Friday, November 16, 2007

15 Footer 11.16.07

Charles Barkley: "Everyone's talkin' about changin' lineups... there's a reason a guy was on the bench in the first place!"

Preach, Preacher!

15 Reasons To Watch Tonight's NBA Games:

1. The Horror... The Horror...: El Tigre Monstruoso and the War Machine face Dwayne Wade and the vortex of pure suck known as the Miami Heat tonight. We here at the Paroxysm love car wrecks as much as the next guy. But this is just cruel. Barring Dwayne Wade scoring 60(maybe more), the Heat have very little hope of beating this monstrosity that Danny Ainge Kevin McHale has created. What's vicious is the efficiency that the Celtics are doing it with. All three of the Big 3 have been tremendous. They have the highest efficiency rating in the league at 111.23 (Oliver Possession formula, 115.18 Knickerblogger adjusted). The Heat have the second worst going into last night's games. Interestingly, the teams are close in turnovers, ranking in at 10th and 11th respectively. But Boston is 1st in the all important "number of field goals the make versus ones they try" stat, at fifty freaking two percent. The Heat? 42%. As we say around these parts? That's not so good, Al.

2. We're Waiting For Lubbock To Get The 8th Seed: The League showcases the Lonestar state again tonight as the Spurs get some homecooking and a McGrady-less Rockets on ESPN. The Mavs pretty much ran the Spurs ragged in last night's 105-92 win in Dallas. The Rockets did the same thing in their victory over the Spurs earlier in the season. But playing in San Antonio is a little different. Playing without the NBA scoring leader is a lot different. Yao can be a game-changer at any time, but if Mike James (who?!), Rafer Alston, Shane Battier, and Bonzi Wells don't show up tonight, it could get real ugly, real fast. This Spurs team has shown a frightening capacity for revenge beatdowns.

3. Carlos Boozer Fears God, That's Why He Screwed Cleveland: Carlos Boozer has been redonkulous in the last 4 games at 28 points and 12 boards. Tonight he heads into Cleveland, where they're not so fond of him, after his bolting in 2004 in a restricted free-agency fiasco. Cleveland (as we've documented many a time here at HP) is struggling at 4-5, and could definitely use a player like Boozer at this point. Utah, on the other hand, is ripping it up at 7-2, at 113.33 efficiency, good for 2nd in the league behind you know who.

4. Young Guns: What? Yesterday was Quick And the Dead. We're keeping with the Western theme. We're doing Brokeback Mountain next for the Lak...nah. Too easy. Anyway. CP3 and the Hornets head to Memphis to finally play a team that doesn't feature a future Hall of Fame point guard (Yes, we just jinxed Chris Paul into a triple-double night for Damon freakin' Stoudamire.) The Grizzlies are still really playing well, despite the loss to the Bucks the other night. They're at that tenuous point where their play really depends on how the shots are falling. These two teams should matchup pretty well, especially in the paint. Pau versus David West, Tyson versus Darko, and Peja versus Rudy Gay. This is going to be a Western Conference Divisional Playoff in a few years.

5. This May Have The Feel Of A Swap-Meet: The cast and crew of Where In The World Is Stephon Marbury head into Sactown tonight to take on the Kings. There has been a ton of discussion about a Knicks-Kings trade that would send Marbury to the Kings and Ron-Ron and various pieces to the Knicks. Let's repeat that for full effect. There's a decent chance that Ron Artest and Zach Randolph will be playing together. In New York City. That sound you hear is the sound of a thousand cash registers in a thousand New York strip clubs opening with glee.

6. Move Along, Nothing To See Here: The Pistons are in LA tonight to take on the Lakers, who seem to actually get better with every new Kobe trade rumor. Joe Dumars was pretty adamant about the Kobe for Prince and Billups rumors being bullsh*t (his words, according to TNT). This, of course, makes me think immediately that they're true, but I'm jaded like that. The Lakers have been opportunistic and playing really well against good offenses while struggling against good defenses (unless that same defensive team is missing the league scoring leader). This does not spell good things for the blue and gold. But it's on ESPN, and the Lakers always seem to play well on ESPN, mostly, I think, just to piss me off. Also? Sheed has not been ejected yet this season. Anybody want to open the over/under on number of games until?

7. Super Happy Fun Ball Time!: The Clippers who were supposed to be good last season and were bad and were supposed to be bad this season and are good travel to the Bay to play the Warriors who were supposed to be bad last season and were good and were supposed to be good this season and are bad. Things are getting desperate over at GSoM, while ClipsNation is basking in the fun. It's hard not to root for both of these teams. You can have your Vince Carters and Tracy McGrady (well, I guess you can't). I'll take the Yeti and Boom Dizzle. This one should be lots of fun.

8. Two For Me, None For You: The Sonics got their first win of the KDu era the other night against the Miami Lukewarm. Now they head to Atlanta to face the surprising and gritty 3-4 Atlanta Hawks. Josh Smith is a gametime decision with a strained left quad. KDu is questionable with a strained left tre, inside jumper, fadeaway two, hanging floater, and every other possible shot, as he's shooting 38% from the field. Yikes. The calls for Yi for ROY are already out there, but really what's Durant going to do? It's not like he's got weapons all around him. It's Chris Wilcox and the cast of Carpoolers. He could try passing, but... nah.

9. Zero Warming Up: Gilbert Arenas had his breakout game the other night, with 11 assists and 6 boards against the Pacers. Now he gets another relatively soft and very young team in Minnesota versus the T-Wolves. He said earlier this week that actually warming up before the game helped. Who knew?

10. With Opening Guest Stars, Talented Small-Forwards!: Corey Brewer has been playing great in limited minutes, including 15 points and 8 rebounds in 29 minutes in his last game. Meanwhile, there's been a lot of discussion in Washington about running the offense through Caron Butler, a particular HP favorite. This should be a good matchup for years to come. We get a little preview tonight. Plus, Al Jefferson versus Jamison. All sorts of underrated goodness!

11. The Come-To-Big-Baby-Jesus Talk: Jason Kidd, who should be appointed the martyr saint of the NBA, brings Richard Jefferson and the B-Movie All-Stars onto the homecourt tonight to face the Orlando Magic. The Nets are at .500, with horrible losses to Boston and the Raptors, and surprising wins against a few teams. Kidd's been at or near a triple-double almost every game, Jefferson has been scoring great and playing focused. And then there's everybody else. But hey, Sean Williams looks like a pretty good pick for a complete and total psycho.

12. A Meeting Of The Young And At Or Under .500 Club: The LaMarcus Aldridge led Trailblazers (who thought we'd be saying that three months ago?) are in Philly tonight to face the Sixers, who are, you know, bad. Iggy is tremendous at two things. Scoring, and throwing the ball away. Dalembert has not played as well as he did last year. The fall back to earth is too bad, but if they get Derrick Rose, I don't think they'll be too sad. Meanwhile, does this mean that LaMarcus comes into spell Oden next year, or they go to LaMarcus at the 4 and Oden at the 5? If the Big Nifty keeps playing like this, it's going to be hard to bench him for the 500 year old Sequoia.

13. Dunleavy Jr. Goes To Canada, Where He Belongs: The Pacers have been inconsistent after their good start, but the Raptors have been even moreso. The Raptors can be the team that blew out the Nets and hung with the Cetlics, or the team that got annihilated by Big Baby Jesus and YiTube. We're pulling for the Raps because we like the Colangelos, and we hate Vince Carter, and we have nothing against Canada. For more info on the Raps, check out Dinosty.

14. Clippers, Welcome To Hell. Not Yours. Just Theirs: 100% Injury Rate has a rundown on why the Bay Area is suddenly Hell. Personally, we hold Cleveland to still be that particular damned location due to their recent annihilation so close to the elusive championship, but we see the point they're making. The Clippers can definitely sympathize, what with the catastrophic injuries to, well... everyone. Somehow I doubt they'll be interested in sympathy play, though. The Clips can bang down low, even though their rebounding leaves something to be desired. We'll see if the Warriors can break open the offense in anticipation of the return of Captain Jack S(tephen)parrow.

15. The Inmates Are Running Arco Arena: Tonight night, Ron Artest and Stephon Marbury will be on the floor, both of them in bad frames of mind. Do you realize that this game is two bags of coke and a 9 millimeter from being 12 Monkeys?

16. With The NBA Lottery, We All End Up Losers (Via The Corndogg): Tonight, if you think hard enough, you will be able to imagine a truly just and magnanimous world. One in which the Atlanta Hawks got the #2 pick in last year's draft, instead of the 3. Just think, Atlanta sitting there, staring a future ROY ( suck it, Yi), MVP and HOF caliber talent like Kevin Durant and seeing Billy Knight actually terrified. On a roster that has previously drafted Josh Smith, Josh Childress, Marvin Williams and traded for Joe Johnson, Knight would be FORCED by the NBA gods to either pass up the all-world talent of Durant at #2 or take him and create the only NBA team to where every player kills off everyone else, for playing time, like a game of CLUE. Childress, in the locker room, with a tube of icy hot to the back of Durant's throat. Just seeing young Durant's psyche bruised and beaten on a team that would hate him just for being himself, not even Momma could help him. That scenario could have happened. Murder and all.

17. Tonight Big Baby Jesus Goes For 40... Rebounds (Via The Corndogg): This has got to be a joke. Howard, on 2 days rest against the defense of Nenad Krstic and Jason Collins. Against a team whose point guard leads them in rebounding. Against the defense of Nena;kjak;sjfd;ajsdfih;asdnfbasdnfa;sdfauiuiuqnbxmn.ajhdfiuasudfij2983uu2b3bajdfahd
Oh, whew. Sorry. About that. That last sentence was a result of my hands flapping in the air and smacking into my keyboard while I laughed uncontrollably (like a couple Asian dudes in Rockets jerseys singing Backstreet Boys ) at how awesome this is gonna be. And the Lord raineth down with great fury, and it was goooooood.
(Ed. Note -- The picture linked in that final sentence was the first thing that popped up when I typed "God's fury" into Google Images. I swear. -CD)

18. If You Do It Too Much, You Could Go Blind (Via The Corndogg): Don't watch the Wiz at the Wolves. A failure to follow these instructions will lead to irregular sleep patterns, impotence, a serious hatred for professional basketball, a vampire-like bloodlust for Kevin McHale, blindness, a thirst for everclear, a constant cloud hovering over your head and pouring rain, bad posture, a fear of puppies, halitosis, missed flight connections for life and hairy palms. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!!

Otherwise, enjoy tonight's terrific NBA action.

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