Tuesday, January 29, 2008

15 Footer 1.29.08

Ladies, you can take a sedative and rest your worried minds. Corndogg is back in the Paroxysm. We now return you to your regularly scheduled mayhem.

15 Reasons To Watch The Games Of The NBA Tonight:

1. State Of The Union: After Dubya's final SotU speech last night (which you've probably heard, if you heard any of the last 5), the Wiz try and represent that American strength against our enemies to the North, the Raps: America will rally, as it has rallied before, behind the strength of players like Tuff Juice, and will overcome the terrorists from Canada. We have fought the tenacious defense of Jose Calderon, and we have won. America is strong, and I implore Congress to approve the use of the Lock Smith. We're Hardwood Paroxysm, and we approve this message.

2. Beverly Hills Cop 5 (Axel Goes To Indianapolis): Can't you just see it? Axel goes to Indy to track down the scumbags that are after Jamal Tinsley. Along the way he gets help from Rasheed Wallace and Rip Hamilton, and you even get a five second guest appearance from Jermaine O'Neal. Detroit's in Indy tonight, for a matchup of a really good team on cruise-control versus a really bad team on the skids. But Axel might be there! (Ed. Note: Axel will NOT be there.)

3. I Want You To Want Me (Via The Corndogg): Here's your news flash, Walter Cronkite... Al Jefferson is good as basketball. So much so that if I were John Paxson and still trying to deal my way out of the outhouse I have created inside the United Center, I would send all of my bigs: Wallace, Noah, Thomas and Gray to Minny for him. And that would still make me a better GM than most anyone else in the league. But you know, easier said than done, right?

4. The Best Way To Snap A 14 Game Losing Streak (Via The Corndogg): Is to take on the Spurs? Yeah, who thought we would ever be able to say that? No, really, its not as easy to snap as a person's spirit if you confine them to a water tank and make them watch American Gladiator re-runs for hours on end, but you got to think the Sonics have a chance. Their city hasn't given up on them (yet) and the Spurs are playing like they just had a lobotomy. Spurs by 35.

5. Don't Cry For Me, Hoboken (Via The Corndogg): So, Kidd wants to be traded to a contender? Well, life's not fair Jason. Want proof? Just go ask your ex-wife, flings and former mistresses. I am sure you promised them honesty, integrity and faithfulness (much like you promised Ron Thorn) only to run away and let your lawyers deal with everything while you choked away the last remaining productive years of your career. You deserve Vince Carter and Jason Collins. I would say enjoy your 10th straight loss tonight at the hands of the lowly Bucks, but then you probably WOULD enjoy it and ruin my joke. You Horse's Ass! (ed. note - All this cold medicine is making me more hateful than usual).

6. You're Wrong, Even When You Get It Right (Via The Corndogg): Joe Johnson is scoring like mad. Josh Smith should be an All Star. Marvin Williams is playing like the guy you hoped he would be. Al Horford has been even better than advertised. Yet, you are still 4 games under .500 and barely hanging on to what may become the #8 spot in the Eastern Conference Playoffs (that is, unless they just forfeit #s 5-8 and only let the 4 "good" teams in the conference play in May). The Hawks are doing a great job... at sucking.

7. You Make Me Feel Like A Whore (Via The Corndogg): This is what D-Wade will be telling Riley tonight when he is still in there being harassed by Paul Pierce with 3 minutes to go in the 4th, down 26. But hey, if you can win one (as in their first on in 16 tries) you can win 'em all, right Pat?

8. Let's See If Billy Knight Can Get Out With His Wallet: Hawks in the desert tonight to take on the Suns. Every time Billy Knight looks at the Suns, he loses a draft pick. We expect him to get on the bus tonight and find that Josh Childress has magically disappeared and he's got Eric Piatowski sitting inexplicably in the front row, talking to the bus driver about his bowel movement.

9. Now Would Be A Good Time To Stabilize Thrusters, Boys: Spurs are the 5th seed in the West at the moment, Hollinger says they only have a 75% shot at the playoffs, and they're getting killed in key situations late in games. So now might be a good time to throttle the Sonics, kick the weak while they're down, grab their junk and reassert themselves. Just don't kick too hard, Finley and Horry. You'll break something.

10. Lamar Odom Will Not Prevent You From Being Destroyed By The Harbinger: That's right. We're nicknaming Al Jefferson the Harbinger from here on out. Because from whence we walks, so doth doom follow. BlogABull thinks the Bulls should nab Odom in a three way swap that sends Kidd to the Lakers. Unfortunately, even if they'd done this trade 10 days ago, it won't stop the Harbinger. He's been unstoppable, magnficent, amazing, a behemoth, and other superlatives. He'll probably lose tonight, because even when we win, we're reminded that Antoine Walker is a bench player for them, but still. Tune in to see the Harbinger take on Noah.

11. Their Defenses Are Down! Fire!: KG's out again tonight in Miami for the "big" Wade vs. The Celtics matchup. As much as we loved Orlando's win over the Celts on Sunday via Threekake, we still agree that Orlando should have won by much more than that. Without KG they are a wounded, confused duck. Miami actually has a shot at this. Unfortunately, that shot is in the hands of Ricky Davis, and will therefore be errant.

12. Trillion Watch: Avwee Story keeps getting minutes, so we're waiting for his regression and subsequent Trillion. MARK MADSEN! Primoz Brezec.

13. Two Big Markets, One Big Inability To Finish At The Basket: The Knicks are in LA tonight to take on the reeling Lakers. We're not exactly sure why people are so confused by this. Real simple. Kobe + No Supporting Cast= Suckheads Watching Him Shoot. Kobe+Andrew Bynum Developing and Derek Fisher Not Playing Like Ass= Magical MVP Season and "chance at a championship!" quote ABC's Mark Jackson. Look. This is the same team we've seen for the last three years with a little better point play and a bigman that's found his game. In the playoffs, though, people aren't bowled over by your improvements anymore. Luckily for them, the Knicks would get bowled over by a stiff movie premier.

14. So THAT'S Why Webber Came Back: It's Ladies Night at the Toyota Center. So let's review who's going to be at this little soiree. Baron Davis. Stephen Jackson. Matt Barnes. Yao Ming. Shane Battier. Rafer Alston. Possibly a guest appearance by Chris Webber. And Don Nelson. Yeah. This should go well. Also, Baron Davis is going to massacre Rafer Alston like he was Apache war chief. Also, consider this image an apology for our "girly-fight" comment to our female readers.

15. Random Wikipedia Article Of The Day(Via The Random Article Link; No Cheating): You're going to be hearing your share of gushing about New Orleans from us over the next few months, provided they stay healthy (knock on wood, or Peja's knee). The Hornets are kind of like a finely tuned automobile. Of course, Chris Paul is the engine, he makes it go. David West is the wheels, the foundation, the source of motion. Chandler is the frame, the thing that keeps the whole thing together. And Jannero Pargo? Well he's the car seat. You can replace him with almost anyone, but when he's comfy? Man is that a nice ride.

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