15 Reasons To Watch the Games In the NBA Tonight:
1. Tuff Juice Goes Worldwide: HP fave Caron "I Can Do No Wrong In Matt's Eyes" Butler is going to be joining Ernie and the gang tonight in studio. We think this is a fantastic opportunity for Butler to showcase the fact that his personality is just as dynamic as Zero's, and that Tuff Juice is, in fact, America's favorite refreshment. We're also glad to see Butler on TV in a scenario where we don't have to live in fear of him being injured. Knock on wood. Watch the lights!
3. Hack A Booze (Via the Corndogg): Duncan aside, no big guy in the West (or probably in the NBA) is smoother and more skilled around the basket than Carlos Boozer. How will the Suns defend him. Perhaps switching Amare "The Human Foul" to Okur, so he can just watch the Big Bomber bricks his long range bombs. Perhaps Marion can use his quickness to combat Boozer's brute power and subtle spin moves. Nah, who are we kidding. Boozer still gets 30!! Wonder what our new buddy would think about that?
4. Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures (Via the Corndogg): Bare in mind, we are only a third of the way through the season, so neither team is desperate (we are just trying to hype up this snooze-athon). But after the spanking Detroit took last night against Dallas, you gotta think they want/need to make a statement tonight in SA. The Spurs are tired of being sick, hurt and would very much like everyone to know that they are still the defending champs. Tonight, one of them gets broken. Chun Li-style.
5. Bad Experiment In NBA Hair (Via the Corndogg): Brad "The Braid" Miller, or his cousin, Brad " The Butt Cut" Miller gets to body up against Pau "I Got Your Butt Cut Right Here" Gasol and Mike "I'm Glad I Got The Ducktail And Monster Bangs Up Top Because I Am As Hairless As A New Born Baby Everywhere Else" Miller. Good Times.
6. Speaking Of Great Halftime Shows (Via the Corndogg): Tonight Only, Mike Miller's Dad. Or we could shoot a half court shot to see who gets to rub Icy Hot all over Ron Ron and Bibby. I bet they both get a great crowd response. Cause, you know, the Maloofs are running out of ideas.
7. I Hope Jason Maxiell Sits On Bruce Bowen's Face And Breaks It Into A Million Little Pieces (Via the Corndogg): We apologize readers. We have not sh*tted on Karate Bruce enough this year. Don't really know why, cause we (expletive) hate that (expletive), mother(expletive), (expletive)licking, (expletive)loving, (expletive)hating, (expletive)sniffing (poopie-headed) dilweed. (Ed. Note: We wanted to run this unedited, but realized that Stern would have us ejected for indecency towards the Spurs. And we all know how much he loves the Spurs. (expletive)sucker.)
8. Sac-Town, Bummer In the City: Back of Mike's thumb gettin' back to healthy. They've been down, isn't it a pity? Doesn't seem to be a shadow of Kevin Martin in the building. All around player playin' half-dead, even with Artest crazier than a crack head. But tonight it's a different world. C'mon John Salmons and go a whirl. C'mon, c'mon, it's the Grizz tonight. Despite injuries it'll be allright. And Bibby, don't you know it's pity? Miller can't play like Vladi, it's a bummer, in King-city, it's a bummer, in King-city.
9. Insert Spurs Reference Here: (Insert Player For Spurs) is really playing well this season. He's so efficient on offense and is able to work really well in the system. Coach Popovich is using him, along side (insert player here) in great tandem. While other teams may be doing things like dunking and running and entertaining their fans, the Spurs are playing fundamental basketball. The best thing about the team of (insert player, insert player, and insert player) is their fundamental nature to play sound fundamental basketball. They fundamentally have a great respect for the fundamental basketball that is so fundamentally important to fundamental basketball. Fundamental, fundamental, fundamental.
10. What They Haven't Mentioned Is That He'll Be Miming All His Curse Words: So Sloan has banned cameras from the locker room areas (not to be confused with the bathing-suit areas). Luckily, we're pretty sure this is just going to prompt the camera men to continually watch him in case he mouths some sort of expletive unmiked, just to prove a point. Why? Because you don't f*ck with Ernie's crew. That's why.
11. Trillion Watch: Alando Tucker was dangerously close to a 2 Trillion the other night, committing a foul to save himself. We believe, though. You can do it, Alando, you spear-headed rookie! Do nothing! Do nothing like the wind!
12. Is That Really An Award You Want?: Reggie Theus is the latest rage in coach-of-the-year fuzziness, but we were wondering if you really want that award. "Congratulations! You did the best job with such a horrible mess of a team, we gave you this award! Congratulations, and we're sorry!"
13. Pre-Emptive Vomit: We're pretty sure Nash came down with this stomach bug when he realized he'd have to play the Jazz tonight. After how uninspiring and frustrating they've been, we really can't blame him. Of course, if they lose tonight, Steve's gonna make that pea-soup maching in the Exorcist look she just needed some Pepto-Bismal.
14. Dallas On TNT. You Know What That Means!: Chuck, we're telling you. It's time. We've given you every reason in the world. It's Jub-Jub time. You're due. Just slip it in there, Wedding Crasher style. "The Dallas frontcourt is deep. DEEP, man. Terry, and Harris and Jose Juan Barrea (Jub-Jub)." Just slip it in. You can do it. C'mon, Chuck. Don't let us down.
15. Milsapp That Ass (Via the Corndogg): Though he sounds like a lumberjack, and plays like one, Paul Milsapp ain't no Ostertag. And while such a statement could mean a lot of things, we take it to mean that he plays hard, is liked by Jerry Sloan and he can rebound. Yep, it definitely means that. Which also means bad news for the Suns, especially on the defensive boards.