Friday, November 30, 2007

The Weekend Bank Shot 11.30.07

We don't want to leave you hanging over the weekend, so we're expanding this from Friday through Sunday. Enjoy! Also, if anyone wants to go ahead and start prepping their resumes, I'm sure the Knicks front office will be having some openings any day now.

15 Reasons to Watch the Games of the National Basketball Association This Weekend

1. We Always Liked The Hammer Helmet Best: Okay, Jamario. We've been quiet on you all week. Here's your shot. We like the stat lines. We like the highlight films. You've got the Lebronites sans Lebron, so... just the Ites tonight and the Zero-Zero Wizz tomorrow. You show up and punch this through for the Raps, you'll be our new favorite hero. Which will of course doom you to mediocrity, injury, and failure. But still! People will know who you are! Go Super Jamario! Go!

2. He'll Make You Fishers Of Men: Derek Fisher has been the veteran influence the Lakers have needed this season. If the Lakers aren't a complete and utter sham that will fall apart like a flan in a cupboard by the All-Star break, Fisher will be the guy to lead them. If they want to keep up the happy happy joy joy party they've started this season, they need to man up because they've got the Jazz tonight and the Big Baby Jesus monster on Sunday. Good luck with that, kids.

3.Return Of The Mc (Via The Corndogg): Christmas has again come early for HP. Jelani McCoy is on the bench for the Nuggets. Who? Yeah, that guy. Back in the day he was a McDonald's All American who was paid to play for Jim Harrick. Now, he is paid to play for George Karl. Both handle their teams the same way, with indifference, little attention to detail and appalled by chemistry. Good thing for us too, because the Big Mick should get some serious run after Melo tried to go all Undertaker on Sasha Vujocic last night. The Braided One might be sitting this one out. But honestly, Va-jay-jay probably deserved to get choked. So, in our book, Melo should get out of this.

4. He's So Well Spoken (Via The Corndogg): That is about the only great thing you can say about Isiah now. Honestly (and again, sorry Posting and Toasting), but this is the single funniest headline I have ever read. So, in short, the Knicks will beat the Bucks by 15, while dishing out 25 assists on their 38 field goals. And they will blow them out of the East River in rebounding. "The NBA: Where Inconceivable Happens."

5.Thank You Sir, May I Have Another (Via The Corndogg): More Lakers Tonight!!!! I hope Vujocic comes out wearing a neck brace (ed. note, That picture really does look like Vujocic). I hope Kobe carelessly scores 30. I hope Bynum and Turiaf perform their own version of the Dunk Contest. I HOPE THEY LOSE BY 45!!!! At least they play HP fav, Utah, who coincidentally, were the last team to lose to the Knicks. OUCH. Please NBA karma god thingy, let Boozer rain down upon these pricks like brimstone. Please!!!!
In other news, The Zen Master got a contract extension . Guess he really believes in these young guys. But, faith and a bag of feathers won't by you much. See: Thomas, Isiah.

6.CP3's Empire Strikes Back (Via The Corndogg): Thank Lucas, the Hornets get to leave K-ville (yeah, I don't watch it either. I apologize for using it as a reference) and play in front of a slightly somewhat more enthusiastic crowd at the uhh, wait a minute, what's that name... forget it. They get to play at the "whatever" dome in Atlanta against the team that is still kicking itself for not drafting him 3 years ago. And the Bugs need this one badly, dropping 4 of their last 5 after that crazy hot start. But CP3 was very honest and forthcoming last night in studio with Kenny, Charles and Ernie about how good his team is. He even Guaranteed they would be in the playoffs. Beating teams that you are supposed to, like the Hawks, would be a terrific start.

7. In The Real World This Is Referred To As "Slumming": After hanging a fat one on the Knickerbockers, the Celtics get Miami tonight before the possibly No-Bron Cavs on Sunday. The Heat have been looking better lately, funny how that works when you get your best player (only good player?) back. Wade may need to draw a bazillion fouls tonight, and Z better hope El Tigre is feeling full after the feasting.

8.What Does Marko Jaric Have That I Don't Have: Marko, Marko, Marko! If you are Manu or Oberto, you have to be dumbfounded by this. You are an NBA Champion. You are foreign. You are both good looking guys (in that foreign sort of way). You play in a city that at leasts attracts other top female talent. The best female talent in Minneapolis is freakin' Prince, for chrissakes. But now, Marko Jaric gets to bed this???? I mean, c'mon guys, at least you share a continent with the lady. Jaric is from freaking Yugoslavia. They can't vacation there. And he probably has to keep Antoine Walker from sucking Adriana's toes when she walks into the locker room. I mean, seriously. But at least you, Manurto, have the satisfaction of knowing that you two play well together, you both work hard, sacrifice and you are both winners. Well, not in life. That would be Jaric. But at least on the court. And that's gotta count for something, right?

9. And Although He Is No Marko Jaric, You Must Now Believe That Lamarcus Aldridge Is Somehow, Probably Shoving 4 Leaf Clovers In His Jock : Talk about good fortune. First, you get passed over in the draft by the putrid Bulls. Then, you are though highly enough of to get Zach Randolph hurled into this. Then, you get a year to be the man while Oden recovers. Now, you get to make a trip back close to your home town of Seagoville, TX and show the suddenly vulnerable Mavs that they should have been suckling at your teat years ago when you were in high school. Except for the fact that your team is still a project, you've lost 7 of your last 8, you best backup is Joel Pryzbilla and you still have to look down at the end of the bench at this, I'd say you are pretty well set. Oh, and you know how terrible the Mavs are playing against inferior competition. So you got that going for you, which is nice.

10. And This One Was Juuuuuust Right: The Nets play Philadelphia Saturday and Detroit on Sunday. Which is appropriate, because that's pretty much where the Nets are.Better than the Sixers, worse than the Pistons. We're at Kidd Defcon 3 right now. If things don't improve... aw, hell, he's never getting out of there. What is it with God and keeping great point guards from championships lately?

11. If We Can Slow The Beast, We Can Take Him Down!: Orlando's got Phoenix and LA this weekend, which is a rather interesting transposition. You've got Orlando with three superstars, tremendous talent, and no bench. Then there's LA, with little veteran leadership, nothing but young bumpkins, and only one legitimate superstar. Orlando goes 2-0, we're joining Shanoff on the Dwight Howard 4 MVP train.

12. It Was Fun While It Lasted: The Clip are 3-7. That sound you hear is us crying a little bit. Wait. Oh, yeah. Nevermind, life is wonderful!

13. The Light At The End Of The Tunnel? That's A Train: The Knicks have to make it past a very good Bucks team tonight. Then they get a whole day off. Before the Phoenix Suns NBA Jam Turbo Edition of Doom comes to town. So if you know any Knick fans, please, take any sharp objects and put them away from them.

14. Trillion Watch! : Ryan Bowen. Mario West. Anyone that plays for the New York Knickerbockers.

15. Your Ridiculous Salary Of The Night: Jamario Moon for $427K. This is the opposite of our usual selections. Keep in mind that Andre Miller is making $9 MILLION this year. And he's pretty good. But they're getting Jamario Moon for $427K. He's only making slightly less than Jo Paterno. Think about that. And enjoy your weekend.

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