20(!) Reasons to Watch the Games of the NBA Tonight:
1. No, You're Not Seeing Things, They're Actually Wearing Roller Skates: Detroit's lost 3 in a row. Sheed doesn't wanna go to New Orleans for that stupid, meany All-Star Crappy Game. If this were the Suns, it wold be Panic! At The Palace! But since it's the Pistons, we know what's up. They just decided to hit cruise control after beating the Spurs instead of before. They're in full-on coast mode. Even so, cruise control is a tricky thing. You have to still come out and whip teams every now and again to show you're still dominant. Tonight in Philly may be one of those. We can't see the Sixers hanging with the shooting talent, even if Dalembert versus Sheed is actually kind of intriguing. But hey, weirder things have happened. This week.
2. Aw, Crap, Another Sub .500 Club!: Dallas has issues against weak-ass teams. They just don't seem to have their hearts in it. They're still working on the "Don't try so hard in the regular season" thing the Spurs and Pistons have down pat. Either way, the Mavs are a very quiet 27-13, and it's games like these that keep hurting them in the effort to keep pace with the Hornets. God, that's fun to say. Anyway, Charlotte had an upswing for a while, but lately it's been back to the doldrums. They're going to need another huge night from JRich and Crash, if they want to topple the Mavs.
3. Back Home We Call This A Pissing Contest: The One-Man Show versus the pure team concept. LeBron and the Cavs welcome Caron and the Wiz tonight. LeBron's been playing out of his mind and as much as we hate to admit it, Varajeo has been helping them win games. The Wiz are just as hot though, and the combination of young, athletic team talent on one side versus uber-duper-superstar and his merry band of losers is kind of interesting. The biggest issue, though is that even with Haywood playing the All-Star level he is, we're not sure they can combat the Cavs rebounding. One thing those guys can do well is crash the boards. Which is good, since Larry Hughes is on their team.
4. Dinosaur Versus Gigantic Cloverfield Monster of Doom. Go: Toronto heads to Boston tonight to take on a Celtics team that is getting back in gear after their little downturn a week and a half ago, and Pierce is pissed about being ejected. This is bad news bears. The Raps took them to the wire early in the season and then got eradicated a little later on. We'll see if the Raps can come up with their best effort tonight. They'll need it. Otherwise, El Tigre Monstruoso will be playing the part of the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.
5. This Is Why I'm Hot: You want HOT HOT HOT? How about Portland at New Orleans? This game should not only be nationally televised, they oughta put it on ABC instead of whatever crap they have lined up for tonight because of the writer's strike. This is the perfect game to showcase the league. Young superstars, two of the best point guards in the game, Chandler vs. Aldridge, West vs. Outlaw. This game is sweeter than SEC Poon. Luckily, only people in two small markets or the limited number of people with League Pass get to watch it. God, I hate how this system works.
6. Now Try The Game on "Hard" Difficulty Level: The Wolves took down Baron and the Warlocks on Monday after Baron was pimping his gang flick at Sundance. Now they get another team with the run and gun offense in Phoenix. Unfortunately, the Dubs are like the boss at the end of level 1, and Phoenix is like Super King Koopa. Expect a beat-down in the Twin Cities tonight.
7. We Don't Even Need A Snappy Title For This: Mike Miller Versus Hedo Turkoglu. A Very Special Blossom, tonight at 8, 7 Central.
8. It's A Gigantic Vat Of Trade Rumors: O'Neal to the Nets. Nocioni to the Nets. Nocioni to the Grizzlies. O'Neal to the Grizzlies. There are enough trade rumors between the Bulls and Pacers to fill up a day's worth of RSS feeds from Hoops Vibe. Our hope? Everyone gets traded before the start of the game and they have to play 2 on 2 with Mike Dunleavey Jr. and Danny Granger versus Luol Deng and Ben Wallace. Because nobody's taking Ben Wallace.
9. What I Don't Believe: Look, we get it. They're 1 and 2 without Bynum. Kobe dished 11 assists. Fisher scored 27. Do you think any of these things are happening again, if you're not a fan of LA? You really think Fisher's going to score +20 and Kobe's going to become Chris Paul again? Like we mentioned earlier, the good cruise-control teams come out and pound the contenders into pulp before retreating back into the cave. This will be the Spurs tonight. Let's go ahead and lay this out fo you. Lakers come out and run up 14-8. Early timeout, Spurs. Then Pop fake yells, Timmy laughs, says "Okay, Coach. Okay." Then Manu comes out and the Spurs kick their injured asses all the way back to LA. We'll admit this team is a (gulp) title contender with Bynum. But we'd like to get a seven game sample size without him before we start saying they're going to be "fine."
10. The Biggest 12 Win Train Wreck This Year: The Clips have 12 wins. That's twice as many as Minnesota, and Minnesota's only missing one of their key players, not two. Yet, there's a bunch of trash talking coming from coaches, GMs, and players out there. We don't think making some trades is a bad idea for the Clips, but seriously guys, wait till Livingston and Brand come back and you underachieve again before freaking out. That said, the Moss Covered, Three-Handled Family Gredunza is in town tonight, and you do not want to mess with them. These guys have turned into the NBA equivalent of Snake Plisken. Run.
11. In Case Of Emergency, Blame Your GM: We don't mean to put our hands over the panic button yet, but the Hawks have lost 3 in a row. They're 5-11 on the road. They're not playing particularly well together. They suspended their center. And they get a Denver team that has a history of bouncing back from humiliating defeats, and they get them in Denver. We're pulling for the Hawks, we like new blood in the playoffs. But this is a team that's known for starting with a small cut and ending with a hemorrhage. Melo's out, which should help, but nobody puts AI in a corner.
12. No Comment: You want a reason to watch Houston versus Seattle tonight? Yao Ming. That's all we got. We'd say KD, but you can just watch a YouTube clip and get the same. We'd say to see if Wally freaks out, really, it's Wally. Just watch Yao. Oh, and Carl Landry. That kid's f'ing great.
13. Trillion Watch: Jason Smith. Nick Fazekas. Guillermo Diaz.
14. Random Wikipedia Analogy Of The Day: You know, what the Clippers really need? Someone to pull them back from the edge. To be there for them. To keep them from drowning, and put a warm towel around them. They need the Royal Life Saving Society Australia. Of course, that won't do much good when your owner burns down the gym. But still.
15. Your Ridiculous Salary Of The Night: $1.8 Million. For Kevin freaking Martin. Enjoy this rare moment of fiscal responsibility. Because that kid is getting piznayed this summer. They have to break up the Moss Covered, Three-Handled Family Gredunza just to pay for what this kid deserves.
16. Is There Anything He Can't Do (Via The Corndogg): Awesome bounce passes. Rolling with Jessica Alba. Protesting the war. Rocking a Mullet. Well, I can think of one thing he hasn't done this year. Beating the T-Wolves. Yeah, that's right. You heard me. Expect another offensive orgy tonight when the Suns burn down the nets in Minny. Hey Telfair, this is what a real point guard looks like.
17. You SoCal Chumps Is Weak (Via The Corndogg): Sactown has finally got all three of their main men back (regardless if they want to trade them away) and look what a difference it made . While your two best players are still nursing those little pesky, girlie-man injuries, those NoCal folks are beating fools so bad that they run plays for Mikki Moore. If this happens again tonight, might as well kiss Colonel Dunleavy goodbye.
18. Your Mom (Via The Corndogg): Yeah, there she is. Way in the back. In them the nosebleed seats. Using her binoculars and eating her trail mix. She even snuck in a flask of Rumple Mint to keep this thing exciting. Yep, that's your mom, supporting the Bulls. Just out of gunshot range. Must have got those half priced tix, come to think of it. Good luck with that. Hey, at least they have 1 fan left.
19. I Guess They Like To Talk To Their Dogs Before They Eat Them (Via The Corndogg): Yao will be visiting his main man Ichiro tonight in Emerald City. I know, I know Yao is Chinese and Ichiro is Japanese. I know all Asians aren't the same. I just wonder if both of these guys (whose countrymen are always accused of feeding us crackers some dogmeat) hear their pets talk to them . Maybe Yao's dog told him to stay in Houston and form a winning playoff tandem with T-Mac. If that's the case, might as well fry that collie up!
20. Yo Darko, Such My Big Fat Moral Standards (Via The Corndogg): BBJ is rolling into Memphis tonight to shove his size 84 foot right up his old boy Darko's (edited for BBJ's moral standards). That is a euphemism for dominating him the game of basketball. Well, its not a euphemism, but I think I made my point. Dwight Howard is nasty. Also, Rashard Lewis almost got his 2nd piece of his triforce apology for that game winner. Glad it only took you about half the season to hit one. Now, about that $120 mil?