We're back like New Wave riffs. Sorry for the lack of jumpers, but we were distracted with booze and turkey and travel and the Border War (suck it, Kansas). But we're back to our love now.
And oh, what a week it's been.
Someone want to explain to us what in the Holy Hell of The Upside Down Sinners happened last night? I watched the Warriors-Suns game, and it was incredible, but seeing Monte Ellis go ballistic? The Wizards beat the Mavs? The Kings, for God's sake? The Kings? You know what? Just another night in the Association.
So we're gonna fire right back into the game. And we're even backing up to make up for being gone from the game so long.
16 Reasons To Watch The Games Of The National Basketball Association Tonight:
1. It's Like Beowulf, Only With Boobie: King James meets the Boston Hydra tonight (not to be confused with the Sactown Hydra). His Witnessed has been on quite a tear lately, dropping triple-doubles like it was acid at a Polyphonic Spree concert. But then, again, there's the 9-1 war machine, chugging along, dropping victims in its path and rolling right on through. Cleveland, after looking shaky in the first 10 games, has gotten back to what it does best. Having LeBron put up ridiculous numbers and winning games we have no comprehension beforehand of how they would win. Welcome to the show! This sucker's on NBATV, which should be fun, and it's in Cleveland. I'm trying to imagine LBJ in the locker room, asking for volunteers to guard El Tigre Monstruoso. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
2. He Changed His Name To Kidd From Vorhees: Because the sonofabitch will not die. He's brought them back from the brink of early season disaster, winners now of 3 straight, and headed home to face the "Are You There God, It's Me, Rudy Gay, Please Get Me Out Of This F*cking Division" Grizzlies. The Grizz are playing well, if inconsistent. There are some crazy ass matchups tonight, since you've got JCN and Rudy Gay vs. Richard Jefferson and The Kiddly One. Inside should be interesting, but the Grizz could use Darko back.
3. The Long And Winding Road (To Suckville): When the season started, we would have been excited about Bulls vs. Hawks. Now, we just feel bad for them. The Hawks are only two games under .500 and are definitely making strides, but they're still, you know, Atlanta. We could go on and on and on about the Bulls sucking, but we're betting you've heard this before. So instead, here's a picture of the Sex Cannon. Love yourselves, Chicago. (Danke, Deadspin)
4. We're Genuinely Prepared For Anything : We don't prognosticate here. Well, I don't. Corndogg does. A lot. About everything. Like, "My socks will feel good on my feet. I guarantee it. Suck it, Matt." and "I guarantee you the Jayhawks will beat Missouri. Suck it, Matt." But this game, we won't touch. Denver's that team which should be awesome, who keep sucking whenever we pay attention to them. The Pacers are that team who should suck, who become awesome whenever we pay attention to them. They're like the ghosts from Super Mario Brothers. AI better get himself the invincibility star.
5. Milwaukee's Best: The Bucs were that team in the preseason that we looked at went, "No! Don't say anything positive about them! You'll jinx it!" But we love any team that's got Bogut, VNov, Michael Redd (one of our favorite pure shooters), Mo Williams, and a 6'11'' Chinese kid playing for a team he never wanted to be on and entering the rookie of the year race. This team was damn good two years ago, and they weren't as loaded as they are now. And with the Central being sluggish and the Pistons taking their time on their inevitable dominant run, we want to keep an eye on this crew for the playoffs. Plus, Michael Redd is a sweet, sweet man.
7. One Day At A Time : The Bobcats are off to their best start in franchise history. Yes. At 6-7. They got six wins a month faster than they ever have. They almost toppled the Juggernaut. And they're doing it with more injuries than the Oregon Ducks. Now, we expect the Heat to sputter out a win based off experience and the size of Shaq's ass tonight, but don't be confused. These guys are headed in the right direction, and will still get another good draft pick this year. So you should watch Oak now, before he's picking up boards in the ECF. Also, Crash.
8. The Annoying 21 Part Saga of Anderson Varejao: Here's what kills us about this situation. We know his PER is good. We know he's one of the few quality big men out there. We know he's got goofy hair. But we really, honestly think he sucks. We're big on stats here at HP. And we know that statistically, the guy's worth the money. And that he has upside. But every time we watched him during the playoffs last year, here was our conversation:
M: Okay, pressure situation. Gotta go to LeBron, right?
C: Yeah, definitely. Who else is going to shoot?
*Varejao misses a jumper, gets rebound, misses the tip in, etc.
C: Someone want to tell Carrot Top that he ain't the man?
Anyway, tune in so you can hear more about how he doesn't want to play for the Cavs anymore. He and LeBron probably have more in common than you'd think.
9. The Damien Wilkins Experience Is Due For Another Showing!: After his 41 point ejaculation the other night, the DWE has slowed down some, but he's still averaging 15 points a game. Of course, in the 4 losses since The Game, he's had less and less, including 2 points versus the Champs the other night. So now's the time, Damien. Rise, DWE! Rise and conquer! Vanquish the mighty Lakers, or you may feel the wrath of...
11. He's Got It Wrapped Up After Only 15 Games (Via the Corndogg): (Insert your Shawn Kemp joke here). However, we are talking about Lebron. When he walks into Quicken tonight and drops his 3rd straight triple-double on the suddenly vulnerable Celtics, he will put HP out of business in the "MVP Debate" columns. There is absolutely no one else in the League who could have this Cavs teams 2 games over .500. No one. I mean, No one. I hate to say it, but "All Hail Lebron!!"
12. And, He Ain't Had It Wrapped Up In 3 Years (Via The Corndogg): (Insert Michael Redd joke here) However, the Bucks are the hottest team in the League right now (especially after Black Monday caused the ruin of more Western Conference egos than unemployment of college football coaches). Redd has started filling up the bucket, while the rest of the mid-sized, athletic Brew Crew manage to do all the dirty work and play defense. And by dirty work, we don't mean scrubbing the walls after an orgy at Michael Redd's house -- Boo Ya!! Look for them to rape to Sixers tonight, who, in case you weren't aware, SUCK.
13. When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Look Like The Bobcats (Via The Corndogg): After a franchise best start in the firts 10 games (6-4), the Cats decide to play like a Bill Simmons prediction and drop 2 excrutiating games, in OT to the suddently hot Wiz and this ruthless dagger with 4 ticks left against Boston, to go along with 1 ass kicking by the Magic. So, now the reeling felines have a chance to put together another mini-streak, starting tonight with the Heat. Plus, you get 2 games against the Bulls in the next week and a distracted Raptors squad. Of course those all seem winnable. Then you realize that you are the Bobcats, Jordan is your GM and this is the NBA, where Beno Udrih goes for 27 to manhandle the Spurs last night. I give up.