Friday, January 11, 2008

15 Footer 1.11.08

15 Reasons To Watch The Games in the NBA Tonight:

1. A Mirror-Image. Only The Other Side Is 10 Times Better/Worse Than You: It's the battle of Big 3 components when Boston heads to Jersey. You just imagine Kidd, Carter, and Jefferson standing there, looking at Garnett, Pierce, and Allen (if the lil' amigo plays), and just feeling crappy about themselves. Which of course means, in true Nets 08 style, they'll go out and win. Hell, if the Grizzlies can do it...

2. The Game Is Slated To Be Over... 10 Minutes Ago: I'm sure when NBA booked Hornet-Heat on a Friday and offered it to ESPN, they were thinking "Here we go. Nice little up and comer in the West for the DWade to score 35 against and Shaq to do his thing and the Heat win, but it's a good game. Awesome." Wrizzong. Paul and the boys are coming in a game and a half back of the Western Conference lead and a half game back of Dallas for the division lead. Miami, meanwhile, is a complete and utter disaster, with Riley under fire, and the best thing going for them is their plane rides. DWade's always dangerous though. The Hornets better find their shot they lost before the Lakers gangbang the other night.

3. If Isiah Thomas Were A Dinosaur, He'd Be A Stegosaurus. With Terrible Manners. And Poor Coaching And Management Skills: The SHOTY is in the warm, friendly confines of MSG tonight, where his boys are taking on the Raptors. You remember the Raptors, right? Outside of the Bosh All-Star video, they've sunk into the tar pits of the middle Eastern Conference (similar to the real Middle East; it's a clusterf*ck). If Isiah were a dinosaur, he'd totally be the stegosaurus. Slow? Yes. Dumb? Hell, yes. But yet resistant to attack thanks to his point exterior. It's a miracle that he survives, yet there he is, swinging his spiky tail and impaling David Lee's career.

4. It's Just Like Linkin Logs (Via The Corndogg): Bryan Colangelo knows how to build basketball teams. He knows what he likes, he knows what works and he finds a great way to join the two and create basketball alchemy. His counterpart tonight, you know who, lives in a bubble. But you know that Isiah would much rather have Curry and Randolph than a guy like Bosh. Because he is functionally retarded.

5.Can They Score That Much In The East?
(Via The Corndogg): Might see the highest scoring game of the year (in the L-Eastern Conference) tonight when Tough Juice and the boys invade ATL. Seriously, just give Brendan Haywood and ZaZa Pachulia a scrabble board and some twizzlers and let the athletes take the floor. I smell another scoreboard fire. Well, unless The Locksmith has something to say about it.

6. The Anderson Varajao Bowl: Why? Because otherwise Andy will never get his own bowl. Bobcats come in, winners of two straight. The Cats are rollin' baby, get out the way! Meanwhile, the Cavs have used Varajao's return to garner 7 wins out of their last 10 games. They'll have something common with the Bobcats tonight, though. No, not that they're both mediocre Eastern teams with no shot of winning the title. No, not a plethora of uninspiring big men. Neither one of them have Varajao on the court tonight. The Troll Doll is sitting out with an elbow. Which means Okafor may be the best big man on the court. Think about that for a second. Okay.

7. The Ghost Of Defensive Player Of The Year Present: Magic at Nuggs tonight. We're anxious to see how new Nuggets blog Pick Axe and Roll : A. Makes the transition to SBNation, and B. Reacts to Big Baby Jesus going bezerk on their interior defense. On a pure talent level, Denver should cream them. But then again, on pure talent level, Denver should cream everybody but the top 6 teams in the league. It's that pesky "actually doing it" thing that always gets in their way. Dwight should pay careful attention tonight to KMart and Camby, two former juggernaut big men who have been reduced to exceptional role players by bad coaching and injury. We don't think this'll happen to BBJ. We just want him to hear the chains rattling.

8. Sorry, There, Brendan. I Was Just Playin'. No, Seriously. 'Useless' Is A Term Of Endearment.: Damn it, Dwyer. You had to bring the issue to the forefront, didn't you. I've learned to skip over the Bullets Forever posts with "Haywood" in the title. But nooo, you had to go and make me read the article. And now I have to face facts. Fine. I've been seeing the signs for a while, anyway. Let me pen the letter.

Dear Brendan Haywood,
I'm sorry for saying that you were a pathetic excuse for an NBA big man and that the Wizards would be best served by tossing your carcass to some Western power looking for bench material. I'm sorry for repeatedly claiming that the biggest thing stopping the Wizards from becoming an Eastern power was a legitimate center. You rock, totally rock.

Hardwood Paroxysm.

9. Blogger Watch: Dream Shake's streak goes for 5. Dinosty's game-planning for Dumbo. As much as we dig FB&G, this kind of Laker happiness makes us want to vomit. No pressure, Hornets.

10. International Lambs To Slaughter Of Mystery: Okay. We're down to our last percentage point of hope that the Lakers will remember how young, inexperienced, and mediocre they are and return to complete suck. If they make it to the end of February, though, we're going to go into full panic mode. Tonight they're on national television, on ESPN. I know! The LAKERS! Are on TV! Thank God! I was afraid we were going to get the Hawks again. Whew. Dodged that bullet. Anyway, they are playing a team that actually IS never TV in the Bucks. We're excited to get a look at Yi, and check on Bogut. Unfortunately, we won't get a chance to, since we'll be throwing our remote through the television by about the 18th "This Laker team could contend for a championship" from the ESPN crew.

11. Perfect Stormile Swift: Grizzlies are at the Oracle tonight, taking on the Dubs after snatching defeat from the Jaws of Victory last night. The Warriors crushed the Grizz back in December during their hotstreak, but things aren't all peachy in the bay. After that awesome win against the Spurs, the vacusuck in offensive systems created by that game has affected the Dubs as well. They didn't show up at all versus Portland. 3 Shades of Blue is skeptical, but we're keeping an eye on the Grizz for an upset tonight. (We're sorry, Memphis fans.)

12. Sweet Dear Holy God YES!!!! (Via The Corndogg): Camby vs. Howard!! I am salivating. If you are reading this blog, you more than likely know why. Good thing we get Bucks/Lakers instead, on the leader. Why, oh Lord, do you torture me so?!?!?!

13. Ridiculous Salary of the Night: $39.4 million. That's Jermaine O'Neal and Jason Kidd combined. Combined record? 34-38. Money means wins. Uh-huh.

14. Random Wikipedia Reference To The NBA: (Ed. Note: We're trying something new today. I pushed the "Random Article" button on Wikipedia. I will now relate that to an NBA team or player. We'll see how it goes. Shut it, it's Friday and Corn ditched me early.)We don't typically think about taking young players with lots of energy and burying them on the bench in a series of mystifying lineups, regardless of the ineptitude they create on court. We also don't typically think about Shakespeare being produced in a musical setting. Yet, that's exactly what the Chicago Bulls and Arthur Sullivan's Tempest composition have in common. Except one is regarded as a masterpiece built on intrigue, and the other is only intriguing in that it may end up costing BlogABull it's life.

15. Numbers And Figures: Here's a fun one. The Sixers have one more win than the Bulls. They're second to worst in their division, while the Bulls are last. Yet the Bulls have a better mathematical record. I love math. You know what Bulls fans love? Watching their team sink from title contender to lottery pick, while their interim coach pretty much stares at the lineup on a chalkboard like it's graduate-level calculus. Wait, did I say "love"? I meant hate, hate, hate, like I hate Hell, All Montagues, And Thee. On the other side of the scorer's table tonight are the Sixers. They've got bright spots, but they're probably going to unload one or several players before the trade deadline. It's not that they're terrible. They're just very efficiently mediocre. But hey, at least they're consistent. The Warriors can't say that.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

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