Wednesday, January 16, 2008

15 Footer 1.16.08

Corndogg's a slacker today, so I've got the wheel. Which is good, because he'd just be grumpy about the Knicks winning and the Suns losing anyway.

15 Reasons To Watch The Games In The NBA Tonight:

1. Don't Drink The Water, There's Blood In The Water: John Salmons.Sacramento's in the great state nation of Canada tonight, to take on the Raps. I caught the Raptors-Pistons game last night. Despite Dinosty's pleas for official justice (and autosave on his blogging interface), the Dinos lost this one because of horrific, horrific defense. John Salmons. Their backcourt looked positively lost against the Pistons ball-movement. I think they're still stunned from the Cavs loss and think they're playing the Cavs all the time, whose only ball movement is the pass to LBJ at mid-court. John Salmons. The Kings are playing dangerously well, as evidenced by this piece over at Xs and Os. The Raptors might want to toughen up a bit, lest they be the latest team to get shocked by the resurgent Kings.John Salmons.John Salmons.

2. It's Like A Role Playing Game, Only With 7' Athletes: I haven't played one since I was 10, but you know those role-playing card games, like Magic the Gathering (so I was a dork as a kid, sue me)? Imagine if you brought out a Bobcats card into battle. Now, it may work against the El Tigre Monstruoso card, as long as you have a point guard hex on it, but against Magic BBJ? Not so much. The Bobcats are 2-8 in their division. And guess what? Those two are not from the Magic. The Cats have been playing well lately, but the Magic are starting to pull the pieces back together as well. If Rashard gets back to how he played last night? Game over. And if Dwight Howard gets pissed because he can't decorate right? Double trouble.

3. Warning: Parental Discretion Is Advised, Godd*mnit: Parents, we want to talk to you about something. We know how it is. You're home from work. The spouse is feeling randy for the first time in months. The kids are watching TV, going to watch a basketball game, little tikes. They'll be fine. We'll just sneak upstairs while they watch the game. It shouldn't hurt anyone if we play a little game of "Plow the Field." But there's something you need to know. That innocent basketball game they're watching? That's Chicago-Miami. We know, we know, it's shocking to us, too. And no, we don't know why it's being televised. But it is. So be prepared. Teach your kids what it means to watch horrific basketball, and keep them safe from Ben Wallace's leadership abilities. Hardwood Paroxysm Cares (which is more than what Ben Wallace is doing). The only reason to watch this game is if you're a fan of Rap Battles.

4. Invasion Of The Warlocks: Someday we'll reveal why we refer to them as the Warlocks. Not today. The Warlocks are in the fair state of Indiana tonight to take on the Pacers. You may remember the Pacers from such debacles as 2-8 in their last 10, Mike Dunleavy being their top scorer, and the previous feeling that they were a playoff contender. The Dubs' schedule as of late has been smooth as yogurt, and they've got Chicago, Milwaukee, Minnesota, New Jersey in the next four. Is tonight the night they take the requisite night off per four games?

5. I Am Your Tourniquet: The Celtics are reeling all of a sudden. Portland is in town tonight, and as good as they've been, they're smaller, younger, and less established than the Celtics. If the Celtics can beat them at home, they can get the engines back up to full speed. Another loss, and the panic meter's going to rise even more. Don't you just love premature panic? I think I'll have one right now! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

6. The Battle For The Holland Tunnel: New York, fresh off beating the Wizards (seriously, WTF, Wiz?) and Pistons are in Jersey tonight, looking for win #3. The Knicks are playing much better on the whole, including Zack "Tradebait" Randolph. They could continue their winning ways simply by virtue of the Nets being the equivalent of an egg only omelet. There's nothing on the inside. A loss would drop the Nets to 9-14. Keep an eye on the Pacers and Sixers if the Nets keep this suckfest up.

7. The Real Winner Here Would Be Elmer Fudd: Hawks face Bucks tonight in a battle of woodland creatures. You know, if the these teams were actually woodland creatures, I'd bet Michael Redd would be a wolf. Yi would have to be a Praying Mantis. Bogut is a bear, obviously. And Joe Johnson? Well Joe Johnson is an AK47, shredding your precious woodland to bits and pieces, Milwaukee. Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.

8. The Joke Writes Itself: Okay, just go ahead and make up your own joke about the fact that Seattle, who, no matter what secret plan they have, is losing the Sonics is playing New Orleans, who, no matter what their owner says, is losing the Hornets. There. Now insert an obscure cultural reference and a curse-word. Congratulations, you just wrote yourself a 15.

9. Silence Is The Most Beautiful Sound Of All: We're trying to figure out what ESPN's going to do for a pre-game show. The Lakers aren't on. They'll spend 40 minutes talking about LeBron's 51 against a Grizzlies team that really should have won that game, but what are they going to do for the other 20 minutes? Are they really going to talk about Miami-Chicago? Oh, wait, this lets Walton rip on Noah for being a rookie and extol the virtues of veteran leadership. Awesome. Wait a sec while I cue up Awful Announcing in another tab.

10. But Seriously, Folks: Chris Paul is way, way up there for MVP. If by some grace of God this team makes a top 3 seed, he's got to be it. Tonight he faces the Rookie of the Year (by name-recognition default, sorry Horford) Kevin Durant. There's not a single matchup here that we like in favor of the Sonics. We're pretty sure the ballboys for New Orleans have the Sonics' topped. Meanwhile, Tyson Chandler has to be a nominee for most improved player. Okay, all we need is a defensive player of the year on either squad and we're good. Okay, maybe not.

11. Recipe for Disaster: Thanks to BrewHoop, got some interesting factoids for you. Hawks are 5-9 on the road, Bucks are 10-5 at home. Bogut's been on a tear, and since the Hawks shoot less threes than any team in the league, improved inside play from the Bucks is trouble. Of course, Al Horford is no slouch, and Scorch Johnson has been tearing it up. This looks like a pretty good freakin' game, actually.

12. Trillion Alert: Crowd at New Orleans Arena. Travis Diener. Ryan Hollins. Dorrell Wright.

13. Random Wikipedia Analogy Of The Day: Wow. Sometimes this thing is just genius. What did it lead us to, on the same day Ben Wallace got into a shoving match with Noah? Oh, the
Macrozamia riedlei. A delightful plan who's seeds can be developed into something tasty, but if eaten raw, can be poisonous. That's pretty much Ben Wallace, if you replace "eaten raw" with "given a ridiculously overly generous contract."

14. The Return Of The Undead (And By Undead, We Mean Sacramentans. Sacramentonians? Sacramentoweja?): Mike Bibby. Ron Artest. Kevin Martin. The three-headed beast angry gopher is back at full-strength tonight for the Kings. It looks like this Sacramento team might just be turning into that team no one wants to play in the late season. And with the perpetual "eh"-ness of the Western teams hovering around the 8 seed... just look out. (Cue Kings losing by 20.)

15. Your Ridiculous Salary Of The Night: Raef LaFriggin'Frentz. Raef, look. We know you're just a salary piece in the blizzard of moves the Blazers made last year. But seriously. 2.2pts, 1.8 boards. .2 Assists? For $11.8Million? Wouldn't that motivate you to at least do something out of guilt, if nothing else? Come back to us baby, Raef, come back to us.

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