Wanna Win A Bet? (Via The Corndogg): Just tell us who the Hawks coach is? I have been writing about the NBA all year and still have no clue. I love to crap on crappy Billy Knight and I see all the talent there going underused, but not even the All-Awful Billy can just make chemistry disappear and talent go unused. Someone else (who he paid) must be screwing this up. Kind of like the Wizard of Oz, but with someone who knows nothing about basketball behind the curtain -- to go along with heart, brains and courage.

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