Real quick. Linas F*cking Kleiza? I won the battle of Corndogg and I's "who will win the MVP" players (versus "Who Should Win"). Woohoo, go LeBron and the LeBronites!
15 Reasons To Watch The Games Of The NBA Tonight:
1. The Most Popular Team With A .216 Winning Percentage In Years: You'll never guess who's on ESPN tonight. Never. Guess. Just try and guess. No, not a special interview with Philip Rivers about his love of not loving others. No, not another College Football playoff simulation (the only thing they simulate is their McLovin' of USC). No, get this. The Miami HEAT are on, tonight! I know, right! This is insane! I haven't seen these guys play in weeks! This should be quite a surprise. They don't really get much press. I wonder how well they're doing this year. Hmm....
2. The Frozen Tundra Of Air Canada Centre: The Hawks venture North tonight to take on the Raps. This is a pretty great matchup of two teams no one knows anything about. So, it's pretty typical of 90% of the good games in the NBA on any given night. This game is notable because it's Horford's first game in Toronto after unintentionally almost killing T.J. Ford. We'd like to remind the Air Canada Centre crowd that injuries do happen, and that they need to make sure they focus their energy in a positive way. Like wishing Vince Carter would fall down a flight of stairs. That are on fire. And smell like dung.
3. Let's See You Try That Again: The RESURGENT(!) Knicks are in Washington tonight. They've won three in a row! Holy F*cking Shit, bring Pama some pork chops! The Knickerbockers are playing and Poppa's watchin' the game from da livin' roomz!... The Knicks are 3-13 on the road. The Knicks are 12 and 26 overall. The Knicks are depending on improved play from Zack Randolph. Wiz kick them back down into the gutter where they belong tonight. I especially need this to happen. Why? Because after I lobbied for Isiah to keep his job a few months ago so I would eternally have material for this blog, Corn has decided I am the reason the Knicks keep winning, and therefore the reason Isiah keeps his job. This makes Corn angry. And makes him want to do things to me. With a car battery. Please, Caron. Save me. You're my only hope.
4. Dalembert Better Call Linas F*cking Kleiza: Philly's in Bean Town tonight. The Celtics righted themselves by crushing the Blazers the other night. Ray Allen shook off the mopey face and popped 35. The interior's what is going to come through for them tonight. Garnett, Pierce, and Davis are going to rip open that Philly interior and feast and feast until their bellies are full and their belts are split. We think. But then again, if Boston hasn't righted the ship...
5. We're Betting The Patriots Score More Than Either Of These Teams: Kings and the Moss-covered, Three-handled Family Gredunza are in Detroit to face the Pistons. These two teams are tremendous on defense, have a great defensive scheme, feature defensive superstars and defense the defense like no defense can defence a fence. Defense. Did you know defense wins championships? Everyone says so. Hell, let's just treat this as the NBA Finals preview, okay?
6. Please Keep All Beer To Self: But the Kings coming to Detroit means something else as well. It means Ron-Ron's back where he made the memories! Nothing should happen tonight, but if you're watching at home, you can play a fun game of "Which King would take the place of Stephen Jackson in 'Malice at the Palace 2: Back In The Habit?'". Bonus points for selecting which laid back Piston would take the place of Ben Wallace. We're guessing Maxiell.
7. Matthew Modine Is The Man (Via The Corndogg): Caught some of Memphis Belle this morning before I came to work. That movie is the sh%t, son. The only thing more awesome than that is tonight when the Grizz blow Air Durant out of the sky and we can celebrate our new guilty pleasure (kind of like edible underwear, but with athletes). And it will keep 3 Shades off my ass for a while. Well, until tomorrow at least, when the Bobcats go all Rick Flair on the cubbies in Charlotte (where yours truly might be catching Air Rufus, Part Duex in person. Maybe).
8. Watch Out For The Big White Dude (Via The Corndogg): Warning to Utah!! Chris Kaman will murder you. After displaying your complete inability to keep moderately talented, pasty white basketball players of questionable European decent from shredding you apart, I must advice you to put all 5 guys on Kaman (where is that name from anyway?) when he gets the ball. You might call it over-kill, I call it not "getting killed." Why can't your moderately talented, pasty white basketball players of questionable Russian decent do that? It's one of life's great unsolved mysteries. Speaking of which, anybody know where Robert Stack be at?
9. Because You Love It When The Media Latches On To A Guy In A Small Market (Via The Corndogg): Man, all of a sudden, people love Gerald Wallace. And for good reason. He will tear up the Hornets tonight, as his team proceeds to lose by 20.
10. Before Long, He'll Be On 60 Minutes With That Bad Mama-Jama, Mike Wallace (Via The Corndogg): Steve Nash might have the best interviewing skills in the NBA. Whether it was Toothgate . Or the Playboy Interview. Or even last night when he talked about how much his team sucked, albeit in hilarious jest (sorry, could not find link). This guy has become the one true original left on the microphone. Just wait til his back finally does give out, cause he would be terrific supplanting Kenny Smith on the TNT set. I bet he would even get in Barkley's Fave 5. Watch for more hilarity tonight after they shell Minny by 30. Or lose.
11. Just Can't Get Enough (Via The Corndogg): So, YOU sir, are the only person in the world who enjoys watching the Bulls and/or the Heat twice in one week. Please give us your IP address so we can infiltrate your PC and and destroy your cyber world. It's like Rambo, only digitized and without Botox. (ed. note - that will be the only time I reference Rambo again, I swear. Please, do not stop reading!- Corndogg)
12. If They Aren't Playing In Minnesota, Are They Still A Financial Albatross (Via The Corndogg): It's one thing to be bad. I mean, the Knicks are bad, buy they still haul in the scrilla. The Heat, ditto. But the T-Wolves have reached epic proportions of awfulness. They are so bad now that they are costing the good citizens of Minnesota ( even the ones who live in a place that Garrison Keillor knows about) hard earned money. That's a way to get everyone on your side, McHale. Oh wait, I forgot, we might as well start referring to you as Kevin Stalinovychnya!! Where is Rambo when you need him? (Ok, ok, I promise. That's it).
13. Trillion Watch: We missed Voskuhl the other night. We're doubling back and selecting him for the rarest of the rare. Back to back trillions. Also, Mario West. Primoz Brezec. Rodney Carney.
14. Random Wikipedia Analogy Of The Day: You know, the NBA's a crazy place. It's bizarre. It's peculiar. Take the Clippers, who, even without their top two players, are actually not that bad. They'll probably fall to the Jazz tonight, even though the Jazz can't play defense. But still. Their work this season has been phenomenal. Peculiar. So peculiar, in fact, that they should be covered in a new copy of "An Atlas of Peculiar Galaxies" by one Mr. Halton Arp.
15.Ridiculous Salary Of The Night: Reggie Evans. Who knew that $4.3 Million a year would only get you 5.1, 8.2, and 4.9 per game? Wait, the Bulls must have known that. Damn,this league overpays. Don't ever take a GM to Portabello Road. You'll spend $6 Million and end up with Napoleon's Pistols. Or Rambo. Sorry. Couldn't resist.
Have a good weekend.