Sunday, November 11, 2007

15 Footer 11.12.07

Ah, Monday. The return to hard nosed work. And a full fledge of NBA games to dissec....

Oh, you bastards.

That's fine. Only a handful more of these. At least San Antonio's not involved. Finding new ways to describe their thorazine-like excellence gets harder and harder. Can't we trade Stephen Jackson back to them just for kicks? Yes, I heard you, Warriors fans. I'm just saying...

15 Reasons to watch the games of Monday, November 11th, 2007.

1. Another One Bites The Dust...Er...Scores...20..Plus...: New Orleans travels to New Jersey to take on Jigga's merry troupe. The Nets will be without the services of Mr. Carter, who is doubtful with a Hardwood Paroxysm Jinx Curse. Whoops. Sorry about that, again, Vince. Hope the MRI you're having today is negative.

2. Expectations Are For Losers: Cleveland always beats people it shouldn't. Denver always loses to people it shouldn't. But then, God Hates Cleveland is an iron-clad rule, nay, Commandment, wrought by the Lord to ensure that the city remains in sports-related ruin for the rest of eternity, around these parts. So really anything could happen here, and we wouldn't be surprised by any of it. Linas Kleiza continues his funky white-boy tour, this time facing off against Z. God, it's like a USSR wrestling match. Only with AI. I'm confused.

3. The Greatest Slovenian NBA Player To Ever Play the Game (Or At Least Hold Manu's Shorts): Beno Udrih has more NBA Championship Rings than any other Slovenian player in NBA History. Do you imagine he uses that as a pickup line? "Hey, there. My name's Beno Udrih. I've got more championship rings than any other Slovenian player in the NBA." Do you think that works better on Slovenian Girls or Sactown girls? Is there a Sactown Slovenian bar? Because that would be ideal, I would think.

4. Los Angeles, Richard Jefferson Is Yours: Richard Jefferson was born in Los Angeles. He's also playing out of his mind for the New Jersey Nets. Wouldn't this be a prime opportunity to dish his sizable contract, since he's constantly being mentioned in trade talks, to LA in a three way? Jefferson heads home to LA, Kobe can go to a contender somewhere, and the Nets can pick up some inside pieces to complete their team? Okay, realistically, this is just wishful thinking for Jefferson, a player I like and respect, to get away from Gimpy McDouchebag. But still...

5. We Are All Witnesses to Mediocrity.: Basically, the Cavaliers rebound and shoot threes really well. Aaaaand that's about it. Those are the only categories that they're top 10 in. Yet they're .500. I really want to see these guys play the meat of the East. But tonight, they've got Denver and the Nay-Nene Nuggets. These type of games are good measures for both teams. Denver has to establish some type of consistency, and not just beat up poor, desperate teams. But hey, they get back...

6. A Smith. Agent Smith. : J.R. Smith is back on the court after his three game suspension, and he was a big help in the Knicks game for Denver. Smith is pretty much a random player from game to game. He's the personification of the Nuggs, in that he can be terrific, or he can be terrible. George Carl probably has a picture of this guy on his dartboard, and just switches it out with KMart.

7. (Boast Retracted): I'm making it a habit to never brag about CP3 putting on a clinic after the Tony Longoria Debacle. Especially when he's facing All-Star Point Guards like Jason Freakin' Kidd. The Blowtorch was telling me the other day that I should have mentioned Kidd in the top 5 point guards in the league conversation, so I'm just going to apologize in advance to CP3 for when Kidd has a triple-double.

8. Wynton Marsalis Is Playing At The Shim-Sham Club With Carlos Boozer:
I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce a campaign that we'll be starting up full-fledge in the offseason. It's an idea I've had for a long time. It's an idea I believe in. It's the right thing to do. I'm talking, of course, about getting the Utah NBA franchise to trade their team name. I know they have a history. I don't care. And there's an easy solution! There are no grizzly bears in Arkansas or Tennessee. There is no music in Utah. Let's just correct this. C'mon, what says "Jerry Sloan" to you more. A big, hulking, unpleasant animal that will rip apart anything that comes its way? Or Miles Davis and the smooth grooves of Jazz? Join me people. Let's right the universe.

9. Your Ridiculous Salaries Of The Night, Brought To You By Brooks Brothers (Note: Not Really. At All.): How about Kenny Thomas for the Sacramento Kings at 7.8 Mill this year? He's currently averaging 4 rebounds and 3 points per game. Or, how about Jason Collins for 6.1 million this year, who scored his first points of the season last Tuesday. He's averaging .3 points a game. A third of a point per game. And finally, Donyell Marshall. 2 games played, 11 minute averages, averaging 1 rebound and 2.5 points per game, and 1 finger injury for 5.6 million a year. That's what we call... MONEY.

10.I Never Thought I Would Say This (Not Even While Drunk) (Via The Corndogg): John Salmons is leading the Kings in assists. That is all.

11. It Puts The Powder On It's Hands (Via The Corndogg): Lebron better not let that ball get out of his hands for too long tonight, because it looks as if the Nuggets are at least trying to play defense. Even if they aren't doing it well, they are trying. And with Eric Snow probably out the door in Cleveland, that means Iverson is going to be in Boobie's jock more often Britney showing crotch shots on TMZ. In other news, Larry Hughes can be counted on to take some of the ball handling duties away from Lebron. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

12. I Say A Little Prayer For You (Via The Corndogg): Dear Sweet Baby Jesus (not to be confused with Big Baby Jesus), if you have any mercy and justice in this wretched, chaotic world we live in, please deliver Kevin Martin from Sacramento. His generic name belies a beautiful game. And although Reggie Theus thinks he deserves more cred, he really needs more exposure. But trust us, watch this kid play and you will know he's the real deal. Too bad he is on the Kings ( although he was dumb enough to sign an extension) who probably got their only ESPN time last week when they took on the Lebronites.

13. AK v6.4 (Via The Corndogg): Kirilenko is finally back to his old self. Reading his stat line is like trying to decipher a financial analysis from Enron. It makes no sense. However, he has been devastatingly effective, just like a machine gun. Oh yeah, and the number in the header refers to his assists per game average. Suck it, Salmons.

14. That Sound You Hear Is The Steam Escaping Jerry Sloan. Pour Him Out For A Delicious Holiday Treat!: Utah is kicking some serious ass in the statistics categories. They're first in scoring. First in assists. Second in field goal %. Third in offensive efficiency. Boozer is 7th in scoring. Let me repeat that. Carlos Freaking Boozer is 7th in the NBA in scoring. So why would Jerry Sloan be upset, you may ask (other than the fact that it's theoretically possible young players may be on the court a lot)? They're also 4th to last in points allowed, 3rd to last in opponents' field goal %, and have the 6th most turnovers. The Jazz are the new Suns! Okay, maybe not that far, but still. Of course, playing Houston, and then the Warriors twice will do that. (Stats thanks to DougsStats and KnickerBlogger.Net)

15. Clippers "Screw You, Hollinger" Countdown: 20%: Our pet Clippers had a rough weekend, losing 2 in a row. But they shall persevere! They're still 20% to their hopeful total of 20 wins. We'll be watching you, Los Angeles.

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