John Salmons? Really? John Salmons.
That's all we have to say about that.
Also, is it okay with everyone if we just never speak of that Raptors/Clippers game again? Ever? Thanks.
15 Reasons to Watch the Games of the NBA Tonight:
1. It's Like That Scene With The Polar Bears In The Golden Compass, Only Without The Godlessness: (Note: We have nothing against Godlessness. We like the Warriors, for God's sake. ) Don't get us wrong. We think the Magic are a good team. We seem to be the only people not headed for the emergency exits on them. But they still have to prove themselves. And the Pacers are cute, and the Wiz are admirable. And the Raptors are intensely likable. But as long as the Bulls are playing with their own poo behind the 7-11, there are two teams in the East. Pistons and Celtics. They play tonight. On TV. It's not even at halftime of a Lakers' game or anything. Kobe isn't reffing, even. El Tigre Monstruoso vs. The Sheed. Ray Allen Vs. Mr. Big Shot. Maxiell vs. Big Baby Davis. Thank you, Tantric NBA Gods, thank you.
2. The Western Conference Is The Street Fight From Anchor Man: Because you can't just fight one team, you have to go through nine of them. (For the record, we think the Jazz are Public News Channel, and the Mavs are definitely Luke Wilson: "God! I did NOT see that coming!"). Tonight Phoenix is in Dallas for round two. Here's what we love. The Suns beat one of the best teams in the league, if not the best, Parker or no Parker. And for some reasons, they have multiple articles out criticizing them (though in a loving way). So if they beat a still damn good Dallas team on the road tonight, we're pretty sure people will say they take too many shots, or score too many points. Maybe they create too many turnovers. Jesus, if San Antonio beat them without Matrix, people would be ready to crown their ass (more so than they are now). We still agree that San Antonio is the best team in the league, but it would be nice if someone were to notice the defensive improvement Grant Hill is providing.
3. Big Baby Jesus Is Not Impressed With Your Dragon God: Yao Ming vs. Dwight Howard tonight in Houston. Grace and elegance versus raw power and athleticism. We're usually inclined to go with the veteran in these situations, but BBJ has just added too much to his game. Meanwhile, as we said earlier, we're not jumping off the wagon yet. We think this team has too much talent, too much coaching, too much Howard to stay on the snide for long. This one is probably going to be a brickfest snoozer, but it could be a high scoring battle between Yao TMac and Rash BBJ.
4. Brandon Roy And Ini Kamoze Have A Lot In Common (Murdeh-ra): They're both the Hotstepper. The Blazers are the hottest 1 game over .500 team in the NBA. They can become the hottest team two games over .500 if they can get past streaky Toronto. The matchups are alluring in this one. But Toronto should win, right. Right? Right?
5. If I Were You, I Would Just Turn Off The Lights And Pretend No One Is In The Building (Via The Corndogg): This means you, Memphis. Good thing this one is at home, or you would probably lose by 40. You are getting a pissed off Spurs team, fresh off their first home loss to the hated Suns, determined to annihilate the next thing they see. This means you, Memphis. If Duncan went for 36 and 17 against the Suns, while everyone else had a off night, how blood-lustful can you expect them to be against their next opponent? This means you, Memphis. If Santa comes up the Mississippi tonight, I would ask for invisibility. Or some Astro Glide. This means you, Memphis.
6. Go On Lebron, I Triple Dog Dare You (Via The Corndogg): Just once tonight, after you yet again are carrying your atrocious team (sans Ilgauskus, whom we love) to another hard fought victory over a terrible team, will you pretty please convince your personal bitch to let you, for one glorious, transcendent possession to play 1-on-5 against the Knicks. Then, as you take flight from the free throw line with 3 guys draped all over you (Crawford and Robinson will already be cherry picking) and slam all over ZBo, Curry and something else wearing a Knicks jersey, we will truly be able to call for Isiah's head. Then, after the play, when you go rip Jimmy Dolan's medulla oblongata out of his fat head and send it to Stern for a christmas present, will you shine your beautiful light all over the world, during this - your most holiest of seasons.
7. Hey Guys, What About Me? (Via The Corndogg): You have to figure that every time little Ray Felton reads about the inseperable career arcs of CP3 and D-Will, he breaks out into hives. Although taken just after those two, Felton has had nary the rocket-like progression the other 2 young superstars have had. Perhaps its because Phil Ford is always drunk and trying to teach Felton how to run the 4 corners. It could also be his lack of team chemistry (or not, as seen with CP3). But really, I blame it on Jordan. Because I blame everything that goes wrong with the Bobcats on Jordan. Because he is a sunt.
8.You're The Reason God Made Oklahoma (Via The Corndogg): So, the former OKC team and the future? OKC team meet tonight in Seattle. Wouldn't it be weird if there were more Hornets fans there than Sonics fans. I'm just saying. Also, watch the David West vs. Chris Wilcox matchup to see if we can determine who wins the "Best forward that no one knows/cares about because they play with another attention grabbing superstar who most people believe is the only reason 'said' forward is any good in the first place and because there is no prominent media outlet for either forward or their respective team and even if their was, they still would not get adequate attention" award. It's on my mid-season ballot.
9. We're Not Joking When We Say The Best Thing About These Teams Are Their Bloggers: Seriously. You've got Boom Dizzle and Golden State of Mind vs. Britt Robson on The Rake and TWolves Blog. This is heavy weight battle of epic proportions. What, the actual game? Oh, Warriors cruise (you're welcome, T-wolves fans. Trust us.).
10. From "NBA Champion" To "Team You're Supposed To Beat": We feel weird saying the Hawks need to beat the Heat tonight, because they should. It feels awkward. Like some guy standing too close to you in the urinal. Only without the disturbing part. Wait, Ricky Davis is involved. Nevermind, it's exactly like that.
11. Waiting For The Extension: How great would it be if after today's PR disaster of a fan anti-rally, Dolan came out and gave him another extension? Just a big ol' giant FU to the entire Knicks Nation. We've wondered before how long it will be before this becomes a Bastille situation. We wouldn't be surprised if Cleveland has to be evacuated through the tunnels as the hordes descend.
12. They Better Hop Him Up On Horse Steroids And Red-Bull: Let's look at Detroit's bench versus Boston's bench. So all we're saying is, Garnett, Allen, and Pierce better play 35 minutes+ tonight. This Detroit team doesn't take lightly to being called "second-best." They're known to kill a man for less.
13. If They Lose This Game, They're Going D-League: We know the schedule is completely random, but doesn't it feel like the Jazz have kept playing teams, losing, and then playing a worse team with each loss? Tonight they're in Charlotte. This is it, boys. This is the last stop before Albuquerque. And you don't want to see Albuquerque.
14. Trillion Watch: Apparently the trillion has a freaking Wikipedia page. If it gets one, somebody oughta put up a 15 Footer Page. We're usually not jealous of obscure, pointless recognition, but seriously! Stephane Lasme, Ronald Dupree, Josh McRoberts, Shavlik Randolph, Alando Tucker.
15.Mom! What Can I Do About This? I Think I Got A Case Of The Stefanskis (Via The Corndogg): As gross as that sounds, it might actually be therauetic. Philly, so constipated and unable to move at the beginning of the season has really eaten the Stefanski " Colon Blow" and loosened up a bit recently. Now, Iggy and the boys are a little lighter on their feet, really digging in deep on D, stuffing some balls and playing like a champion. Here's hoping they dominate the Pacers tonight and keep up their long improvement.(ed. note - I swear I am straight)
(Other Ed. Note...I...I mean...and that's Corn.)
*Note, apparently this is just a "Rise Up and Fight, My People" kind of day. Somebody cue the Marley...