Tuesday, November 27, 2007

15 Footer 11.27.07

We're back like New Wave riffs. Sorry for the lack of jumpers, but we were distracted with booze and turkey and travel and the Border War (suck it, Kansas). But we're back to our love now.

And oh, what a week it's been.

Someone want to explain to us what in the Holy Hell of The Upside Down Sinners happened last night? I watched the Warriors-Suns game, and it was incredible, but seeing Monte Ellis go ballistic? The Wizards beat the Mavs? The Kings, for God's sake? The Kings? You know what? Just another night in the Association.

So we're gonna fire right back into the game. And we're even backing up to make up for being gone from the game so long.

16 Reasons To Watch The Games Of The National Basketball Association Tonight:

1. It's Like Beowulf, Only With Boobie: King James meets the Boston Hydra tonight (not to be confused with the Sactown Hydra). His Witnessed has been on quite a tear lately, dropping triple-doubles like it was acid at a Polyphonic Spree concert. But then, again, there's the 9-1 war machine, chugging along, dropping victims in its path and rolling right on through. Cleveland, after looking shaky in the first 10 games, has gotten back to what it does best. Having LeBron put up ridiculous numbers and winning games we have no comprehension beforehand of how they would win. Welcome to the show! This sucker's on NBATV, which should be fun, and it's in Cleveland. I'm trying to imagine LBJ in the locker room, asking for volunteers to guard El Tigre Monstruoso. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

2. He Changed His Name To Kidd From Vorhees: Because the sonofabitch will not die. He's brought them back from the brink of early season disaster, winners now of 3 straight, and headed home to face the "Are You There God, It's Me, Rudy Gay, Please Get Me Out Of This F*cking Division" Grizzlies. The Grizz are playing well, if inconsistent. There are some crazy ass matchups tonight, since you've got JCN and Rudy Gay vs. Richard Jefferson and The Kiddly One. Inside should be interesting, but the Grizz could use Darko back.

3. The Long And Winding Road (To Suckville): When the season started, we would have been excited about Bulls vs. Hawks. Now, we just feel bad for them. The Hawks are only two games under .500 and are definitely making strides, but they're still, you know, Atlanta. We could go on and on and on about the Bulls sucking, but we're betting you've heard this before. So instead, here's a picture of the Sex Cannon. Love yourselves, Chicago. (Danke, Deadspin)

4. We're Genuinely Prepared For Anything : We don't prognosticate here. Well, I don't. Corndogg does. A lot. About everything. Like, "My socks will feel good on my feet. I guarantee it. Suck it, Matt." and "I guarantee you the Jayhawks will beat Missouri. Suck it, Matt." But this game, we won't touch. Denver's that team which should be awesome, who keep sucking whenever we pay attention to them. The Pacers are that team who should suck, who become awesome whenever we pay attention to them. They're like the ghosts from Super Mario Brothers. AI better get himself the invincibility star.

5. Milwaukee's Best: The Bucs were that team in the preseason that we looked at went, "No! Don't say anything positive about them! You'll jinx it!" But we love any team that's got Bogut, VNov, Michael Redd (one of our favorite pure shooters), Mo Williams, and a 6'11'' Chinese kid playing for a team he never wanted to be on and entering the rookie of the year race. This team was damn good two years ago, and they weren't as loaded as they are now. And with the Central being sluggish and the Pistons taking their time on their inevitable dominant run, we want to keep an eye on this crew for the playoffs. Plus, Michael Redd is a sweet, sweet man.

6. We've Got To Get It Together: In 2004, after the Heat made a deep run in the playoffs, I was thrilled. Odom, Butler, Wade. This was a brilliant combination of players that could stay together, get combined with a consistent shooter and another reliable rebounder and make a run year after year. I was pumped. You had the big man that could play defense, clean up boards and hustle. You had the smart playmaker that could do it all for you, and the superstar scorer. And then Pat Riley orgasmed as his behemoth ego swallowed the city of Miami and from this tidal wave of egomania came the greatest ego-centric player ever, Shaquille O'Neal. And thanks to the greatness of Dwayne Wade (insert reference to the officiating here, we'll abstain, thanks), a championship was made. But at what cost? Stan Van Gundy, a coach with still some health and innovation was tossed. Butler, gone, now serving up double doubles nightly in Washington. Odom , still a square peg being slammed repeatedly into the round hole of the triangle offense, but a valuable commodity. And the Heat? Disaster. That's what happends when you mortgage your entire future in the hope of a championship. Was it worth it? Absolutely, for Miami, for Shaq, for Mourning, for Payton, for Riley. But DWade could have been set for a decade. And I'm sure he wouldn't trade it either. But with a 3-10 record and no end in sight, the future in Miami looks terrible. They've got to get some new talent in there, fast. They've got to get it together.

7. One Day At A Time : The Bobcats are off to their best start in franchise history. Yes. At 6-7. They got six wins a month faster than they ever have. They almost toppled the Juggernaut. And they're doing it with more injuries than the Oregon Ducks. Now, we expect the Heat to sputter out a win based off experience and the size of Shaq's ass tonight, but don't be confused. These guys are headed in the right direction, and will still get another good draft pick this year. So you should watch Oak now, before he's picking up boards in the ECF. Also, Crash.

8. The Annoying 21 Part Saga of Anderson Varejao: Here's what kills us about this situation. We know his PER is good. We know he's one of the few quality big men out there. We know he's got goofy hair. But we really, honestly think he sucks. We're big on stats here at HP. And we know that statistically, the guy's worth the money. And that he has upside. But every time we watched him during the playoffs last year, here was our conversation:
M: Okay, pressure situation. Gotta go to LeBron, right?
C: Yeah, definitely. Who else is going to shoot?
*Varejao misses a jumper, gets rebound, misses the tip in, etc.
M: Um...
C: Someone want to tell Carrot Top that he ain't the man?
Anyway, tune in so you can hear more about how he doesn't want to play for the Cavs anymore. He and LeBron probably have more in common than you'd think.

9. The Damien Wilkins Experience Is Due For Another Showing!: After his 41 point ejaculation the other night, the DWE has slowed down some, but he's still averaging 15 points a game. Of course, in the 4 losses since The Game, he's had less and less, including 2 points versus the Champs the other night. So now's the time, Damien. Rise, DWE! Rise and conquer! Vanquish the mighty Lakers, or you may feel the wrath of...

10. Vladi The Impaler: Valdi Radmanovic won't stop. He just won't. He's still shooting 45% from three point land, with 24 3-pointers, good for 25th best in the league. For a crappy Yugoslavian 27 year old backup, that ain't bad, baby. Them's peaches. And with the Sonics perimeter defense often imitating that of

11. He's Got It Wrapped Up After Only 15 Games (Via the Corndogg): (Insert your Shawn Kemp joke here). However, we are talking about Lebron. When he walks into Quicken tonight and drops his 3rd straight triple-double on the suddenly vulnerable Celtics, he will put HP out of business in the "MVP Debate" columns. There is absolutely no one else in the League who could have this Cavs teams 2 games over .500. No one. I mean, No one. I hate to say it, but "All Hail Lebron!!"

12. And,
He Ain't Had It Wrapped Up In 3 Years (Via The Corndogg): (Insert Michael Redd joke here) However, the Bucks are the hottest team in the League right now (especially after Black Monday caused the ruin of more Western Conference egos than unemployment of college football coaches). Redd has started filling up the bucket, while the rest of the mid-sized, athletic Brew Crew manage to do all the dirty work and play defense. And by dirty work, we don't mean scrubbing the walls after an orgy at Michael Redd's house -- Boo Ya!! Look for them to rape to Sixers tonight, who, in case you weren't aware, SUCK.

13. When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Look Like The Bobcats (Via The Corndogg): After a franchise best start in the firts 10 games (6-4), the Cats decide to play like a Bill Simmons prediction and drop 2 excrutiating games, in OT to the suddently hot Wiz and this ruthless dagger with 4 ticks left against Boston, to go along with 1 ass kicking by the Magic. So, now the reeling felines have a chance to put together another mini-streak, starting tonight with the Heat. Plus, you get 2 games against the Bulls in the next week and a distracted Raptors squad. Of course those all seem winnable. Then you realize that you are the Bobcats, Jordan is your GM and this is the NBA, where Beno Udrih goes for 27 to manhandle the Spurs last night. I give up.

14. Watch Out!!!! (Via The Corndogg): Not only does our glass eye pop out when we're rollin in our pimped out jetta with 10 sub woofers, it also bursts out of our head when the only 2 national TV contracted teams, the Hawks and the Bulls, square off on a non-NBA night on TNT or the leader. Beggars can't be choosers I suppose, but a game this awful will make you wish for Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry. Or... Thrashers vs. Blackhawks.

15. Who Didn't See This One Coming (Via The Corndogg): The Nets, who were miserable at the beginning of the season, are now at .500. Also, Richard Jefferson is 6th in the league in scoring . Please don't re-read that sentence of your might look the lady from #14. Jason Kidd is playing great, hates the Nets, but doesn't want out ? Vince Carter rehabbed his first injury faster than expected. And Jason Collins is averaging better than 17 minutes a game... to go along with 0.5 points. Alright, the title isn't totally true. We DID see that happening to Collins. His new nickname is "Sixers."

16. Like The Drunk Fat Chick at 2:30am (Via The Corndogg): We are just glad somebody likes them. Cause they are just bad. But, fun to watch. Just don't show them to your friends, unless your friend is from Oklahoma City. He might tell you to leave them where they came from.

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