Friday, November 9, 2007

15 Footer 11.9.07

Fifteen Reasons to Watch Tonight's NBA Games:

National Games:
ESPN 8:00EST: Denver at Washington
ESPN 10:30EST: Cleveland at Sacramento

1. It's The Fall Gonna Kill You, Zero. :
Denver and Washington meet tonight, in what has to be called a course correction game. Both teams have suffered painful losses, both teams have superstars that are under-performing, and both are horrid on defense. Tonight one of them has to rise above, or else we end up with a 44-44 tie and Stern banishes them to the nether regions, and I don't mean Roseanne Barr's underpants. There's an image for you. By the way, this will also feature the Wiz seeking to find new and exciting ways to lose games.

2. One's Got Epcot Center, The Other Has Isiah's Pants. It's A Wash.: Them Knickerbockers are playing pretty well, especially in crashing the boards, and putting points up. Meanwhile, the Magic have been kicking the crap out of everyone but the Pistons. Big Baby Jesus has been dropping double doubles like they were nothing, and Rashard Lewis has been pulling off the NBA Jam bit. Tonight, we'll find out which one's legit, and which one will quit. For what it's worth, we don't bet against Big Baby Jesus. Ever.

3. Wade's Not Hurt, He's Just Trying To Reach 1.21 Giggawatts: Phoenix has been all over the place. Beat the Sonics. Get smacked by the Lakers. Knock out the Cavs and shellac the Bobcats. Get bruised by the Hawks. Now they find themselves against the Heat. Shaq says he's still the baddest man on the planet. We're quite envious. We wish we had fallen over on the toilet and invented the Flux capacitor. Then we could go back to 2000, too! We'd be rockin' out with Kid Rock, enjoying the sweet freedom of post-Y2K salvation, and Shaq would still kick ass! If the Suns can't beat the Heat (get it?), they should stay out of... yeah, we can't even finish that.

4. And Now, For Their Next Trick, World Domination!: The Celtics scored 77 the other night. In the first half. I immediately texted Corndogg to tell him this. His reaction? "Holy Balls." And that pretty much sums that up. The Celtics are displaying a rare combination of intensity, focus, dominance, showmanship, and humility (they took off the burners in the second half, that earned a lot of points with us. The Patriots could learn a thing or two.). They face the Hawks tonight, in a Future vs. Now game. Guess who's going to walk out with the W? We're not betting against the Celtics again this year. Ever. We don't care if they're playing San Antonio, God, Battlecat, that thing from 1-18-08, the BFG, or an actual dinosaur.

5. Mighty Mouse, Meet The Big Giant Mousetrap of Doom Consistency: Clippers face the Pistons tonight at the Palace at Auburn Hills. This is the true test. If the Clippers actually pull this off, we're going to be A-Goddamn-Mazed. We'll start printing up "Kaman 4 MVP" shirts and renting Billy Crystal movies. Okay, maybe not that far, but we'll at least watch reruns of Comic Relief on VHS.

6. "An Argentinian, A Frenchman, A D&D Enthusiast, And A Guy Named Oberto Walk Into A Bar": San Antonio continues the slug army march of doom into New Orleans tonight, to face off against the upstart Hornets. Of all the Western Big 4 (PHX, SA, Mavs, HOU), I think New Orleans matches up best against the Spurs. Sure, Tyson Chandler is going to have a night that will haunt his dreams for the rest of the season (or until they play again and it's replaced with a similar nightmare) against Duncan. But who's going to guard West? Parker's amazing, but is he better than CP3 (21 assists, ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?)? Peja will have problems against Ginobli, but Ginobli's going to get his. If Peja can fire back, they can hang in this thing. The Hornets need to get big production from the bench, though, or the Spurs will erode them to death. I'm so glad this is on TV. Wait...what? It's not? What game did ESPN pick up? You have got to be kidding me!

7. The Battle of Who Could Care Less: It's LeBron! It's... LeBron! It's... LeBron! Um... LeBron Lebron LeBron! I'm trying to conceptualize what nitwit at ESPN programming came up with this. They may have had Artest at the point this decision was made. Fine. And Bibby's a gamer. But seriously. Did you think this was going to be a game? Even then? What's worse is that Cleveland has backtracked. They're even more inept than they were last season when they LeBronned their way to the Finals. This game is going to make you want to throw up. Way to push people away, numskulls. I mean, I can understand it, though. After all, it's not like there's another game on people around the world would want to...wait a second....

8. Yao! Yi! Yo! Yo-gi!: So while that fantastic suckfest defensive struggle is going on on the Leader, China's two biggest NBA stars will be fighting in what is actually primed to be a pretty good contest. Plus, it's being watched by the entire nation of China. This is the most ridiculous part about ESPN's coverage of the Kings-Cavs game tonight. This game has all the international intrigue the league could possibly want. I could watch this game in Nanjing China, but not here in Austin, three hours away from the game. Real men of genius. The Rockets are playing some sick defense and rebounding well to boot. Meanwhile the Bucks just keep on winning, right behind the Rockets in rebounding differential in 4th place. This team has the pieces to be really good when they put it together, and really bad when they don't. They better put it together, because the Rockets have come out blazing this season.

9. Big Al Versus Big Andy (And Kobe, Too!): Things have settled down a bit in Lakers land after the Hornets put them back in place. But this T-Wolves team is young and barely put together. The best matchup to watch is the two young big men, as Bynum faces off against Al Jefferson. Jefferson is coming into his own now that anyone not named Doc Rivers is coaching him. The Wolves can hang with teams, and this Lakers squad has already shown a preponderance of dominating teams, and then disappearing just as fast.

10. The Good, The Bad, And The Bobcats (via the Corndogg): These guys need Raymond Felton back in the worst way. League high turnovers last game. Wallace and JRich as lost as Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's Vacation . Jeff McGinnis!?!?! They would be better off with Phil Ford running the 4 Corners after he knocked back a pony keg of Heineken. We said they were walking a very thin line coming into the season. And they ain't no Johnny Cash right about now. Jeff McGinnis!?!?!Tonight they face off against the surprisingly 3-1 Pacers, though if you look at the stats, that might be an anomaly. I'm sure Mike Dunleavy Jr. doesn't care about numbers, though. He just cares about buckets. And pasties. I'm sure he loooves pasties.

11. "Just Wait Till Next Year!" Spectacular Show 5!: I doubt you know this, but the Blazers drafted a pretty highly touted Sequoia tree last spring, only he got hurt. That's too bad. He might have made a difference. Now they're going to have to face the suddenly very competitive Grizzlies with LaMarcus Aldridge who's actually been surprisingly good. Roy has been up and down, but he should have the advantage over the Grizzlies' point guards tonight. In other news, Pau Gasol is a stud.

12. See, It's Ironic Because Seattle Has Music and Utah Has...Loud...Noises?: Kevin Durant and The Good Try Trio (Chris Wilcox, Damien Wilkins, Earl Watson) will attempt to get over the hump against what can adequately be described as a pretty funky team in a pretty un-funky town. Hot Stuff and company managed to beat a team not named the Warriors on Wednesday, outlasting LeBron and the LeBronites. Now they get the KDu show. Somehow I doubt the Sonics are going to have the firepower to overcome the Jazz. But then again, I thought the Blair Witch Project was good. So....

13. For Our Next Trick, We'll Be Losing Blindfolded, While Winning Both In The Paint And On The Perimeter: We were stunned at how the Wiz have been losing. Then came the 20 point blown lead last night to lose to Jigga's soldiers. Now we're kind of rooting for them to lose, if only to see what they're going to pull next? This is no normal getting out-classed, out-hustled, out-smarted losing. Last night they managed to shoot the ball better, shoot the 3 better, have fewer turnovers, have fewer fouls, have a 20 point freaking lead, and STILL lost. This is the most amazing losing streak we've seen. Give us more, Zero!

14. I Can See Clearly Now That Brand Has Gone (via the Corndogg): Things are looking good for HP favorites, the Clips. Not only are the playing the older Pistons tonight, but they are coming off a drubbing from the Bulls last night and their legs will not be fresh. Expect Maximus, Cassell, and Mobley to jungle dance all around Billups and Co. outside. Who cares how well Kaman plays underneath, it wont' mean a thing if the "shorts" (a term I am coining to go alongside the ridiculousness of Hubie Brown's "bigs") burn the nets down. This game should play out like original NBA JAM on Ninetendo, with the Clips looking like Barkley and KJ, while the Pistons favor Clarence Weatherspoon and Jeff Hornacek.

15. When Bad XBOX Games Happen To Sometimes Decent People (via the Corndogg): What kind of world is it where a high-rolling, rain-making NBA player is safer in da club than in front of his own plasma? Yesterday, apparently. The Nuggets have lost yet another Melo-lite role player when Nene (or as we refer to him, Nono) tore a thumb ligament and is out up to 6 weeks. Now, I know the Wizards want to win tonight (and spoil Melo's homecoming), but did Arenas have to get his HALO team to take Nono out just so they have a shot? There goes Zero, putting his money, and henchmen, where his mouth is.

Props to:
Awful Announcing
The Fanhouse

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