Tuesday, November 6, 2007

15 Footer 11.6

This one should be considerably easier and less obscure video game character referencing than yesterday's debacle.

15 Reasons to Watch Tonight's NBA Games.

1. They're A Lot Like Primal Fear, In A Way: The Suns have been completely schizo in the first three games. Play good not great versus Seattle, get neck-punched by the Lakers at home, play a terrible first half against the Cavs, then turn it on, rebound, and demolish LeBron and the LeBronites. They better show up with the Jessica version of Nikki tonight, because...

2. These Ain't Your Daddy's, Older Brother's, Slightly Older Twin Brother's Bobcats: It's early. But this team was supposed to be better, and they are. Gerald Wallace is doing his thing. Jason Richardson is shooting a lot, and bound to get more accurate. They're shooting 48% as a team. Yes, I'm aware it's three games, but it's what we've got to work from. Throw me a bone here. They're young, opportunistic, and Emeka "Oak" Okafor is averaging a double-double. This one could be fun.

3. It's Similar To The Battle Of Hoth, Or, Something Less Geeky Involving Good And Evil: So you've got New Orleans. Young shining superstar (CP3), dynamic team of grizzled veterans (Peja, the bitter Tyson Chandler). Woebegotten city facing massive rebuilding. Then, there's LA. Defeated, but not destroyed. Rising back to strength, despite their obstacles. Led by an egomaniac. This is an interesting matchup for a number of reasons, from the Bynum-Chandler matchup to the Derek Fisher vs. Peja matchup. If Jordan Farmar is able to help his team enough versus CP3 and company? Look out. Those Kobe trade rumors will be over like last year's fall line.

4. The Unfathomably Stoppable Force Versus The Incredibly Movable Object: Man, we like anybody that gets to play the Warriors. They couldn't stop a drugged up poodle. Or the Kings. Probably the Heat, but that's a whole other story. But then, we like anybody that gets to play the Cavs. Because essentially, it's LeBron James, Z, and the cast of a TBS sitcom. And by that, I mean you wouldn't recognize any of them outside of Drew Gooden. We could see anything. LeBron could score 50 and Z could get a double double and the Cavs roll. Stephen Jackson could beat the crap out of Boobie in the parking lot before the game. Boom Dizzle could have one of those nights. Brendan Wright could actually see the light of friggin' day and do some damage. Anything. This kind of game is the real reason the NBA is interesting. Not that it'll be a great game. Because it's totally and completely ridiculous.

5. You Have Angered Big Baby Jesus. Prepare to be Smoten: Dwight Howard got smoked by the Pistons on Saturday. He's probably not going to react well to that. The Wolves are coming off of a huge win. But Jefferson vs. Howard is not even, not yet. Expect for Howard to go all Gomorrah on the the Wolves. Or maybe Beowulf. Damn it, we're confusing our mythologies.

6. The Winner Will Receive Lake Huron: The Raptors face the Bucks tonight. Doesn't that sound like a mismatch? A 6 foot tall dinosaur that ate Samuel L. Jackson against... a deer? The Raps will probably try and take a similar approach as their namesake tonight, sending Bosh against Bogut and Bargnani against Yi, and then having TJ Ford, Calderon, and Garbosa to attack from the sides. Clever girl.

7. And Anuchas Might Come Flying Out Of My Butt (via the Corndogg):Carmelo Anthony is a generous man which is more than you can say about a lot of professional athletes, unless you classify "generous" as helping struggling exotic dancers to feed their 6 children. However, a source close to HP tells me that he is making his greatest donation today, as a group called "The Flying Anuchas" will come para-gliding in to MSG and land on top of some fatheads replicas of Jimmy Dolan, Isiah, and "Get in the Truck" Marbury. And then, after the fight ensues, Melo can protect himself. And now, a limerick.

There once was a fight with the Nuggets
The Knick were mad 'bout a bucket.
Isiah was cryin'
Then Melo came flying
And Karl told Isiah to suck it.

8. IlgOWWWWskus (via the Corndogg): Seriously, how is he going to survive tonight. The Warriors look like a mid-major college team. First, because they can't compete on the pro level (read the "fugly") and secondly, because they are all undersized and just run like crazy. The Cavs, actually, aren't that different. Except they have LBJ. But how in the world is the Big Z, with his shaky knees and the shaky lineup around him, gonna cope when the other 9 players on the court just blister up and down like a bunch of Roadrunners? He could always just lie down on half court and trip people that run by. Just not Lebron, though, Z. Your season is pretty much over anyway. Why rush it? See, that's just your style.

9. Clip-A-Bull (via the Corndogg): Cannot wait for all the trade talk to start on the pre game as L.A. comes to town to battle the struggling Bulls. Maybe all the rumors have really had an effect on the young psyche of this Bulls team. But, they can silence the critics once and for all with a dominating performance tonight (hear that Ben Wallace??) Well, it's still early, I suppose.

Oh, wait! This just in. The Bulls are playing the OTHER L.A. team tonight? Really? They are still in L.A.? You can't be serious? And Tim Thomas is playing great? Where do you get these jokes?
At least its a homecoming for Maximus 50, aka Corey Maggette. He's from the Chi-town burbs. Well, you stay classy, Los Angeles Clippers.

10. Now That's What I Call "Entertainment!" Or "Poor Perimeter Defense!" (via the Corndogg): Not since Lewis and Martin have we seen this much excitement on one stage. My "fav" team, Phoenix, comes to the Cackalack tonight to take on my home state Bobcats. I should have gotten tickets. However, this is going to be supremely watchable, if you have magic and can re-program your TV to pick up this un-televised game. Two teams that fly all over the court, have superstars who always looks one fall away from total destruction (I'm looking at you Gerald Wallace and Grant Hill) and the mesmerizing confines of Bobcat Arena. OK, well maybe you aren't as excited as I am. But hey, some times it's just the simple things. GO SUN-CATS!!!!

11. Age Ain't Nothin' But The Number Of Years I Been Bangin': New Jersey might still be rocking and rolling with Trip-Dub threat Jason Kidd, who is Old, Old, Old, (even older than Nash, who everyone assumes is gonna break down any second. Why not Kidd?) but they also boast the player who is currently beating Sam Cassell in an "Age-Off" contest. And that is Darrell Armstrong. Seems like just yesterday, he was saddled with the worst dunk in Slam Dunk Contest history. And, he actually came into the league the same year as Garnett. For Real. But man, he is like the Sybil of Cumae, just waiting for his last days. Anyways, best of luck with Nets, DA. Immeasurable your wisdom is!!

12. Gold, That Is. Texas Tea... Spurs play Rockets. Duncan has double double. Ginobli flops. Spurs win.

13. Somebody's Got To Win: Sonics and Kings! No Bibby! No defense! No problem! Durant should get his first win of his career tonight, assuming Ron Artest doesn't eat him. Or if the guys over at the Blowtorch don't try and assassinate Damien Wilkins.

14. Il Mago Vs. Jianling-A-Ling: Tonight it's Andrea Bargnani versus Yi Jianling. This is a fantastic matchup of huge, talented, international stars. China and Italy have never officially been at war...yet. (Note: may not be true.)

15. Operation Desperation: The Bulls have looked like crap, and it looks like Wallace may be headed for the bench. Their backs are up against a wall and they're facing a Clippers team that looks a little miffed at everyone for thinking they would win 25 games. The Bulls have always played great when they've been up against it, though, and this matchup of Thomas vs. Thornton is pretty amazing.

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