Oh, Thank Christ. We're back to a full slate of games, and the Cavs are nowhere to be found. No offense, Cavs fans. You have that trip to the Finals, and you might make it back and all, but unless LeBron goes for 35+, your team is like watching molasses turning into mold, which is slowly eating my skin completely, smothering me in a dull, fuzzy death.
Let's Roll, Baby.
15 Reasons to Watch Tonight's Games In The NBA:
1. Guess Which Ones Are The Lions And Which Ones Are The Christians: We kind of have a top vs. bottom night in the Association. Seattle vs. Orlando, Boston at Indiana, Houston at Memphis, Philadelphia at Dallas, and Detroit at Portland. If I were a ticket holding fan of the underdog teams, I would be bringing a sign that said "Yeah, Well, Wait Till Next Year!" The good news is that compared to last night, most of these teams have building blocks, so you get to watch a good team face off against a team that can compete in 3 to 4 years.
2. Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With A Bevy Of International Players Built Into A Consistent, Unspectacular System: You remember this?
I do. I remember it as the epitome of everything I hated about the Lakers. It's like somehow in that moment the Spurs suffered their lowest moment and became part of the same evil that infests the Lakers. That's one of the things. It doesn't seem like this team (the Spurs) take any pleasure in beating the Lakers. They're a machine. How can you not enjoy it? If I were Tim Duncan/Bruce Bowen, I would savor every single win. I would revel in it. I would glare and dance and celebrate. I would cackle in Jackson's face. As it is, Duncan will have a double-double, Ginobli will continue his ridiculous play, Bowen will sever someone below the ankles, and Kobe will look pouty.
3. From... Robbins, Illinois, Dwayne...Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade (Is Still Not Playing): There should be a law that says that any player out with an injury cannot have his commercials playing. It bugs me to see that big dramatic commercial with Wade when I know he's not coming back until after the Heat have to face the Hydra and El Tigre Monstruoso. Meanwhile, they play the equally injury ravaged Bobcats tonight, but at least Raymond Felton is back and Oak is making the jump this season. Watching Oak versus Shaq should be interesting.
4. Any Team You Can Beat, I Can Beat Better: Dallas faces Iggy and the Six, while San Antonio has the aforementioned Kobe and the Rockettes (Now With 100% More Odom!). This is in preparation of the Texas Shootout Thursday on TNT in Dallas between th two clubs. Dallas will probably win by more. Let's see if the Mavs recent shooting success continues. But first, Iggy! Dalembert! The Sixers! Hey! It's a trap game! ... No?
5. Vladimir, Protectorate Of The Perimeter: Vladi Radmanovic is shooting 51% from the field, 60% from three point land. He's stepped up and played well for the Lakers, and has been a big part of their production. If he can just stay off the half-pipe.
6. Time For More Jub-Jub! : Devin Harris is averaging almost 15 turnovers per 100 possessions, good for 2nd most in players over 40 minutes. JET is ripping it up, so it's obvious that the Mavs have the necessary components at point guard. But what about when JET needs a breather, a rest, a Gatorade, a Swedish massage? That's right. It's Jub-Jub time. Go ahead, Little General. Rest your starters for Thursday. You need the Jub-Jub effect. Stats thanks to DougStats.com.
7. Six Degrees of Kevin McHale: The Boston Hydra visits Indianapolis to face the Pacers in Super Bowl... wait... sorry, hype hangover. As is the custom with all Boston sports teams this year, the real question revolves around the Celtics covering the spread, currently at 7. Like we said, we don't make predictions. But, you know what we're thinking. Also this is a rather fun game, where Larry Bird has to witness and have his team crushed by the very juggernaut Kevin McHale has unleashed. Let's just hope the Celtic Borg signal isn't so strong that Bird suddenly trades Jermain O'Neal for a box of slim-jims and a pint of porter before the game.
8. If Isiah Thomas Gets The Hots For Barbosa, This Could Get Ugly: The Knicks travel to Phoenix to face the Suns tonight. The Knicks rebound well, which is the Achilles heel of the Suns. The Suns are trying to achieve some level of consistency, while Nash keeps plugging along, doing whatever he needs to in order to get wins. Oh, yeah, and Marbury returns to the scene of the crime.
9. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy Soho: Rudy Gay leads the Grizzlies in points and rebounds, shooting 49% from the field. Pau Gasol is Spanish with envy. Okay, he's just Spanish. But still. Meanwhile, Darko's averaging 2.5 blocks per 40 minutes, which is pretty nice for ol' Darko. It's got to be awesome right now for Darko. No more suffocating stress and scrutiny. A nice Memphis scene with the greatest strip clubs in all the dirty south. (Note: I'm serious. I've heard stories about the former club Platinum that would turn Isiah to Christ) Yes, life is sweet right now for ol' Darko...wait, what's that sound? Oh, Great Chinese Balls of Dynasty, he's screwed tonight.
10. Your Ridiculous Salaries Of The Night, Brought To You By Kenneth Cole (Note: Not Really. At All.): Starting things off for us tonight is Marquis Daniels for the Indiana Pacers at 4.2 points a game, 2.2 rebounds, and 1 assist per game through 5 games, all for a bargain at 6.3 million this year. But how about Kevin Ollie, the 34 year old point guard having played 5 minutes in 1 game this season for the Sixers, with no points, no assists, and no rebounds? All of that for a cool 3.4 million this year. And finally, our man Steve Francis, the vaunted/maligned/vaunted/maligned guard dumped by the Portland after the trade from the Knicks, only to find redemption where it all started with the Rockets, only to get stuck behind Mike James (who?!) and Luther Head (no, seriously, who?!). That's a well spent 2.4 million, Rockets fans.
11. Bring Me The Head Of Brandon Roy (Via The Corndogg): We are sure Mr. Abbott is thrilled with the mini-3 game win streak the Blazers have running. One columnist is not. And tonight, Mr. R.O.Y (that can't be just a coincidence) goes up against the rock 'em, sock 'em Pistons. I fully expect Prince and the Detroit Power Generation to use their muscle to slam BR to the floor tonight like he was some arm candy at a WWE bout. But hey, Lamarcus looks good.
12. Necesito Trado, El Es Mucho Disappointomento (Via The Corndogg): So I flunked Spanish in college. Big deal. I still managed to finagle my way into a three-way in Barcelona one summer. So what. Corndogg is the international language of love. The international language of "suck" belongs to Pau Gasol. Kind of tough to start demanding trade rumors, after an organization surrounded you with better talent (Conley) and friends (Navarro), when you aren't leading your team in any single statistical category. Not one. Not points, not minutes, not rebounds, not FT%, not even number of hot, slutty Memphis chicks banged (you know Mike Miller be slamming that). Get a grip, Gasol. Better yet, get your game together.
14. As If Things Couldn't Get Any Better (Via The Corndogg): The struggling Celtics get their 6th man (and most versatile player not named KG) back tonight for that tough matchup in Indy. Posey, often under-valued and over-hated by main stream media, is a great fit for this Celtics squad. And, his absence has given them the opportunity to get more minutes for Eddie "unoriginal nickname" House and Tony Allen, which is pathetic. Seriously, what are these guys doing? Do they even want to lose? I mean really. Really? Really! Really!.
15. The Worst Story I Have Ever Had To Write About In My Whole Entire Life (Via The Corndogg): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . What will become of me? What good is life? Why am I here? This is not existential babble, these are the questions we all will have to face it this report is indeed true. Who cares if Anucha got harrassed?* Who cares if David Lee is afraid every time the lights go out with Z-Bo and Curry around him? Who cares is Dolan is trying to redevelop the Gold Club into an even better, trashier - which constitutes better-, more illegal Gold Club?** Please don't make me say it Isiah? Please. Don't make me ask Stephon to get in the truck one last time.