Thursday, January 24, 2008

15 Distractions From Negative Basketball

We're still stunned at how terrible the games are in the NBA Tonight. Normally we do 15 Reasons To Watch The Games. But we couldn't do it, not with this level of suck. So...




15 Better Things To Watch Than The Games In The NBA Tonight:





1. Dead Bodies Everywhere! Which Is A Lot Like The Heat: CSI NY features a story about a murder in a hospital room tonight. That's right, Heat fan(s). You can see it, can't you? A simple smothering with a pillow, ending this season forever. But no, no. You will be on life-support indefinitely. Also, why haven't they done a CSI: NY on the integrity of the New York Knicks organization? It wouldn't be the most clever case, but you could get that dude from Jericho to play David Lee.





2. Sad, Acoustic Songs And McPredictable Plotlines: If you're married, you know tonight as that night. Gray's Anatomy. You can recognize it by the soft whispers of acoustic rock and the sounds of your woman's tears hitting the pillow for the 18th episode in a row. It's a sad show. Almost every single episode ends with someone dying or breaking up or being generally sad. Kind of like how most Nets' team meetings must go.




3. Ugly Yi: "Betty thinks she has been assigned to interview a great novelist, but the interviewee turns out to be a lesser writer with the same name." That's the actual plotline of tonight's Ugly Betty. Doesn't this sound a lot like "Yi thinks he's been assigned to play for a real NBA team, but the team turns out to be a lesser team called the Milwaukee Bucks?"

4. Are You Smarter Than David Harrison?: Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader tonight features the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. We have no joke good enough for that. Meanwhile, we do think it would be a good idea to have David Harrison, stoned out of his mind, on this show. You could even make Jamal Tinsley his partner. If they lose, the Pacers get to release them for free. Win, and they get lifetime contracts and all the ammo and ganj they can carry!




5. Chuck Squared: Chuck and Charles Barkley are both on TV tonight. Hijinx ensue! If you were to make a story about an unlikely secret agent, wouldn't you put Mike Dunleavey, Jr. as the star? We would. Seriously. They both have the same confused smile and goofy hair. It's perfect!




6. You're Fired: Celebrity Apprentice is on tonight! Lord, let's hope Sarver's not watching this tonight and gets an itchy trigger finger. Anyway, if there were an NBA celebrity Apprentice, we'd pretty much just want the Nets on it. Seeing them backstab one another while Bostjan Nachbar eats a cream sickle would be way better than whatever celebrities they have on tonight, or watching the Nets play.




7. I Wish I Was: Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey is on Animal Planet this evening, for those of you who love the fuzzy hearts. Here's an idea. Redub the film, only replace Don Ameche with Stephen Jackson, Michael J. Fox with Boom Dizzle, and Sally Fields with Monta Ellis. What? It's about the same thing!




8. En Vogue De Ginobili: Project Runway is on this evening. Don't you imagine Manu Ginobili, sitting in his hotel room, watching this show, and mimicking the runway walk? Debating whether he would look good in silk? No? Jut us? I mean, we don't either. Because that would be weird. And awkward. God, we hate that guy.




9. Tonight's Word Is... Suckey: Colbert Report tonight...Yes the Heat have fallen on some hard times (like New Coke). Sure they're facing limited cap space for the next few years (of the 22nd Century). But with that kind of leadership (much like the Iraqi government), they're sure to conquer (much like the Iraqi government). And yes, Shaq may be banged up sometimes (like the high school slut), and Ricky Davis may have an itchy trigger finger (see:Rambo). But Pat Riley has been around long enough to lead this team out of this slump (and into a deep dark hole never to be heard from again). Don't you worry, Heat fans (because there are only two of you). Things will get brighter (OJ Mayo is Satan)!

10. Oh, Man, This One Writes Itself: Survivorman: Plane Crash tonight. Which one you want? Heat? Nets? Bucks? No, no, let's go for the more realistic angle. Ahem...."This is pretty much what it's like to be in Jamal Tinsley's posse."

11. They Could Use Some Touch Up Work: We imagine Stephen Jackson watching Celebrity Plastic Surgery and taking notes for when he has to change his face while running from the authorities for killing a wild rhino at the zoo or something. Seriously. When this guy retires there should just be a camera crew with him all the time. He'll make Oakley look like Kurt Rambis.

12. Behold The Face Of The Undraftable Fodder: The WWL has Duke at Virginia Tech tonight. Corn will be watching with rapt attention, hated Duke fan that he is. He started trying to convince me Josh McRoberts was going to be a solid NBA player once upon a time. Yeah, about that.



13. The Only Thing Possibly Funnier Than Watching Michael Redd's Shooting Percentage Plummet: Mel Brooks' History of the World Part 1 is on FMC tonight. The Gregory Hines eunuch scene cracks us up every time. Mel Brooks is one of the funniest writers in the history of comedy, maybe the funniest. When I found out my wife doesn't like Blazing Saddles, I almost broke up with her right there. But then, she willingly goes to things like Transformers with me, so she wins in the end.




14. I'm Trapped In Some Sort Of Loop Of Unending Suck: Psycho-thriller Flightplan is on FX tonight. There seems to have been about a hundred psycho-thriller movies set on planes in the last ten years. Much like there seems to have been about a hundred uninspiring Pacers teams over the last 10 years. Coincidence? I think not.



15. I Got Something To Decode, Deez.: Decoding The Past: Mayan Doomsday Prophecy on the History Channel. Hopefully this will give us some insight as to how a small-market team from San Antonio featuring international talent and Brent F'ing Barry has turned into the greatest Basketball Dynasty since MJ's Bulls. Or at least a way to stop Ginobili's kick and drive (hint: make him go right).

 
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